Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
SuziQuatrosFatNan · 13/05/2021 10:54

Thanks for your insightful input @notacooldad. Did you have a positive response from your colleagues when you returned to the workplace after maternity leave?

ferretface · 13/05/2021 10:55

A lot of my friends did look forward to their mat leave as a bit of a holiday. While the reality turned out to be different in many cases (not least because of covid) I know they were looking forward to coffee with other mums, sensory play, baby groups etc much as they might look forward to a holiday. Some were lucky with easy babies. Some had babies who didn't sleep well at all. They all looked forward to mat leave though.

BlairWaldorfLovesShopping · 13/05/2021 10:56

I'm pretty sure @notacooldad is a woman lol.

notacooldad · 13/05/2021 10:56

They sound like idiots to be honest, presuming you are in the UK you haven't been able to go on any "nice trips" during the pandemic
Don't be daft. You have been able to have nice trips. The country opened up for a while in July.
I went away for 3 weekends between July and August to Scotland and had 10 days in October in the Cairngorms. All perfectly legal. The op could have had day trips to local beauty spots. My colleague had 2 nights in the lake district with her baby and toddler and husband in the time we were allowed to travel.

AMillionMilesAway · 13/05/2021 10:57

@Ofallthethings

They sound like idiots to be honest, presuming you are in the UK you haven't been able to go on any "nice trips" during the pandemic, or do much that is enjoyable, so why are they asking? I returned from mat leave in Feb and haven't had any comments like that, in fact people have been sympathetic as mat leave was during pandemic. Just say you've come back up work for a rest and that you haven't slept properly since April. It is true.
I had a week off three months ago and my coworkers asked "Going anywhere nice?" It's an automatic and polite response/small talk. I didn't call them idiots because the only place I could go was Asda. I just laughed and said "Chance would be a fine thing" instead.
CharityDingle · 13/05/2021 10:58

Just trying to think because it's a while since I have worked with colleagues returning from maternity leave. I would just welcome them back, and ask politely about the baby, that's it really.

OP, I know it used to drive a colleague of mine mad, when people (mostly male colleagues) went on about what a great time she had, because she worked part time. She used to say, I will swap with you, if we can swap salaries too.

I remember a manager and senior manager going on and on one time, I was about to go on a week's holidays. As though they got no annual leave. One of them in particular had really exotic holidays a couple of times a year. I just laughed and nodded along. Didn't care enough or like either of them enough to care about what they said.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 13/05/2021 10:59

'It was excellent. I left the baby with my mum as we back packed around the Vietcong. I would really recommend it!'

You will never reason with stupid. You had a lovely baby and they're just jealous.

FortVictoria · 13/05/2021 10:59

It is a right, and birth and breastfeeding are no joke, and it definitely wasn’t a holiday. But I am blown away by the amount of tine you can legally have in the UK. When my baby was born I had three months of maternity leave. We were living in a country where it was pretty dangerous to have a baby, so I flew somewhere else. Because of flight rules, I “wasted” six weeks of mat leave, which means that I had to be back at work six weeks after she was born. It was tough. I don’t mean it wasn’t tough for the OP - I can see it was - but I can understand the envy about a whole year “off” Envy

notacooldad · 13/05/2021 10:59

Thanks for your insightful input @notacooldad. Did you have a positive response from your colleagues when you returned to the workplace after maternity leave?
I did!
And I didn't get upset when people told me I looked well or asked where I'd been either! The small talk made it easier as I was shitting myself the night before about returning so it was nice having people talking to me and asking what I'd neen up to.

Scbchl · 13/05/2021 11:00

I loved it being off for a year it actually was amazing!

roarfeckingroarr · 13/05/2021 11:01

Reading this thread is so depressing. It's low level - or blatant - sexism and shows how little we value caring roles and what's seen as women's work at home. I'm on maternity leave until September and won't put up with any sniff of this bullshit. Fortunately I'm senior enough to make a point and be listened to.

CounsellorTroi · 13/05/2021 11:01

@ferretface

A lot of my friends did look forward to their mat leave as a bit of a holiday. While the reality turned out to be different in many cases (not least because of covid) I know they were looking forward to coffee with other mums, sensory play, baby groups etc much as they might look forward to a holiday. Some were lucky with easy babies. Some had babies who didn't sleep well at all. They all looked forward to mat leave though.
When I was ttc I was definitely looking forward to some time out of the workplace, a change of lifestyle and pace. I never had a baby but I was certainly looking forward to maternity leave.
AMillionMilesAway · 13/05/2021 11:02

Well when my colleague comes back from ML next month I will be sure not to mention the fact she's been off. In case she gets offended.

MindtheBelleek · 13/05/2021 11:03

@roarfeckingroarr

Reading this thread is so depressing. It's low level - or blatant - sexism and shows how little we value caring roles and what's seen as women's work at home. I'm on maternity leave until September and won't put up with any sniff of this bullshit. Fortunately I'm senior enough to make a point and be listened to.
Agreed, @roarfeckingroarr. Good on you for making a point of it in your workplace.
bunburyscucumbersandwich · 13/05/2021 11:03

But it is a year off? And although you're not "on holiday" you are being paid for time off. And you could go on holiday anytime you wanted in that year.
I loved maternity leave, could do what I wanted when I wanted!

MindtheBelleek · 13/05/2021 11:04

@AMillionMilesAway

Well when my colleague comes back from ML next month I will be sure not to mention the fact she's been off. In case she gets offended.
Maybe just don't imply she's been getting her jollies while having a lovely holiday rather than being on maternity leave during a pandemic? How hard is it to grasp this?
roarfeckingroarr · 13/05/2021 11:07

@MindtheBelleek it helps that I'm head of people strategy at my company and we focus heavily on levelling up for women. This sort of shit is endemic and hugely damaging. Thanks for your comment Smile

Sakari · 13/05/2021 11:10

Fortunately I work in a role where my managers know it would be hard to replace me. They also know that if they didn't offer good maternity and shared parental leave packages then they wouldn't be able to keep the highly skilled, in demand staff they have. If I worked for a firm that viewed me as so easily replaceable that 6 months to a year away made them think it would be better to employ someone else then I would move. It's short term thinking and probably indicates that the company also doesn't value personal development, training, etc etc.

SuziQuatrosFatNan · 13/05/2021 11:14

Nice one @roarfeckingroarr. Agree that this shit needs to be challenged.

Apart from anything else, if you're an employee you're shooting yourself in the foot every time you denigrate a colleague exercising any kind of statutory entitlement, whether or not that entitlement applies to you.

pennylane83 · 13/05/2021 11:14

I think your being a tad oversensitive. Your colleagues are just trying to make polite conversation with you on your return having not seen you for a year. Your post makes it sound as though your the first person in your organisation to have a baby ever! I've been on maternity leave myself yet I still ask similar sorts of questions of collegues - is it nice to be back, must be a shock to the system after all that time at home etc. Maternity leave is different for everyone and whilst you may well feel that you have spent the last year in a sleep deprived haze, some do find the experience a lovely break, some can't wait to get back to work, some have no choice but to return to work. Their questions and anecdotes relating to theirs/their partners/their perception of what maternity leave is like isn't any less valid just because it differs from your experience!

Sakari · 13/05/2021 11:17

And this is ignoring a wider trend of population collapse in the Western world. Many posters here talk about having children as a lifestyle choice. But we're moving towards a situation where there aren't enough children being born to sustain societies. Even putting aside the practical implications (who will be your nurse, collect your rubbish, pay tax to fund your pension when you get old), do you really want to live in a society with few young people all heavily burdened with caring for the elderly? In Japan, for instance, there are some towns and villages with almost no people under 40...

BungleandGeorge · 13/05/2021 11:18

Do your colleagues have children?. once you have a child every ‘leave’ or ‘holiday’ is filled with childcare pretty much, as is every evening and weekend. ‘Holiday’ just means something rather different to what it meant pre-children!

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 11:18

I've been on maternity leave myself yet I still ask similar sorts of questions of collegues - is it nice to be back, must be a shock to the system after all that time at home etc

You can surely see the difference between “is it nice to be back” and “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break”/“wish I could have a year off” though?

Gwenhwyfar · 13/05/2021 11:19

"you guys must have been out sunbathing most of 2020, right? "

Except that sunbathing was banned for a lot of 2020 unless you have your own garden.

OccaChocca · 13/05/2021 11:24

You're being a snowflake.

I used to get this when I worked four days. I used to tell the blokes (because it was always the blokes) that I used to sit on the sofa eating chocolate all day on the day I didn't work..........