To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

[TurquoiseKiss]

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

I don't think you can explain it to others in a way that they can understand if they have no experience.

I remember a colleague saying to me (after we'd both had DC) "Why does nobody tell you that children are such hard work" and I said "I think people do say it, we just didn't understand".

Not long after that another colleague said that she will be fine when she has a baby as she copes well with being up at night (clubbing) and then doing a day's work. She heard parents of young children saying they were tired, but she could only understand it in relation to her own experience.

I don’t think anyone genuinely thinks maternity leave is a year long holiday spent on a recliner. However, it quite literally is a year off work and although it’s not a holiday it’s still a break from being at work! Whether or not you feel you had a break in other ways is a different matter. You were absent from the office for a year and colleagues are catching up with you. As for ‘what did you get up to?’ - you surely understand phatic office communication. Nobody wants a day by day fill-in of your diary for the year - just anything big that happened while you were off. They are just trying to help you feel included again.

If it bothers you, state the bloody obvious: ‘not a holiday as I had a baby who filled my time.’

@Whammyyammy

Can anyone explain why 12 months away from work on maternity leave us not a year off work?

This.

Whammyyammy

Can anyone explain why 12 months away from work on maternity leave us not a year off work?

Apparently it's because maternity leave is hard and therefore we are supposed to pretend that it's work in the exact same way as work is, and its offensive to say you had a year off work even though we all know you actually had a year off work.

Or maybe people are too thick to understand that in this context work means your job that you are paid to do, and instead think it means anything that you do that you find hard.

That clears it up nicely 👌

And before the pedants turn up, a year in this specific situation. I am aware that not everyone takes a year.

I'm older than you OP. I don't think you realise how fortunate you are.

Plenty of my friends who had kids about the same time as me (25-30 years ago) were back at work within 6 weeks/3 months/6 months of having a child. They had to contend with stitches and breast feeding and guilt and work a full week in the office/classroom/shop. I don't know anyone who got a full year maternity leave, with or without pay. The only way you could get that sort of time off work was to resign.

Resigning was my choice and I don't regret it for one minute but it's a fact that it halted my career in its tracks. I never had the same earning potential agai.

[quote Bul21ia]@Neonprint ohhh you have a lot to learn!!

Before I became a mum my opinions were different to now as I know the reality. Things are not as simple.

OP or anyone on Mat leave for that matter may have been poorly, have a disabled condition you just don’t know what is going on in other peoples lives.

The way that I see it is the majority will have kids and everyone has their time we should not be envious of someone having 12months off!.

People need to mind their own business to be frank.[/quote]
I don't think saying "“I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (direct quote from OP) means envy.
People don't care about her kid particularly (sorry, OP, but I don't want to hear about my colleagues children in particular) and when my colleagues come back from ML, I make small talk about other things.

I found those comments typically came from women who hadn't had children - all the parents (both male and female) assumed I was back for a break 😂

Mat leave is not holiday, but it is time out to pursue something personal. It doesn't benefit the employer, but retaining good employees is beneficial to them, as is having happy employees.

The experience of mat leave itself can vary so much. It did feel a bit like holiday to me in some ways but I had a fairly easy baby and no physical or mental health issues post birth - others don't share that experience.

I think OP's work colleagues were trying to be welcoming but might be a bit naive. I'd just let it go.

What about colleagues working full-time who may have elder care responsibilities which aren't apparent and for which they don't necessarily get the same leave entitlements as one would for having children?

[quote hparkins]@Roboticcarrot it's not irrelevant, that is aimed at people who (usually with a knowing smirk) imply you've been off on a jolly up for a year. has this genuinely never happened to other people on here? obviously, it's a year away from work but I personally found the newborn stages much harder than my office job and would have found it infuriating if it were implied I'd had a lovely long holiday.

that's up to me - some might see it as a holiday as previously stated, others found it the opposite to a holiday.[/quote]
Yes because I was off work for a year, not sure why the truth would be infuriating.

@AMillionMilesAway they clearly were envious or sour grapes! From what OP says.... the work colleagues commented first unless she was going around bragging about going shopping etc...

These same people complaining may think it’s “unfair” I bet 100% some of these same people will be humbled if they fell pregnant.

I mean if you feel negatively about people having 12 months Mat leave... just don’t comment it’s a bit goady come on.

Can anyone explain why 12 months away from work on maternity leave us not a year off work?

I was off work when I was on mat leave.
I was also off work when I had emergency surgery and a complicated recovery.
I was also off work when I spent two weeks in the sunshine in a hotel in France on holiday.

I think most people can understand why “you look great, having time off must suit you!” is an appropriate comment to make in some of those situations but not others, even though they were all times I was not in the office and not doing my paid job.

I think this is one of those situations where it's difficult to understand other people's experience. I've had more than one occasion of being annoyed on here when a new mother is struggling with a refluxy baby who just won't sleep except on her and gets all sorts of useless advice like "enjoy the snuggles", or telling them they need to do all the night feeds and settles because their partner has to go to an office the next day.

For some people, they get a calm baby who sleeps pretty well (my DD2 was like this), they see family and friends, go to baby classes, generally enjoy stepping back from work for a while and having a bit of time out. Others have babies that don't sleep, won't be put down, hate the pram and the car so going anywhere is an ordeal (this was DD1, thank god I had them in that order), isolated from family and friends, and this year no baby classes or groups to go to.

I think sometimes people who are closer to the first scenario struggle to understand that for those of us in the second, maternity leave is really really really hard, and going back to work we feel exhausted and haggard and are just trying to get back on our feet. Being asked with the head tilt about our "break" or "time off" feels like it's completely belittling what we've just been through.

[quote Bul21ia]@Neonprint ohhh you have a lot to learn!!

Before I became a mum my opinions were different to now as I know the reality. Things are not as simple.

OP or anyone on Mat leave for that matter may have been poorly, have a disabled condition you just don’t know what is going on in other peoples lives.

The way that I see it is the majority will have kids and everyone has their time we should not be envious of someone having 12months off!.

People need to mind their own business to be frank.[/quote]
Are you normally so patronising. What in my post made you think I'm going to become a mum? Get over yourself!

Rather than being patronising if you're going to randomly reply to my post without actually reply to any points do you want to try reply and addressing what I said? Where I actually talked about both sides of the argument? Or do you not get to be patronising and smug?

Thb it makes you look really small minded if you think everyone will have kids. Maybe in your world. But increasingly wo, en are choosing not to. So to argue for leave and flexibility only for mothers because we will all end up doing it is a bit embarrassing.

[quote Bul21ia]@AMillionMilesAway they clearly were envious or sour grapes! From what OP says.... the work colleagues commented first unless she was going around bragging about going shopping etc...

These same people complaining may think it’s “unfair” I bet 100% some of these same people will be humbled if they fell pregnant.

I mean if you feel negatively about people having 12 months Mat leave... just don’t comment it’s a bit goady come on.[/quote]
They clearly weren't, though.
It's just trying to make conversation. The choices are baby talk (boring, unless you also have a small child) or mindless small talk.

@GoldenOmber

Can anyone explain why 12 months away from work on maternity leave us not a year off work?

I was off work when I was on mat leave.
I was also off work when I had emergency surgery and a complicated recovery.
I was also off work when I spent two weeks in the sunshine in a hotel in France on holiday.

I think most people can understand why “you look great, having time off must suit you!” is an appropriate comment to make in some of those situations but not others, even though they were all times I was not in the office and not doing my paid job.

Succinctly put!

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

What about colleagues working full-time who may have elder care responsibilities which aren't apparent and for which they don't necessarily get the same leave entitlements as one would for having children?

This is what I mean about people not having the same opportunity to time off or flexiblity.

If anyone had a job where they were on duty 24/7, had a job description which spanned catering, personal care, entertainment, nursing, running a house they would hand in their notice on the grounds it was an insane workload that was totally unreasonable to expect one person to carry out.

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

What about colleagues working full-time who may have elder care responsibilities which aren't apparent and for which they don't necessarily get the same leave entitlements as one would for having children?

Having never had maternity leave - it didn’t exist when I had mine - it would have been absolutely amazing if I could have had the equivalent when my very elderly parents needed a massive amount of care. I wish so much there was caring leave.

@Neonprint I didn’t say you will have kids. I actually said most of us will have kids.... as in most of us will take time off in the work place.

I wasn’t been smug.
I admitted I used to think differently before I became a mum myself

Small minded? You don’t have kids yet your commenting.... based on NO experience of motherhood. I think it may be YOU who is small minded.

@TurquoiseKiss

I’m asking for tips to change the narrative around maternity leave being viewed by some as a ‘holiday’.

Sharing the leave 50/50 with the other parent as parental leave will at start to change the narrative.

I was going to say that some of the comments by mothers about posters who are not parents are incredibly patronising!

So DSib and one of my best friends have worked continuously for over three decades in professions where many, many of their colleagues have gone off repeatedly with very generous mat. leave entitlement. They have worked so hard and both very dutiful and healthy so virtually no sick leave either (in an environment where stress leave is very much a thing). Personally I think in such an environment they should be rewarded for not taking maternity leave by being able to retire a year or so early!

OP you're not being oversensitive. Some women have an easier time of early childhood, birth and post natal recovery. But some of us have a really tough time and people on here minimising your experience is really unhelpful. All babies and situations are different. All women have different levels of bodily impact from birth and childhood. Some babies sleep fine and others don't. This can make a real difference to our experience of the process. So ignore some of posters saying you're being oversensitive. Childbirth and the time after is rough and difficult for a lot of people and there's no shame in admitting this. And your colleagues should be politely educated in the realities, and know that not all women's experiences are the same (as well as some of the posters on this thread).

@Ecruelworld

If anyone had a job where they were on duty 24/7, had a job description which spanned catering, personal care, entertainment, nursing, running a house they would hand in their notice on the grounds it was an insane workload that was totally unreasonable to expect one person to carry out.

Is this serious?

It was a year off. You was off work haha