To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

[TurquoiseKiss]

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

@toocoldforsno

Plenty of people understand how annoying and sexist this is, it's not because you can't see it or don't want to see it that many other are not able to

It's not sexist in the slightest to say a year off work is a year off work. My DH is just back from six months off work for parental leave. He, I, his boss and everyone with a brain knows he had six months off work.

I don't care what your husband did with his parental leave, but maternity leave is different and is not time off. It's maternity leave. That's why we have a name for it.

‘I’m coming back for a break’ is my usual response.

It's a year away, not a year off. It's hardly complicated, time off, you are having a break, time away, you just aren't there

That's just semantics. You were off or away for the same amount of time, whatever. You still didn't go to work for a year, regardless of what you did during that year.

@Whammyyammy

Can anyone explain why 12 months away from work on maternity leave us not a year off work?

Apparently it's because maternity leave is hard and therefore we are supposed to pretend that it's work in the exact same way as work is, and its offensive to say you had a year off work even though we all know you actually had a year off work.

Or maybe people are too thick to understand that in this context work means your job that you are paid to do, and instead think it means anything that you do that you find hard.

I've got 3 month old twins

I have a challenging high pressured job involving lots of travel and deadlines and managing a lot of people responsibility money and expectations .....maternity leave is 100% a year time off....for ME. I've worked my way through several cook books, decorated the house/caught up on DIY during nap times, generally had a lovely time 🤣

But not every one as my experience that's why these threads always descend into carnage because one persons "time off" is another persons hard slog 🤷‍♀️

@GoldenOmber

Exactly this. If it was such a hardship why wouldn't you go back sooner?

And if it’s such a relaxing lovely easy time, why aren’t more men keen to take up SPL?

I did miss my babies when I went back, and I did enjoy my mat leaves. But they weren’t a lovely stress-free relaxing year of holiday that women have somehow connivingly wheedled out of employers, and we aren’t obliged to pretend like that’s what mat leave is if our colleagues are being clueless and/or rude about it.

This. I found maternity leave much harder than working, both times. I'm just not cut out for it.

My DH took a month of SPL at the end of each of my mat leaves and oh the hero he is, lauded by all and sundry for being such a marvelous creature. Y'know, for taking the baby I'd got into a routine, weaned etc for four whole weeks. His DB told him how bored he was going to be, in a tone of "Why the fuck would you do this you slacker", and had no answer when I asked why it had been ok for me for nine months leading up to that.

Sigh.

Anyway OP, I just laugh and say "Delighted to be back at work for a break! Adult conversation and hot drinks, amazing!".

I don't care what your husband did with his parental leave, but maternity leave is different and is not time off. It's maternity leave. That's why we have a name for it

Ok so this is actual sexism right here. My DH took parental leave to look after 3 children full time, but thats not as important as maternity leave with one baby? Because he's a man?>

And also we have a name for parental leave. IT's parental leave. Idiot.

@fairynick

Well surely it was nice to have a year off work? They have a point, you’re being arsey for no reason

If they want a year off they can also have a child too! What’s stopping them?

But not every one as my experience that's why these threads always descend into carnage because one persons "time off" is another persons hard slog 🤷‍♀️

But its still time off from your fucking JOB, isn't it?

Are any of you able to understand english?

And be mindful that there may be someone in your workplace who would do anything to have a baby or would have been on mat leave had their ivf worked/not miscarried etc, so best to accept that it’s just the sort of thing people say and not take it to heart/retaliate with anything other than a light/jokey response.

I think for those who are still in the workplace, maternity leave can seem like 'time off'. It is a life choice to have a baby. Perhaps have some empathy for colleagues who don't have children who may be impacted for years of their working lives by others getting maternity leave after maternity leave and parental leave at short notice. And often missing out on the best A/L slots too because parent colleagues expect them as a given, never mind that co-workers without children may have extended family they want to be with over the same school holiday periods!

I say this as someone with a sibling who has dutifully worked very hard in their profession for years, frequently having to cover for colleagues with children. They all work in an increasingly stressful workplace but there's no respite for those who are children free.

Yes, having children is hard work and unrelenting but some workplace s can be more so.

As a child free person I see both sides of this. Obviously looking after a baby is hard. The first part of maternity leave you're also trying to recover from birth and pregnancy which have a huge impact on your body.

On the other hand you chose to have a child and take a year out of the workplace. An option which is not available to anyone else. So where's my year out to do something I want to do?

I think for a lot of people it's not really your time off /out of work. It's about the lack of flexibility seemingly unfairness of it. However on another seeing both sides point, mothers do face discrimination in the world of work. So you might get a year 'off' but overall what is the cost to your career in many work places? So maybe not the overall dream it seems to some.

But I do think one way to address this is by giving increased flexibility and leave options to everyone.

Exactly, @MindyStClaire. I found maternity leave isolating and stultifying. I did actually write a book and move house to an entirely different part of the country during it, but I also returned to work early. Everything started feeling easier immediately. Despite adoring my son, the work of 24/7 childcare is very different and far less enjoyable than my (demanding, long hours) professional job.

I recognise this is not the same for everyone.

@toocoldforsno

But not every one as my experience that's why these threads always descend into carnage because one persons "time off" is another persons hard slog 🤷‍♀️

But its still time off from your fucking JOB, isn't it?

Are any of you able to understand english?

Errrrr I was agreeing with the sentiment that's it's "time off from my Job" 🤷‍♀️ so no need to get rude

i love the 'my baby didn't sleep for 3 years, not month' comment.

My oldest has Autism, he's nearly 15... he's NEVER slept through.. in fact, looking after him is so full on, i had to give my job up to be a full time Carer.. i also get a slew of 'it must be nice not to have to work' and 'i'd love to be able to swan about doing what i like all day' kind of comments when people fine out why i dont 'go to work'

Funnily enough, most of them STFU when i ask if they'd like their child to have the disability to go with their 'swanning about'

Honestly, some of the misogyny on this thread is shocking. The OP is aware she had a year off, she objects to the insinuations that it was a 12 month jolly holiday.

OP sugar, just ignore the idiots at work, if you must reply just say 'i wouldn't have called it a holiday, it was hard work, tiring, but rewarding... and leave it at that.

Looking after babies can be hard, but now I’ve completed my family, i do now see my uninterrupted future at work stretching ahead of me and think that another go at babies/maternity leave might be nice...

@GoldenOmber

I don’t get the “but you CHOSE to have a baby, it was YOUR PERSONAL CHOICE” stuff either.

I chose my job. Nobody made me do this particular job. Yes I had to do some job or I won’t have money, but likewise somebody in society needs to be having babies, or I won’t have any pension payments or state benefits or people providing goods and services I need when I’m old. It’s not the same as having a self-indulgent year off to build up my model railway collection.

Nobody needs to have a baby unless they want to though. And nobody has a baby for the good of society surely?

I always thought getting out of the house to work felt like a holiday – free from baby demands. So you could say you've come back to work for a rest!

But to put it into perspective, OP, working through a pandemic has also been very bad for many – whether you were working from home and cut off from everyone else when you didn't expect to be, or had to go out to work regardless, which must have been pretty frightening sometimes.

With a one year-old, work offered the luxury of a lunch-break and the only-to-be-dreamed-of ease of most interactions being with rational, predictable adults. So easy, (if less fun).

I might mention that to anyone implying 'year-long holiday', were I you.

But in the end, you can't argue with stupid, or exchange subtleties with the immature. Their limitations are not yours. Be grateful for that at least.

@Neonprint precisely!

@toocoldforsno why are you so angry?

Oh ffs it didn’t take long for the feminists to start mouthing off. There is nothing to suggest in OPs post that these comments are made by males.

I’m sorry OP but you’re being a snowflake, you’re not the first to have a baby and you won’t be the last. There’s no need to take all this so personally and link it to you ‘birthing’ your baby, post-delivery recovery etc. Whatever way you look at it, you DID take a year off work. It doesn’t mean a year of no responsibilities, it means a year off employment. Take a few days annual leave and you’ll say “I’ve got a few days off work”, you might spend that time working your fingers to the bone doing a house renovation but it’s still time off work. Stop being so touchy and get over it. These are your colleagues and just making general chit chat, they’re aware you’ve had a baby and don’t need to be lectured about the ins and outs of you raising your child.

@Neonprint ohhh you have a lot to learn!!

Before I became a mum my opinions were different to now as I know the reality. Things are not as simple.

OP or anyone on Mat leave for that matter may have been poorly, have a disabled condition you just don’t know what is going on in other peoples lives.

The way that I see it is the majority will have kids and everyone has their time we should not be envious of someone having 12months off!.

People need to mind their own business to be frank.

Obviously still employed but I mean no employment responsibilities in that time to clarify.

@Roboticcarrot it's not irrelevant, that is aimed at people who (usually with a knowing smirk) imply you've been off on a jolly up for a year. has this genuinely never happened to other people on here? obviously, it's a year away from work but I personally found the newborn stages much harder than my office job and would have found it infuriating if it were implied I'd had a lovely long holiday.

that's up to me - some might see it as a holiday as previously stated, others found it the opposite to a holiday.