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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
Namechangeme1 · 13/05/2021 08:19

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop I have genuinely had three or four women say this verbatim. Absolutely no envy - some people see it as a legitimate way to slow their careers down - that's a fact.

Some women get fed up of working and see maternity as a break then go back part time because they have no interest or little interest in their jobs.

Why are you defensive? If that's what some women choose to do I don't care - I'm not judging them either way but it definitely happens.

theDudesmummy · 13/05/2021 08:21

It was a year off work though, by choice.

Ohyesiam · 13/05/2021 08:23

Some of these comments are just wow... It's kind of ironic that Mumsnet basically hates mums hmm

And that we say men are the misogynistic ones.

KarensChoppyBob · 13/05/2021 08:24

🤦🏻‍♀️

notacooldad · 13/05/2021 08:27

Well I viewed my mat leave as time off from work and I took nice trips with the new baby with my time off. We went to Spain when Ds was 6 months old and we had a long weekend in Northumberland on the weekend before I went back to the daily grind.
I loved having a summer of not going in to work and going on long walks with the baby in the pram, meeting other mums in the park with their kids and having picnics. I loved going for a gym and swim five mornings a week (my gym had a creche that you could use for 2 hours a day.
Like you I was also raising ' a tiny person' as you put it. It doesn't mean to say it wasn't fun. I absolutely made the most off my 'time off'
I honestly don't get why you are so bristly about it. Surely the questions will come to an end soon because people will only ask once.

Its been unfortunate that you had the baby during the pandemic and it hasn't been normal times so things won't have been as much fun.
I had similar comments made to me but people aren't necessarily being snidey. Its conversation. I had the ' i wish I could have a year off ' most people just reply back with equally small mundane small talk back such as ' yeah, in two minutes it'll feel like I've never been away.
To be honest I wish I could have a year off now but I don't want another baby!!

HumunaHey · 13/05/2021 08:30

@PomegranateQueen

All those agreeing with the OP, what do you say to parents who take time off in the school holidays? They are off work, but give me a squishy newborn over two hyper primary age children in a crowded soft play in the holidays Grin It's hard work, but it's not being 'at work'.
You wouldn't have recently pushed a baby out of your vagina or had your stomach sliced open, plus possible breastfeeding and serious sleep deprivation to deal with. It's a bit different.
NotMeNoNo · 13/05/2021 08:31

After a few months of juggling work and family you may feel mat leave was indeed a year off, in hindsight.

amymel2016 · 13/05/2021 08:31

I like to point out that working is a breeze compared to those first few newborn months. Just laugh and say ‘I’ve come back to work for a break’

GintyMcGinty · 13/05/2021 08:33

That's your experience. However not everyone feels that way. I enjoyed my years off.

But the best thing to do is remember people are really just making polite conversation. Just give them a polite answer in return.

HumunaHey · 13/05/2021 08:34

It really astounds me how many people view their experience as THE experience for everyone. Some have an easy breezy baby that can be taken on a 4hr flight, will sleep for a good chunk of the night, cooes quietly in their pram while you catch up with a friend at a cosy coffee shop. This isn't the experience for many mothers.

Ponoka7 · 13/05/2021 08:34

@TurquoiseKiss, don't take the harsher replies to heart. Put the names in an advanced search and you'll see that they are harsh on any thread that involves new babies and young children. Then go into some childfree forums and they laugh about coming on MN to wind 'the breeders' up. It doesn't take much to be sensitive to how you put things to people returning to work. Giving birth has been a completely different experience during the pandemic. If you've stuck to the guidelines then most of what people get up to just wasn't possible. It sounds as though they've seized the chance to have a dig. If it doesn't stop in a week, then challenge them.

merrygoround88 · 13/05/2021 08:36

Say nothing because it is a year off for work. Yes you are minding a baby but It’s still a year off work.

I loved my maternity leaves, I had easy ish babies though so had a fairly easy and basil enjoyable few months.

Babyboomtastic · 13/05/2021 08:36

Thing is, looking after children when not at work is going to now be the OPs normal, just like it is for other parents. Her mornings, evenings, nights, weekend and 'holidays' will all involve childcare, but also juggling that with work.

I have a 2 year old and 4 year old. I slept for 2hrs 45m (broken) last night, and yet I'm now supposed to do productive work for the day? 🤢 (Thankfully I can be flexible with time and sleep now and work this evening instead, though obviously this means no evening).

Comparatively, one small baby and not having to do work sounds bliss in comparison. It might not sound like a holiday to you, but once you're juggling everything, and they turn into toddlers (SO much work) best case scenario is that your annual leave and weekends are as relaxing as your maternity leave.

More likely, a lot less relaxing. So people that are already parents probably thought of it as time off, because childcare is what they do on their time off too, it's just a given really once you have kids

Roboticcarrot · 13/05/2021 08:37

But you did take a year off of work effectively, nought wrong with that, most people know what maternity leave is really about and don't need to hear about it. They will stop soon anyway, most colleagues probably aren't that arsed.

merrygoround88 · 13/05/2021 08:38

@Babyboomtastic Exactly. I sometimes wish I could shake new 1st time
mums and say ‘come on, enjoy it and stop moaning’

EileenGC · 13/05/2021 08:38

Well surely it was nice to have a year off work?

I’d hate a year off work. I went crazy in the first lockdown when we closed for a month Grin A year off would see me lose my mind, I’d be so bored.

I haven’t RTFT and I don’t know how big OP’s company is, but we constantly have a number of people on leave - be it maternity, parental, sick, unpaid, sabbatical - and I don’t stop and try to remember which leave they each went on before referring to it IYSWIM. I wouldn’t use the word holiday but I wouldn’t say ‘maternity leave’ each time I’d talk to you about something that happened during your year off. I’d say just that, year off.

Adventureswith · 13/05/2021 08:38

The thing else, no-one else really care about your baby! They'll be polite, but they've got their own priorities...

AMillionMilesAway · 13/05/2021 08:40

They're probably just making conversation/jokes and don't really want to hear about the baby.
And really is is a year off- from working in that workplace.

notacooldad · 13/05/2021 08:42

It really astounds me how many people view their experience as THE experience for everyone. Some have an easy breezy baby that can be taken on a 4hr flight, will sleep for a good chunk of the night, cooes quietly in their pram while you catch up with a friend at a cosy coffee shop. This isn't the experience for many mothers
Of course not.
I am probably one that you are referring to as I had an easy time a few weeks post birth. The birth was bloody awful and I had 7 days in hospital because there was a few worries
However the point is we are sharing experiences. Not everyone's time is awful, not everyone has a great time either.
The baby months were a breeze for me. The toddler years were not so great!! There was many times when I would have happily left home to live in a cave and told everyone to get on with it!!! My friend loved the toddler years best!🤷‍♀️

SunflowersAndLavender · 13/05/2021 08:43

Get over yourself. They are just making jokey conversation, they will all be perfectly aware that giving birth following by nursing and lots of sleepless nights isn't a long holiday. They are just stating a fact. It is nice to have had a whole year off work to be with your baby, compared the alternative which would have been returning to work much sooner. Presumably you accept this, or wouldn't have chosen it.

You'll come across as chippy and unpleasant if you insist on taking people to task over this non-issue.

SunflowersAndLavender · 13/05/2021 08:44

It sounds like you have some huge need to justify your choices. No-one cares.

MimiDaisy11 · 13/05/2021 08:44

I think everyone knows that maternity leave is time off work. I don't see the need to point that out on every second post. Obviously, it's the assumption that it was a breeze and a holiday that is the issue.

If someone had had some other medical and/or caring need and had to take time off I'm not sure people would be saying to them it must have been great to have had time off work.

namechangemarch21 · 13/05/2021 08:45

I don't think theres anything wrong with the language 'time off' but I do think its good to push back on the idea its a jolly.

I spent my mat leave having quite regular physio appointments to recover from a third degree tear, dealing with a baby who never slept and had unclear health concerns. Work - and getting to have a tea break when I wanted, and browse the internet for a bit, and have adult conversation - was a million times easier.

So yes, I think I'd do a jokey 'god I'm delighted to be back, this is so much easier, love the baby but can't believe I can have tea in peace!' and hope they got the message a bit.

I do know people who had a lovely year 'off' though, to be fair - they had very easy unicorn babies who slept through the night at 7 weeks. But I don't think its the norm.

GoldenOmber · 13/05/2021 08:46

They are just making jokey conversation, they will all be perfectly aware that giving birth following by nursing and lots of sleepless nights isn't a long holiday.

They really, really won’t. Plenty of people think it’s a lovely long relaxing time that women get as some kind of unfair personal workplace perk. We are not obliged to simper along with that lest someone regard us as ‘chippy’.

Docsmix · 13/05/2021 08:46

Mine were just like a year's holiday. I loved them.