To have been angry about what my child’s father said

[Anon778833]

Trigger warning - disability discrimination.

My ex wanted to take our 16 month old daughter to ‘Tiny Talk’ which is a baby communication group that I pay for her to go to because it’s the only thing open here atm.

When he finished the session and brought her out to me he said that he had noticed that some of the children in the group had Downs Syndrome and he seemed to be implying that our daughter shouldn’t go to the group because she doesn’t have it.

This really upset me. I think it’s irrelevant. And I don’t want his bigotry to rub off on our daughter. It never even crossed my mind when I took her.

So I told him to please think about the prejudiced remarks that come out of his mouth because otherwise he will upset a lot of people and dd will also pick it up.

His response was to say that I took his remarks out of context and that I’m manipulative and twist his words.

I don’t think so - I don’t think it’s something he should have even mentioned. AIBU?

yes, and then the drip feed started as someone upthread said....and then you added more as the thread evolved.

so no, it didnt help

Tell him he doesn’t have to take her if it makes him uncomfortable but you will continue to take her because she enjoys it and it’s important that she interacts with diverse groups of people so she doesn’t grow up an idiot like him.

My DH took DS to tiny talk and they both loved it

It's not arrogant to suggest that you let him sort out his own contact and to express concern over how your are going to be able to coparent when you are so angry at him. You know he's a dick. We know he's a dick. It doesn't matter. To your daughter, he is daddy.

And it's perfectly decent quality time if he takes her to a park in her pushchair, rather than a group. Whether he takes her to a group, park, sits with her in an outside cafe or his family's house is not for you to decide. Even if it's not what you would consider quality time, as long as it's not neglectful, it's really not any of your business I don't think. It's their time together.

@MontysRoseGarden

yes, and then the drip feed started as someone upthread said....and then you added more as the thread evolved.

so no, it didnt help

Jesus, did you miss the bit where the OP said they were autistic and apologised? You need to take a step back.

@Babyboomtastic

It's not arrogant to suggest that you let him sort out his own contact and to express concern over how your are going to be able to coparent when you are so angry at him. You know he's a dick. We know he's a dick. It doesn't matter. To your daughter, he is daddy.

And it's perfectly decent quality time if he takes her to a park in her pushchair, rather than a group. Whether he takes her to a group, park, sits with her in an outside cafe or his family's house is not for you to decide. Even if it's not what you would consider quality time, as long as it's not neglectful, it's really not any of your business I don't think. It's their time together.

Oh, here you go again. How many times do I have to say

he wanted to take her to the fucking group

You seem to be the one who thinks you know what quality time is.

FYI that post got deleted because you aren’t supposed to dredge up old threads and use them to attack the OP.

Which did seem to be what you were doing. And if you don’t mind my asking, why do you feel the need to keep criticising me when you said you agree with my concerns about him?

I’m sick of this thread - I’ll be hiding it now.

To those of you who wrote helpful posts, thank you. It’s helped me to clarify my thought processes about this. And what to do going forward.

In the future I won’t say anything to him about his opinions. You are quite right, he won’t change because he thinks he is right. And it just causes conflict between me and him which is not helpful to our dd. So if he says anything like that again I will just change the subject.

I don’t hate him as some of you seem to think. I’m just sad that we aren’t on the same page with regards to co-parenting. My ex husband and I always agreed and had similar opinions about our dds.

I didn't go dredging, I recognised you from the tone of your posts, and then looked to check that I wasn't going mad. I haven't opened up any of your post threads, but because you have a distinctive style I remember quite a lot.

From what I can remember, he's a racist, disablist conspiracy theory, trump supporting nut, all of which I find disgusting, and I can see why you feel as you do. But I very much get the impression from you that you want to minimise the contact as much as you can, and it seems very much focussed towards that, rather than on trying to establish a healthy co parenting relationship.

Some of this might be related to your autism, on reflection. So, a while ago you posted about contact and naps, but it wasn't from a problem solving perspective of 'how do we manage contact and naps' but a 'you shouldn't wake a sleeping child so he can't have her over her nap time' without exploring whether or not sure night nap differently for him and letting him try to resolve it. It's an element of micromanaging again. And it's obvious you are doing it out of love for your daughter, I do get that, but I do get the impression that you are trying to either constrict or micromanage his contact. If he wants to take her to a group in his time, then he needs to be the one researching, booking, paying and taking her to it.

I just think you've got a long time ahead parenting together, and I hope you manage to find a healthier dialogue between you.

When he finished the session and brought her out to me he said that he had noticed that some of the children in the group had Downs Syndrome and he seemed to be implying that our daughter shouldn’t go to the group because she doesn’t have it

Ok, here's what he actually said
Him 'Why do some of the children at the group have downs syndrome'
Me : 'why would it be a problem if they do?'
Him : 'Well she doesn't. Can't she go to a group for kids like her?

First post - seemed to be implying, second post - what he actually said.
That’s two very different interpretations of a conversation I’d say.
Maybe he’s never come across a child with DS and so would benefit from going there more in order to gain a better understanding.

OP, in the light of your update, YANBU. He sounds horrible. But you can’t control him, just be grateful he’s your ex and focus on bringing your daughter up to respect other people, whatever their differences.

@StreetLightsHoney

YABU. It sounds like he just mentioned a fact - that there were Downs Syndrome children there - and you took it the wrong way with your implications because you have previous bad history with him.

Children with Downs syndrome. They are not a different species ffs