To have been angry about what my child’s father said

[Anon778833]

Trigger warning - disability discrimination.

My ex wanted to take our 16 month old daughter to ‘Tiny Talk’ which is a baby communication group that I pay for her to go to because it’s the only thing open here atm.

When he finished the session and brought her out to me he said that he had noticed that some of the children in the group had Downs Syndrome and he seemed to be implying that our daughter shouldn’t go to the group because she doesn’t have it.

This really upset me. I think it’s irrelevant. And I don’t want his bigotry to rub off on our daughter. It never even crossed my mind when I took her.

So I told him to please think about the prejudiced remarks that come out of his mouth because otherwise he will upset a lot of people and dd will also pick it up.

His response was to say that I took his remarks out of context and that I’m manipulative and twist his words.

I don’t think so - I don’t think it’s something he should have even mentioned. AIBU?

@Aprilx

And in a slightly later post, I explained that I’m autistic.

Presumably you understand that autism is a communication disorder?

@Theunamedcat, it might be one person in the group that you know, but lots of parents and disabled people don't want the condition to define that person. One person doesn't age and straight away you pick out a sexist/ageist insult.

OP, you'll be arguing about this forever. You can only state your side. You'll be the biggest influence on your DD's views. Just back her up as she grows up and wants to challenge him on his opinions.

He doesn't sound like a great father but he is the one that your dd has.
So it has to be about making things work as well as they can.

His views aren't likely to have much impact on her if he only sees her for short contact times.

You are right that the courts would expect contact, they won't care about his disabilist attitudes or that he isn't paying CM.

It is going to be his choice what he does during his contact time, you can't insist he does something that you perceive as quality time.
A stroll around town and trip to a park as just as legitimate as a signing class.

His adult dd has completely blocked him from her life. I had hoped that he would try to learn from this. He loves his children - I know this. But the minute they can have an opinion that differs from his, he becomes quite toxic.

That does sound reasonable OP, sounds like you're absoloutely doing right by your daughter making sure she has a relationship with her father. Definitely chase him for CM though, go through the official channels, he should be paying for his child.

Sorry I wasn't directly criticizing you there, more the poster who suggested just because you disagree with his opinions (I do too by the way) that you should stop or limit him seeing his child. Definitely make sure you counter his views though by educating your daughter on tolerance and kindness (which it sounds like you will).

Plenty of people with bigoted parents grow up not to be, it's not a reason to sever a relationship before it's barely even started.

@lakesidelife

He doesn't sound like a great father but he is the one that your dd has. So it has to be about making things work as well as they can.

His views aren't likely to have much impact on her if he only sees her for short contact times.

You are right that the courts would expect contact, they won't care about his disabilist attitudes or that he isn't paying CM.

It is going to be his choice what he does during his contact time, you can't insist he does something that you perceive as quality time.
A stroll around town and trip to a park as just as legitimate as a signing class.

@lakesidelife he wanted to take her to the damned group! I didn't force it on him or 'micromanage' ffs

It's interesting how people on MN are quite happy to tell me I didn't explain my OP properly.

But then assume other things which there is no evidence of but you can conveniently use to have a go at me about.

@Pumperthepumper

These responses are ridiculous, the OP will be long gone.

Omfg yes! This thread is nuts, bullying even.

OP - hi. You are completely not being unreasonable.

My ex also makes casual racist / homophobic remarks - it is tricky to navigate across it as you want to buffer the remarks away from your child. I just do my level best to counter balance it and keep their minds open.

Your ex’s comment about the kids with DS seem borne out of ignorance.

My ex does the micro things like... laughs at cricket season that all the “Indians and the pakkis will be tearing lumps out of each other - great to watch” on the village green. Men on telly together is a “oh god, why are they everywhere” comment etc. Subtle and constant, everyday comments.

That does sound reasonable OP. Sorry I wasn't directly criticizing you there, more the poster who suggested just because you disagree with his opinions (I do too by the way) that you should stop or limit him seeing his child. Definitely make sure you counter his views though by educating your daughter on tolerance and kindness (which it sounds like you will). Plenty of people with bigoted parents grow up not to be, it's not a reason to sever a relationship before it's barely even started.

@Theunamedcat, it might be one person in the group that you know, but lots of parents and disabled people don't want the condition to define that person. One person foes

Tiny talk is a franchise run operation. It's for everyone. He is being unreasonable.

I understood your OP, there was no drip feed.

OP explained what her ex implied.

Just feel grateful that he is your ex.

That does sound reasonable OP. Sorry I wasn't directly criticizing you there, more the poster who suggested just because you disagree with his opinions (I do too by the way) that you should stop or limit him seeing his child. Definitely make sure you counter his views though by educating your daughter on tolerance and kindness (which it sounds like you will). Plenty of people with bigoted parents grow up not to be, it's not a reason to sever a relationship before it's barely even started.

@Theunamedcat, it might be one person in the group that you know, but lots of parents and disabled people don't want the condition to define that person.

@Theunamedcat, it might be one person in the group that you know, but lots of parents and disabled people don't want the condition to define that person. One person doesn't age and straight away you pick out a sexist/ageist insult.

OP, you'll be arguing about this forever. You can only state your side. You'll be the biggest influence on your DD's views. Just back her up as she grows up and wants to challenge him on his opinions.

You can't change him, you know that.

Horrible for you that he's in your life.

Your child is highly likely to get her attitudes from you rather than him.

There's no point reacting to every nasty thing he says, it just gives him power. Just respond with an inclusive comment like "She's going to a group that welcomes every child and it's ok to be different" and go on with your day.

@namechangingforthis19586

You can't change him, you know that.

Horrible for you that he's in your life.

Your child is highly likely to get her attitudes from you rather than him.

There's no point reacting to every nasty thing he says, it just gives him power. Just respond with an inclusive comment like "She's going to a group that welcomes every child and it's ok to be different" and go on with your day.

You're right. He won't change his opinions I suppose. I will have to accept that this is him. And that I've got to just live with interactions I have with him.

Jeez OP, Even if he had wanted to take her to the group I thought the point of this thread was that he didn't want to now?

You, yourself said that you had come to the arrangement that that he would attend the group as it was the only thing currently open and that pushing dc around wasn't quality time.

I stand by my suggestion that you become less involved in what he does with dd during his contact time. It will hopefully reduce your stress levels around contact.

I also wouldn't pay for stuff for him to do, that is on him to sort out not you. It is up to him how meaningful he makes his contact.

I wasn't criticizing you so much as suggesting that taking a step back might be helpful. ( I would also pursue CM)

He says this sort of stuff all the time. The sky advert for a dating app which had two women hugging prompted him to respond ‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ hmm plus he’s racist

Obviously all of that is wrong. What are you after though? He’s an ex-DH for a reason I presume. You can’t change him. You decided to have a child with him. All you can do is be a good role model to your child yourself. You can’t control what he does or says. It’s not a great situation but it is what it is.

It is going to be his choice what he does during his contact time, you can't insist he does something that you perceive as quality time.
A stroll around town and trip to a park as just as legitimate as a signing class.

He wanted to take her to the damned group!! Ffs - I have not told him to do that. He doesn’t have a better idea.

Also it’s not a signing class. They use signing because most babies can sign before they can speak.