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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been angry about what my child’s father said

160 replies

Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 10:20

Trigger warning - disability discrimination.

My ex wanted to take our 16 month old daughter to ‘Tiny Talk’ which is a baby communication group that I pay for her to go to because it’s the only thing open here atm.

When he finished the session and brought her out to me he said that he had noticed that some of the children in the group had Downs Syndrome and he seemed to be implying that our daughter shouldn’t go to the group because she doesn’t have it.

This really upset me. I think it’s irrelevant. And I don’t want his bigotry to rub off on our daughter. It never even crossed my mind when I took her.

So I told him to please think about the prejudiced remarks that come out of his mouth because otherwise he will upset a lot of people and dd will also pick it up.

His response was to say that I took his remarks out of context and that I’m manipulative and twist his words.

I don’t think so - I don’t think it’s something he should have even mentioned. AIBU?

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 12/05/2021 12:03

Plenty of women DO actually have children with men that are openly racist and homophobic.

RickiTarr · 12/05/2021 12:04

@Happycat1212

Plenty of women DO actually have children with men that are openly racist and homophobic.
Yes but they’re probably not the ones who are appalled by bigotry and posting in MN for advice.
ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 12:05

@Happycat1212

Yep you had a baby with him 🤦‍♀️ Let me guess he didn’t say any of this stuff till you was pregnant 🙄
What has this got to do with the OPs problem. Is she supposed to go back in time and not have her child? Stop blaming OP for her ex's views.
Thatisnotwhatisaid · 12/05/2021 12:07

I think his attitude was a bit odd and probably quite ignorant. It seems like he’d prefer your child not to mix with disabled children or he perhaps thinks baby signing is just for disabled children? Not sure but he really didn’t need to pass comment.

EasterEggBelly · 12/05/2021 12:07

If this is an accurate reflection of his attitudes then why are you facilitating any contact? Protect your child!

Pumperthepumper · 12/05/2021 12:08

@Happycat1212

Plenty of women DO actually have children with men that are openly racist and homophobic.
And you see that as the fault of the woman, not the man with the appalling views?
fairycakes1234 · 12/05/2021 12:08

@MontysRoseGarden

Can’t be arsed with goady drip feeding threads
Well dont read so
Happycat1212 · 12/05/2021 12:09

Both at fault. If you have a baby with someone that’s racist or homophobic then you can’t be surprised when they say racist or homophobic comments

Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 12:10

His views came out much more after I got pregnant and he would then regularly spend time at my house. The relationship was very on/off anyway and I never lived with him. when I got pregnant I was working in a very busy job - sometimes 7 or 8 days in a row.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 12:11

@Happycat1212

Both at fault. If you have a baby with someone that’s racist or homophobic then you can’t be surprised when they say racist or homophobic comments
🤣🤣🤣 that’s the most ridiculous comment I’ve read on here tbh.

So now women are responsible for their partner’s shitty opinions? 🤔

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 12/05/2021 12:12

@Happycat1212

Both at fault. If you have a baby with someone that’s racist or homophobic then you can’t be surprised when they say racist or homophobic comments
Why not? Maybe he’s now saying it more? Maybe it’s now thrown into sharp focus since he’s openly being awful around children?
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 12:15

It is out with your control, you need to start thinking how you do damage control for what your dc is going to hear from him as they grow up.

Yes. My older children’s father is not like this at all. I was speaking to my 17 year old dd about this last night. I asked her if she knows anyone like this. She said yes - her paternal Grandfather who is 85.

Once I realised my daughters father had these views I did try to re-educate him on why they make no sense. And his excuse seems to be that he grew up in the 70s.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 12:17

@Doghead

Yes. You are twisting his words. Possibly borne out of hatred for him, but still....
I don’t hate him at all. His bigotry comes from insecurities surrounding a deprived upbringing. He hasn’t dealt with them. He has an inferiority complex.

But thank you so much for that helpful response (!)

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 12:19

So now women are responsible for their partner’s shitty opinions worse than that OP you are now apparently responsible for your ex's opinion.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 12:24

I’m just going to point out for general information that the parents of children with additional needs don’t like people to put the disability first and find it offensive. For example ‘SEN child’

MNHQ asked me to point this out rather than delete a post which says this.

OP posts:
fairycakes1234 · 12/05/2021 12:27

@PegPeople

If that's what he said word for word why on earth would you need to ask if he's being unreasonable? You already know he is.
Maybe because she wants to just have a discussion about it, whats wrong with that?
Jjlrb47922 · 12/05/2021 12:28

He obviously thought it was a special needs group

Sometimeswinning · 12/05/2021 12:29

I'm not sure you can stop a child seeing their parent because of his views! Not much you can do but hope time will change him and his ideals. My dh can be incredibly sexist in his attitude at times, all 3 of mine, including ds are more on my wavelength.

fairycakes1234 · 12/05/2021 12:29

@Happycat1212

Both at fault. If you have a baby with someone that’s racist or homophobic then you can’t be surprised when they say racist or homophobic comments
Oh to be perfect. Maybe he wasnt like that or hid it well, thats like saying if you marry a murderer or a rapist then its your own fault, you should have known. If you cant be helpful, stop with your stupid comments and blaming the OP
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 12:30

@EasterEggBelly

If this is an accurate reflection of his attitudes then why are you facilitating any contact? Protect your child!
@EasterEggBelly

When I’ve talked about this on here before people have told me that courts don’t care about racist parents and don’t see it as a reason to restrict visitation.

OP posts:
shrewsigh · 12/05/2021 12:45

Well, he is her Dad and you can't change him. All you can do is parent your child in the best way you can.

You have my sympathies. Worried about impact of my kids' Dad on them too (different issues) so I deal with that by focussing on what I can control (me) not what I can't control (him).

Couchbettato · 12/05/2021 12:46

Yanbu your ex is though.

The reason many people think like your ex is because they're scared of the unknown, and if they've no experience of people with disabilities then it makes them scared, and in your exes case, an absolute twat.

It will only benefit your daughter to mix from an early age with people of all abilities so she's not scared of people who are different and doesn't continue the spate of absolute idiocy that your ex is trying on.

Muchasgracias · 12/05/2021 12:48

@MontysRoseGarden

It’s Aibu.... typical response
AIBU is not a licence to be a rude! Would you say what you did to a friend? I think not...wind your neck in pls
frazzledquaver · 12/05/2021 13:12

OP, I'm sorry you are getting a hard time from posters here. I'm also sorry that you are having to deal with an ExP who expresses these sorts of attitudes.

It doesn't sound like your ExP is going to change his attitudes whatever you do, and may actually be behaving worse because he knows that it concerns you.

Carbara · 12/05/2021 13:15

You honestly thought that you might be the unreasonable one, so made this thread, just to check?!😄

Swipe left for the next trending thread