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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been angry about what my child’s father said

160 replies

Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 10:20

Trigger warning - disability discrimination.

My ex wanted to take our 16 month old daughter to ‘Tiny Talk’ which is a baby communication group that I pay for her to go to because it’s the only thing open here atm.

When he finished the session and brought her out to me he said that he had noticed that some of the children in the group had Downs Syndrome and he seemed to be implying that our daughter shouldn’t go to the group because she doesn’t have it.

This really upset me. I think it’s irrelevant. And I don’t want his bigotry to rub off on our daughter. It never even crossed my mind when I took her.

So I told him to please think about the prejudiced remarks that come out of his mouth because otherwise he will upset a lot of people and dd will also pick it up.

His response was to say that I took his remarks out of context and that I’m manipulative and twist his words.

I don’t think so - I don’t think it’s something he should have even mentioned. AIBU?

OP posts:
me4real · 12/05/2021 13:18

YABU. It sounds like he just mentioned a fact - that there were Downs Syndrome children there - and you took it the wrong way with your implications because you have previous bad history with him.

@StreetLightsHoney He didn't just say there are children with Down's there and that's great. He said because of them he didn't think DD should go. That's saying people with Down's somehow are bad to be around and it makes a group not good to be involved in if they're there.

That's disability discrimination.

If you find this hard to grasp for some reason, imagine if he'd said 'there are people of colour there so I don't think she should go.' presumably you can grasp why that is not an ok thing to think or say.

This is the same, just aimed at people with diisabilities instead.

museumum · 12/05/2021 13:18

You know better than strangers on here if your ex partner is prejudiced and has toxic views of disability.

I can understand that some people might think signing or makaton is only for children who might have speech or other communication difficulties. In which case, simply pointing out that it can benefit all children and it's nice to be in an inclusive environment and that the class welcomes children of all abilities should be enough.

gottakeeponmovin · 12/05/2021 13:19

It's just a question - you just need to put him right - it's unusual to go to a group with a lot of children with Down's syndrome so perhaps he did think that the session was aimed at children. With additional needs. If it isn't you just need to tell him that. I'm sure he is aware it's not contagious!

OrangeRug · 12/05/2021 13:21

I can't believe some of the ridiculous responses on here. I'm sure some people come on aibu just to goad. Plenty of people hide their true colours at the start of a relationship.

me4real · 12/05/2021 13:21

You honestly thought that you might be the unreasonable one, so made this thread, just to check?

@Carbara Well according to some people on the thread, she is. Shock Confused

me4real · 12/05/2021 13:25

I can understand that some people might think signing or makaton is only for children who might have speech or other communication difficulties. In which case, simply pointing out that it can benefit all children and it's nice to be in an inclusive environment and that the class welcomes children of all abilities should be enough.

@museumum The signing is just to make it accessible to the LOs with disabilities of course. It doesn't impact on those without.

Like if a person with a hearing impairment was given some instructions in sign language.

Babyboomtastic · 12/05/2021 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Identifiable.

NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC · 12/05/2021 13:36

You're going to have to co-parent with this person for the next 18 years+. If you turn every conversation into a battle it's going to be extremely painful for both of you.

Bobbiebigbum · 12/05/2021 13:41

How did he imply that she shouldn't be going? He simply mentioned the downs syndrome children as a matter of fact from what you've said unless I'm missing something?

bigbadbedknobs · 12/05/2021 13:43

It sounded nasty, , full stop

boredbuttercup · 12/05/2021 13:45

@ThatIsMyPotato

‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ hmm plus he’s racist this along with his comments about the group doesn't sound good. is there anyway you can reduce his contact with your child? He sounds like he has very damaging views.
You know what's more damaging? Stopping a child from seeing their father who wants to be involved in their life, because you disagree with them.

Yes I agree that this man's views are wrong. But it's not the OP's place to sever her daughters relationship with her father before she's able to make up her own mind. OP can talk to her daughter, teach her to be accepting, and tolerant and kind, and then once she is old enough the daughter can decide whether to sever her relationship with her father or not based on his views. But until then they are both equal parents, the child is too young to decide for herself, so both parents should have equal contact in the best interests of the child.

If the OP severs the relationship now and never allows her daughter to build a relationship with her father and form her own opinions about him then i'd bet that she will end up resenting OP for it. Let her know her father.

2bazookas · 12/05/2021 13:48

Try to take on board this:

Sometimes, a person might get the wrong end of an innocent harmless stick just because of who is holding the stick.

Your child deserves two caring parents . That means both parents might sometimes have to suck it up/bite their tongue/ focus on what they share not what divided them.

Onward and upward.

frazzledquaver · 12/05/2021 13:49

I really don't understand why some posters are piling on you here. I hope you are ok.

Theunamedcat · 12/05/2021 13:51

@Carbara

You honestly thought that you might be the unreasonable one, so made this thread, just to check?!😄
48% think she is
Viviennemary · 12/05/2021 13:52

No idea if YABU or not. Without hearing his side of the story.

Theunamedcat · 12/05/2021 13:54

@SugarbabyMilly

I’m just going to point out for general information that the parents of children with additional needs don’t like people to put the disability first and find it offensive. For example ‘SEN child’

MNHQ asked me to point this out rather than delete a post which says this.

I'm assuming that was directed about my post just a quick point out that quotation marks means I'm quoting "someone"

Also not all parents of children with additional needs care because they are quite frankly too busy caring and fighting for there child out of my personal local group of sen parents (literally called that) only one cares surprisingly her name is not Karen

Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 13:58

@Babyboomtastic

From your first post on here, and the time you were having when describing him, I knew I remembered you (and then I checked).

Your absolute hated for the guy beams through every thread you make about him. A lot of it is justified, he does sound like a difficult question to coparent with, but I don't think you help things necessarily either.

If it's his contact time, it's you him which groups (or move) he takes the daughter that your share, to. Its you him if he goes to the park, his to a group, not for you to book and all him to take her. It's not for you to micromanage. And I know you don't want him driving her at the moment, but he can walk or use public transport.

I detest his attitudes (these expressed here and in other threads) but it's not going to mean he shouldn't have contact.

Baby signing is great,but perhaps best to do it in your own time, and not contact time.

Look, do not have the arrogance to tell me how I feel and bring other threads into this difficult situation that I have.

I don't hate anyone. Certainly not him - he's still my child's father.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 13:59

@Viviennemary

No idea if YABU or not. Without hearing his side of the story.
@Viviennemary

Presumably that's your response to every thread on MN then? Hmm

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 12/05/2021 14:01

No it isn't.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 14:01

@frazzledquaver

I really don't understand why some posters are piling on you here. I hope you are ok.
Because it's MN and in recent years people seem to feel it's completely reasonable to be vile. And MNHQ doesn't do much about it either.
OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 14:06

Yes I agree that this man's views are wrong. But it's not the OP's place to sever her daughters relationship with her father before she's able to make up her own mind. OP can talk to her daughter, teach her to be accepting, and tolerant and kind, and then once she is old enough the daughter can decide whether to sever her relationship with her father or not based on his views. But until then they are both equal parents, the child is too young to decide for herself, so both parents should have equal contact in the best interests of the child.

I don't disagree with this at all. He lives miles away and he won't use public transport so I have been trying to find ways to compromise with him, even though he's not paying a penny of CM at the moment.

We came to the arrangement that he will spend every Saturdays with her at his brother's house because his brother lives in this town and then she also gets to see her extended family. And that he will also go with her to this toddler group because that's quality time - pushing her around in a pushchair isn't.

He is at work all week so I think the above is reasonable.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 12/05/2021 14:09

@Viviennemary

No idea if YABU or not. Without hearing his side of the story.
There isn’t a single thread on this board with two sides of any story. What a bizarre thing to write.
Pumperthepumper · 12/05/2021 14:09

@Viviennemary

No idea if YABU or not. Without hearing his side of the story.
There isn’t a single thread on this board with two sides of any story. What a bizarre thing to write.
Fundays12 · 12/05/2021 14:09

OP I have read your update on what your ex said and I would be concerned about his attitude to.

Aprilx · 12/05/2021 14:10

[quote SugarbabyMilly]@MontysRoseGarden I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't realise that I need to qualify the OP with a word for word conversation. I said what he implied in the OP Hmm and you didn't believe me.

It's not goady at all. I am genuinely concerned about his attitude and whether it will rub off. In our household 3/5 of us (at least) are autistic. [/quote]
You don’t have to provide a transcript, but your first post bore no relation to the subsequent one. Implying and stating are two entirely different things. You have only added that he stated it when people disagreed with your first post, hence it is hard to judge what actually happened.