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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been angry about what my child’s father said

160 replies

Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 10:20

Trigger warning - disability discrimination.

My ex wanted to take our 16 month old daughter to ‘Tiny Talk’ which is a baby communication group that I pay for her to go to because it’s the only thing open here atm.

When he finished the session and brought her out to me he said that he had noticed that some of the children in the group had Downs Syndrome and he seemed to be implying that our daughter shouldn’t go to the group because she doesn’t have it.

This really upset me. I think it’s irrelevant. And I don’t want his bigotry to rub off on our daughter. It never even crossed my mind when I took her.

So I told him to please think about the prejudiced remarks that come out of his mouth because otherwise he will upset a lot of people and dd will also pick it up.

His response was to say that I took his remarks out of context and that I’m manipulative and twist his words.

I don’t think so - I don’t think it’s something he should have even mentioned. AIBU?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 12/05/2021 15:19

He says this sort of stuff all the time. The sky advert for a dating app which had two women hugging prompted him to respond ‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ hmm plus he’s racist

Obviously all of that is wrong. What are you after though? He’s an ex-DH for a reason I presume. You can’t change him. You decided to have a child with him. All you can do is be a good role model to your child yourself. You can’t control what he does or says. It’s not a great situation but it is what it is.

Lovemusic33 · 12/05/2021 15:22

I understood your OP, there was no drip feed.

OP explained what her ex implied.

Just feel grateful that he is your ex.

nancywhitehead · 12/05/2021 15:25

YANBU because it's an insight into how his mind works. But it sounds like he has no awareness and doesn't feel he is behaving in a discriminatory way here.

What stands out is that you feel he implied that you shouldn't take your child to the group because there are other children in it that have Down Syndrome.

That suggests he feels that this is a group for children with Down Syndrome which should be separate from a group from Neurotypical children.

If it was advertised as a group for Down Syndrome children then fair enough, but it sounds like it's just a group that is open to everyone? If so then I think it just shows perhaps some unconscious bias on his part that he needs to be made more aware of.

nancywhitehead · 12/05/2021 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoppingPavlova · 12/05/2021 15:29

He says this sort of stuff all the time. The sky advert for a dating app which had two women hugging prompted him to respond ‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ hmm plus he’s racist

Obviously all of that is wrong. What are you after though? He’s an ex-DH for a reason I presume. You can’t change him. You decided to have a child with him. All you can do is be a good role model to your child yourself. You can’t control what he does or says. It’s not a great situation but it is what it is.

nancywhitehead · 12/05/2021 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovemusic33 · 12/05/2021 15:38

I understood your OP, there was no drip feed.

OP explained what her ex implied.

Just feel grateful that he is your ex.

Blacktothepink · 12/05/2021 15:38

What a horrible bellend he is Angry

nancywhitehead · 12/05/2021 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nancywhitehead · 12/05/2021 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nancywhitehead · 12/05/2021 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boredbuttercup · 12/05/2021 15:41

That does sound reasonable OP, sounds like you're absoloutely doing right by your daughter making sure she has a relationship with her father. Definitely chase him for CM though, go through the official channels, he should be paying for his child.

Sorry I wasn't directly criticizing you there, more the poster who suggested just because you disagree with his opinions (I do too by the way) that you should stop or limit him seeing his child. Definitely make sure you counter his views though by educating your daughter on tolerance and kindness (which it sounds like you will).

Plenty of people with bigoted parents grow up not to be, it's not a reason to sever a relationship before it's barely even started.

Staffy1 · 12/05/2021 15:45

If he says you took his words out of context, I presume he thinks you did and he didn't mean it as you have interpreted it.

Staffy1 · 12/05/2021 15:47

If he says you took his words out of context, I presume he thinks you did and he didn't mean it as you have interpreted it.

Ponoka7 · 12/05/2021 15:48

@Theunamedcat, it might be one person in the group that you know, but lots of parents and disabled people don't want the condition to define that person. One person doesn't age and straight away you pick out a sexist/ageist insult.

OP, you'll be arguing about this forever. You can only state your side. You'll be the biggest influence on your DD's views. Just back her up as she grows up and wants to challenge him on his opinions.

Lovemusic33 · 12/05/2021 15:50

I understood your OP, there was no drip feed.

OP explained what her ex implied.

Just feel grateful that he is your ex.

Staffy1 · 12/05/2021 15:52

If he says you took his words out of context, I presume he thinks you did and he didn't mean it as you have interpreted it.

MontysRoseGarden · 12/05/2021 16:15

@Muchasgracias nah love. won't be complying with some random posters instructions.....yours included...soz an all that! Smile

Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 16:28

@MontysRoseGarden

You do have to comply with forum rules though. Troll hunting isn't allowed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 16:28

[quote MontysRoseGarden]@Muchasgracias nah love. won't be complying with some random posters instructions.....yours included...soz an all that! Smile[/quote]
You should comply with the forum rules though.

You seemed to be troll hunting.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 12/05/2021 16:29

He says this sort of stuff all the time. The sky advert for a dating app which had two women hugging prompted him to respond ‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ hmm plus he’s racist

Obviously all of that is wrong. What are you after though? He’s an ex-DH for a reason I presume. You can’t change him. You decided to have a child with him. All you can do is be a good role model to your child yourself. You can’t control what he does or says. It’s not a great situation but it is what it is.

Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 16:30

[quote MontysRoseGarden]@Muchasgracias nah love. won't be complying with some random posters instructions.....yours included...soz an all that! Smile[/quote]
You should comply with the forum rules though.

You seemed to be troll hunting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 16:32

What's going on with MN today? The posts won't load resulting in multiple posts.

OP posts:
MontysRoseGarden · 12/05/2021 16:43

troll hunting!! er, no love

ive been here long enough to know rules ta

how is not agreeing with someone troll hunting?

Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 16:58

@MontysRoseGarden

Uh no, you accused me of starting the thread to be goady.

Which is actually the same thing as troll hunting.

HTH

OP posts:
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