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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been angry about what my child’s father said

160 replies

Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 10:20

Trigger warning - disability discrimination.

My ex wanted to take our 16 month old daughter to ‘Tiny Talk’ which is a baby communication group that I pay for her to go to because it’s the only thing open here atm.

When he finished the session and brought her out to me he said that he had noticed that some of the children in the group had Downs Syndrome and he seemed to be implying that our daughter shouldn’t go to the group because she doesn’t have it.

This really upset me. I think it’s irrelevant. And I don’t want his bigotry to rub off on our daughter. It never even crossed my mind when I took her.

So I told him to please think about the prejudiced remarks that come out of his mouth because otherwise he will upset a lot of people and dd will also pick it up.

His response was to say that I took his remarks out of context and that I’m manipulative and twist his words.

I don’t think so - I don’t think it’s something he should have even mentioned. AIBU?

OP posts:
PegPeople · 12/05/2021 10:47

He has a way of making me think I’m mad.

But you know you're not mad. I'm sorry you're having to deal with him. Deep down you know his attitudes are unacceptable and that he's just saying stuff like that to get a reaction, my advice would be to ignore him an don't even give him the satisfaction of a response.

ElphabaTWitch · 12/05/2021 10:49

Perhaps he was questioning if your daughter was supposed to be there in that perhaps it was a group designed for a specific reason to help specific people? You may have taken out of context.

ElphabaTWitch · 12/05/2021 10:51

Massive drip feed. Did he actually say that? Or are you embellishing....

Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 10:51

No I’m not ‘embellishing’ FFS

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon778833 · 12/05/2021 10:57

@SingingSands

Well, following the update, to answer your question id like to say you are right OP. It's not a nice attitude at all. Mixing with children of all abilities will only be good for your DD and good for all children. And yes, your ex is being twatty by suggesting your DD doesn't attend this group.

It's so hard for children with any sort of disability, however slight, to be accepted into children's activity groups and friendship groups, so you carry on taking DD and enjoying the fun, your ex can sit at hime and think about changing his attitude!

He says this sort of stuff all the time. The sky advert for a dating app which had two women hugging prompted him to respond ‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ Hmm plus he’s racist
OP posts:
JanFebAnyMonth · 12/05/2021 11:00

Don’t think that was a drip feed, it can be hard sometimes to summarise a conversation when recounting it to anyone else and especially on MN!

If you tried explaining to him the things yr DD has in common with “the Down’s babies” (baby, language learning, benefits from company, as will the carers) do you think he’d listen?

JanFebAnyMonth · 12/05/2021 11:01

Cross posted, yeah, can see the problems....

cupoftea2021 · 12/05/2021 11:09

Parenting with someone who thinks and says it as it is does not mean your child will be the same.
It is how he sees it or thinks.
Not everyone is pc or inclusive however right or wrong it is.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/05/2021 11:13

YANBU - he is.
But guess what - he doesn't get to take your DD again, because quite honestly I wouldn't trust him to NOT open his mouth and say something completely offensive, however "accidentally", there.

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 11:22

‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ hmm plus he’s racist this along with his comments about the group doesn't sound good. is there anyway you can reduce his contact with your child? He sounds like he has very damaging views.

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 11:24

@SugarbabyMilly

Ok, here's what he actually said

Him 'Why do some of the children at the group have downs syndrome'

Me : 'why would it be a problem if they do?'

Him : 'Well she doesn't. Can't she go to a group for kids like her?'

Yeah this isn't seeming to be implying, this is outright saying it. Don't let him get in your head and try and make you think this is ok Flowers
BrumBoo · 12/05/2021 11:29

God, some people in here won't take the op as it's written unless everything that happened in minute detail is explained Hmm.

Op, if he mentions it again just tell him she's going regardless of whether he's the one who takes her. It's not a special needs group, it's just a baby group. Does he think she will catch DS of something? He seems a bit dim.

emi93 · 12/05/2021 11:47

"He says this sort of stuff all the time. The sky advert for a dating app which had two women hugging prompted him to respond ‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ plus he’s racist"

Did you not know this before you decided to procreate? At some point you both were getting along just fine and none of these racist views? Ever got mentioned?

My family have racist views but I haven't got them.

RickiTarr · 12/05/2021 11:51

How much contact does he have with your DD? Is he the father of your other DC?

Theunamedcat · 12/05/2021 11:55

My ex husband has racist views these were not seen in all the time we were together he holds some anti gay views also I admit I saw some after we got married but not before and we had a child before we got married so I can personally see how it is possible to be with and indeed marry a racist and not have a fucking clue since our divorce its escalated our 12 year old is appalled I have pointed out I would prefer him not to speak about people like that but he just Denys it happens and claims ds is lying he doesn't see ds2 very much because he has disabilities and he cant understand his speech he would absolutely make the remarks about "down syndrome children" being in the same class

My reply would be well, its not contagious so we don't need to worry

notacooldad · 12/05/2021 11:57

So he is a homophobic, racist disablist idiot.
Surely you knew this before you had a child with him.
These traits don't just pop up overnight?

RickiTarr · 12/05/2021 11:58

It’s very usual for unpleasant men to present themselves as pleasant to bag a wife and family, then drop the act.

It’s typical MN woman blaming shite to hold OP responsible for her ex’s actions.

Doghead · 12/05/2021 11:58

Yes. You are twisting his words. Possibly borne out of hatred for him, but still....

Happycat1212 · 12/05/2021 11:58

Yep you had a baby with him 🤦‍♀️ Let me guess he didn’t say any of this stuff till you was pregnant 🙄

Happycat1212 · 12/05/2021 11:59

And you said he says it all the time so I’m guessing he did say it before you got pregnant

RickiTarr · 12/05/2021 12:00

@notacooldad

So he is a homophobic, racist disablist idiot. Surely you knew this before you had a child with him. These traits don't just pop up overnight?
Another classic example of the genre.

🙄

TwoAndAnOnion · 12/05/2021 12:00

He says this sort of stuff all the time. The sky advert for a dating app which had two women hugging prompted him to respond ‘why are there lesbians on before the watershed?’ hmm plus he’s racist

I must be missing his good points.

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 12:01

@notacooldad

So he is a homophobic, racist disablist idiot. Surely you knew this before you had a child with him. These traits don't just pop up overnight?
That's it..blame the OP. Lots of men pretend to be nice when they are in a relationship.
Pumperthepumper · 12/05/2021 12:02

These responses are ridiculous, the OP will be long gone.

WeAllHaveWings · 12/05/2021 12:02

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