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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand this?

167 replies

BlossomOnTrees · 11/05/2021 12:23

Was with sister earlier on and she was carrying a bag which she was going to give to the husband of her friend. It was over her shoulder. After a brief chat he came over and silently removed the bag from her shoulder taking it into the house. Sister told him never to invade her space again without asking first. It was incredibly awkward and he also looked very embarrassed. Nothing has happened to her as in abuse so I am a bit perplexed as to the strong reaction. Aibu to say she completely over reacted and made a big deal out of nothing?

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 13/05/2021 10:22

It doesn't make sense if there's not something else going on behind the scenes. Coming up silently and taking something is the kind of thing a couple does- so there is an implied intimacy there. Her reaction seems overblown too, if there is no back story.

It sounds to me like they have had some kind of intimacy in the past- leading both to his instinctive action and her protest to it.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2021 10:28

Surprised at rh level of aggression in these posts. Fangirling your sister for going on the attack. It’s like posters are competing to see who can be the most aggressive.

Silently removing the bag is fairly normal if you know someone, know you need to take the bag and you don’t want to interrupt them and they clearly know each other. And as you said he was doing her a favour

However on saying that the fact she attacked would tell me there is something unresolved between them and she lashed out. So could be an affair ended, he made a pass, something is there that is hidden and made her lash out, that wasn’t about just taking the bag of cutlery.

MoreAloneTime · 13/05/2021 11:17

I'd even find it weird if my DH did this with no word on gesture. I mean I wouldn't feel violated but I'd find it odd and rude.

Minezatea · 13/05/2021 11:39

The bottom line is she was not comfortable with what he did. She needs to be able to set her own boundaries and it is wrong of anyone else to police that. He clearly was in her personal space and hopefully has learnt to be more respectful of that. It doesn't need to be a bigger deal than that if nobody makes it so.

BakedTattie · 13/05/2021 11:43

Everyone was weird in this situation.

Him for just taking it without saying anything. Your sister for reacting the way she did.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 13/05/2021 11:53

For some reason I really hate it when men touch my back. I reacted similarly when an old man leant in me when he walked past. I didn’t see who it was until after he’d touched me and sort of whisper hissed ‘don’t bloody touch me’ or similar. Lots of people were shocked at my reaction 😳.

I just really hate people touching me when I haven’t seen them. He had both hands around my waist and I do think that if he was really only steadying himself he could of picked a more neutral place to rest his hands or you know said something so that I knew he was there.

Reminds me a bit of clubbing in my youth and men ‘helpfully’ pushing the small of my back to guide me through crowds. Creepy and patronising at the same time. I’d rather be groped on the arse at least there’s no pretence.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 13/05/2021 11:56

Did the sister see him? Maybe it was a bit of a shock?

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 13/05/2021 11:57

Oh sorry missed a post, yes she saw him 1st.

toocoldforsno · 13/05/2021 12:12

Silently removing the bag is fairly normal if you know someone, know you need to take the bag and you don’t want to interrupt them and they clearly know each other. And as you said he was doing her a favour

IT's not even slightly normal behaviour. Anyone who thinks this is ok and who thinks the sister was weird needs to examine their own behavior, and stop touching people.

Original poster
BlossomOnTrees · 13/05/2021 12:23

She was stood to the side and he lifted the bag off her shoulder and took it. No touching of her back and he probably didn't even touch her shoulder as the straps on the bag were thick.
Very odd. I can only think his height intimidated her and made her feel more threatened in a way that someone else would not have made her feel.

OP posts:
maymaymayI · 13/05/2021 12:24

Odd of him, yes. Not her. What a creep,

TidyDancer · 13/05/2021 12:25

Did he make her jump? I guess she's not wrong in what she's said but her reaction seems excessive unless there's a specific backstory with this man or she's been through a trauma of some kind.

Original poster
BlossomOnTrees · 13/05/2021 12:27

Maybe made her jump a little but he wasn't out of her sight line.

I do think it was his height. She also barely knows him and has only met him a handful of times so definitely no affair or any such thing like that.

OP posts:
maymaymayI · 13/05/2021 12:29

Why would it be his height? A man she barely knows entered her personal space and removed something that was on her body, without a word. How can you not see what is wrong with that?

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 13/05/2021 13:05

It’s definitely a weird thing for him to do if they aren’t close.

BlueVelvetStars · 13/05/2021 13:26

are they not intimate/close any longer ? are they separated etc

TellingBone · 13/05/2021 13:28

Please provide a diagram including angle of stance, direction of travel and dimensions of bag/straps. And a likeness of said husband so we may assess for shifty eyes and that.

LittlestBoho · 13/05/2021 13:55

@BlueVelvetStars

are they not intimate/close any longer ? are they separated etc

It was the friend's DH who took the bag, not her own DH!
BlueVelvetStars · 13/05/2021 14:52

It was the friend's DH who took the bag, not her own DH!

oh wow... Got it 😳

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2021 15:02

@BlossomOnTrees

She was stood to the side and he lifted the bag off her shoulder and took it. No touching of her back and he probably didn't even touch her shoulder as the straps on the bag were thick. Very odd. I can only think his height intimidated her and made her feel more threatened in a way that someone else would not have made her feel.
I just don't see how that's possible. There are three ways. There was a loop or other 'spare' fabric that he grabbed, he went under the loop where it stood out from her body, he touched her. Having 'thick straps' doesn't cut it.

I second a diagram.

Mrsmadevans · 13/05/2021 15:05

My immediate thought was he has made a pass at her .

Doona · 13/05/2021 15:13

I don't get it. Why was she intending to return it to him rather than her actual friend, his partner? Also, plastic cutlery is so light, why was it on her shoulder with thick straps? How did he know the cutlery was inside?

Doona · 13/05/2021 15:14

Why did she borrow plastic cutlery in the first place? Why not just take ordinary cutlery for the outdoor gathering?

NinaMimi · 13/05/2021 15:21

It’s weird of him to do. Maybe you could do it with an intimate partner but even then you’d expect some silent gesture to signal what you’re going to do. Taking something off a person with no acknowledgement is just odd and bound to disturb them a little.

MrBrightside324 · 13/05/2021 15:53

I can’t picture how you can remove a bag off someone’s shoulder without:

  1. them knowing that it’s been removed?
  2. Then making any physical contact with them.
Especially off someone you don’t know It sounds a bit like a challenge you might get in the crystal maze. Or that they have previously been intimate in the past and absent minded lay slipped back into it.