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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever okay to hit someone in an argument?

176 replies

Needadvice1996 · 11/05/2021 08:09

NC for this as just feel embarrassed how the whole situation began.
Argued with my partner last night which I admit was entirely my fault. Went to a bbq in the evening to celebrate my cousin’s birthday, we stayed out later which was out of DD’s routine. We arrived home at 8:30pm.

I always give DD a bath and bottle before bed as part of her nighttime routine. I am very strict with it which I think is caused by having PND. Partner insisted DD did not need the bath and to just have a bottle and go to bed. I did this however very unlike her she took a long while to settle. I then blamed my partner saying if she had the bath it would have settled her, I admit now this is wrong. I think my anxiety almost feels like it needs that structure of routine. I did raise my voice and I can understand why he was annoyed.
However then things got more heated. He showed me the baby monitor to show DD was asleep and then grabbed my head and whacked me 3 times with the baby monitor.
He has pushed me before which hasn’t particularly hurt but he has never hit me with something. It really hurt. The argument then ended there as I was just so scared and upset. I did apologise for what I had done and partner admitted too he shouldn’t have hit me, but then said he was provoked to do so? Is this ever okay?

OP posts:
Mellonsprite · 11/05/2021 13:34

Sorry I’ve voted the wrong way. YABU to even think it’s ever ok and you caused it. This was violence from him and is never ok - be clear on that.

DaphneDuBois · 11/05/2021 13:37

Quick test: would he hit a police officer around the head three times with a baby monitor?

Nope, because he’d find himself behind bars. How DARE he do this to you and blame his violence on you? How dare he!!! Provocation is a weak, cowardly, despicable excuse for his own nasty little temper. It’s domestic violence - never trust him again.

L0bstersLass · 11/05/2021 13:47

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's not ok.

There will be people here that can give you good advice on the next steps that you could consider.

I wish you every strength in making sure that you and your little girl are living in a safe environment.

Topseyt · 11/05/2021 14:10

This is not remotely OK. You need to take your baby and leave this arsewipe. Now if possible.

You should phone Women's Aid for advice, preferably when he isn't around and cannot hear you.

If he threatens you again in any way then call the police. In fact, maybe call them anyway for advice.

hardboiledeggs · 11/05/2021 15:23

Absolutely not acceptable. This has already escalated from a push before to now being hit with an object. He will only escalate from her on in. Think of how you would feel if someone did this to your DD. Would you accept that? Please leave before he really hurts you.

avocadotofu · 11/05/2021 16:02

Definitely not okay!!

BlackeyedSusan · 11/05/2021 16:16

not okay. leave.

DaisyDreaming · 11/05/2021 16:24

It’s never ever ok. Can you imagine when your baby daughter is an adult you questioning whether it’s ok if her husband hits her over the head (or even pushes her in an argument) just as she raised her voice? You would class it as DV and want your daughter out of that situation. Please treat yourself how you would want your daughter to be treated and get help to get away

RunningFromInsanity · 11/05/2021 16:37

Yeah it’s completely normal to whack someone over the head.
Happens all the time during stressful meetings at work doesn’t it?
Don’t you see it happening in the streets when people are having arguments?

Oh wait...

nancywhitehead · 11/05/2021 16:40

Who on earth are the 9% telling you that you are being unreasonable? Confused

Of course this isn't OK.

Confusedandshaken · 11/05/2021 16:42

He's pushed you, now he has hit you. Leave now.

FlyingNorth · 11/05/2021 16:47

Sorry OP, you need to take advice and leave, quickly. It will escalate, and part of the escalation is likely to involve manipulating you/the situation to make it harder for you to get out.

giraffelonglegs · 11/05/2021 17:02

No not ok. Never ok. Hope the overwhelming response here reassures you of this. Take care of yourself x

StevieNix · 11/05/2021 17:13

It’s never ok, you need to leave- you and your child are not safe with this man

notanothertakeaway · 11/05/2021 17:16

Physical assault is never ok

And he didn't apologise. He blamed you

It's well known that pregnancy and birth are often triggers for domestic abuse starting or escalating. His behaviour was a warning of what probably lies ahead. Please don't ignore it

Osirus · 11/05/2021 17:22

You must leave him OP.

Do you want your daughter to witness him with your hands around your throat? Grabbing you by the hair and smashing your head into a wall?

I was this child. It will stay with me forever and affected my relationships in so many ways.

Do not do this to your child.

Jux · 11/05/2021 17:22

No no no no no no no

Saying he was provoked is just his way of saying "YOU MADE ME DO IT! IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M INNOCENT YOU'RE HORRIBLE"

RestUp · 11/05/2021 17:25

Nope, never okay. This is abusive and domestic violence.

How would you feel if this was your daughter writing this post?

You need to leave him. It will get worse.

Miasicarisatia · 11/05/2021 17:27

why has OP gone MIA?

MirandaBlu · 11/05/2021 17:39

I don't know which way is YABU and which way is YANBU, but your partner is a gobshite and no, what he did is NOT OK no matter his reasons.

Partner insisted DD did not need the bath and to just have a bottle and go to bed. Why? It sounds like you're the one who typically bathes your daughter, so why is he butting in? Even if she didn't NEED a bath, why would it harm her to have one? If YOU think you're bathing her too often, or are too inflexible with her routine, then absolutely make a change (and get MH help if necessary), but that's a separate issue.

I then blamed my partner saying if she had the bath it would have settled her, I admit now this is wrong. I think my anxiety almost feels like it needs that structure of routine. I did raise my voice and I can understand why he was annoyed. Being annoyed, saying I told you so, and raising your voice (and later apologising for all of this) are a completely different level from physical violence. What you said did NOT cause what he did, he caused it.

He showed me the baby monitor to show DD was asleep and then grabbed my head and whacked me 3 times with the baby monitor. Not acceptable. Get yourself and the baby away from him however you can.

I did apologise for what I had done... You didn't DO anything; you said something your partner didn't like. And you had already apologised for that, and for raising your voice. ... and partner admitted too he shouldn’t have hit me, but then said he was provoked to do so? He was NOT provoked, he is not sorry, and that is not an apology.

Is this ever okay? NO.

WeatherwaxOn · 11/05/2021 17:43

No. It is not okay.
Leave, whilst you can.

Newmumatlast · 12/05/2021 20:16

Leave now. This isn't a light push out of the way (still not ok and a loss of control but I could accept that). He hit you with a baby monitor. Deliberately. Three times. The use of a weapon (any object used for violence like this becomes a weapon) makes it even worse and seem even more purposeful as does the repetition. This is not normal behaviour. But actually the worse bit for me of it all is how he acted after. You provoked him. Many people can have someone screaming in their face and still wouldn't be provoked to take a weapon and decidedly strike that person repeatedly.

Honestly, leave.

Newmumatlast · 12/05/2021 20:18

To be clear i am not saying you provoked him when I say its how he acted after. I am referencing what he said. Its the excused violence. My husband would never do this but even if he did he would never seek to say I provoked him as he would accept its never ok to do this irrespective of reason

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/05/2021 20:19

You were annoying, that does not justify his violence. If he’s done it once, how do you prevent it from happening again? You can’t guarantee you’ll never disagree. The only way is to leave.

Jux · 12/05/2021 21:36

You could guarantee that you'll never disagree, it's easy. You just make sure you always agree with him, always do what he wants, always anticipate what he might want, ensure your child does the same. Then he'll have less excuse to hit you again, and less excuse to hurt your child.

If you do that, though, you won't be you any more. I wonder if you consider that to be worth it?