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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever okay to hit someone in an argument?

176 replies

Needadvice1996 · 11/05/2021 08:09

NC for this as just feel embarrassed how the whole situation began.
Argued with my partner last night which I admit was entirely my fault. Went to a bbq in the evening to celebrate my cousin’s birthday, we stayed out later which was out of DD’s routine. We arrived home at 8:30pm.

I always give DD a bath and bottle before bed as part of her nighttime routine. I am very strict with it which I think is caused by having PND. Partner insisted DD did not need the bath and to just have a bottle and go to bed. I did this however very unlike her she took a long while to settle. I then blamed my partner saying if she had the bath it would have settled her, I admit now this is wrong. I think my anxiety almost feels like it needs that structure of routine. I did raise my voice and I can understand why he was annoyed.
However then things got more heated. He showed me the baby monitor to show DD was asleep and then grabbed my head and whacked me 3 times with the baby monitor.
He has pushed me before which hasn’t particularly hurt but he has never hit me with something. It really hurt. The argument then ended there as I was just so scared and upset. I did apologise for what I had done and partner admitted too he shouldn’t have hit me, but then said he was provoked to do so? Is this ever okay?

OP posts:
chipshopElvis · 11/05/2021 10:00

No my love, it's never OK. I'm sorry that it happened to you. Next you need to tell someone what happened and you need to leave for you and your daughter.

It doesn't matter what you said, how loud your voice was, or wether the argument was reasonable. Nothing that you did should have resulted in you being hit with an object.

Please don't minimise or rationalise, leave him.

crazymicrowave123 · 11/05/2021 10:03

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE OMG that is so disgusting and awful to read. Every couple has arguments but should never get to the point of physical violence, even a light shove is too much whether it hurt or not isn't the point. I am so sorry OP. This can only get worse from here.

Shoxfordian · 11/05/2021 10:04

It’s not ok
Can you go stay with a friend or family? Call women’s aid for some advice but leave him asap

steppemum · 11/05/2021 10:05

No, not OK.
You OP was shocking.
You partner hit you round the head with a solid object.

This is 100% absolutley not OK, it is assault. There is never a good reason for this, never an excuse.
Being angry or being in an argument is not, ever, a reason or excuse for hitting.
Hitting with an object is one step worse. You can kill people doing this.

Please plan to leave.

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 11/05/2021 10:17

No.

Putting aside your PND, your anxiety and your insistence that your DD’s routine shouldn’t be changed at bedtime. I think you need to think about the following....

Your DP has pushed you a few times.
He has now hit you on the head 3 times with an object.

What will it be next time?

There will be a next time.

Will it be a slap?

And then the next time a punch?

It isn’t normal or ok to hit, it’s abusive!

You are in an abusive relationship.

ABitOfAShitShow · 11/05/2021 10:18

You need to leave. No two ways about it.

Frazzledd · 11/05/2021 10:22

I really hope the OP is okay...I always worry when someone posts something like this that the OH has the phone and read. I remember that feeling and even years later my heart still races....no one should live in a house where they feel threatened or fear of any kind - this man hit you with a baby monitor OP. Talk to someone you trust today, thoughts with you Flowers

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/05/2021 10:24

It's never okay to hit anyone. I'm sorry OP, it'll only get worse it always does. Please leave for you and your childs sake.

BashfulClam · 11/05/2021 10:27

His violence is escalating, you need to leave for both you and your baby’s sake. I have had really heated arguments with my husband but we have never, ever got or pushed each other. He says he was ‘provoked’ what shite…get out or ge will do it again and what will he hit you with that time? What if he starts on your child? Do you want your child to see this?

DarcyLewis · 11/05/2021 10:27

NOTHING you did made him hit you!

Every couple with a young baby has had at least one argument over the routine/settling them/why the baby won't sleep. The only time these arguments become violent is when one partner is abusive.

It will get worse, you need to report him and leave.

CaraherEIL · 11/05/2021 10:33

OP,
It’s not wrong to have a difference of opinion. Holding someone’s head while you hit them with something repeatedly is inexcusable. He is sorry he hit you but you provoked him? I know it seems like a mountain to climb and you will feel a desperate desire to minimise this and make it ok but you must must leave. You will have to leave him eventually much more battered and bruised and emotionally destroyed, do it now.

Livoey · 11/05/2021 10:36

Not OK and time to walk away I think. Worryingly you seem to be blaming yourself for something that isn’t your fault.

Coldwine75 · 11/05/2021 10:37

Oh my gosh no, no one should do this, has he done this sort of thing before? This is NOT ok?

Sassanacs · 11/05/2021 10:41

Of course that's not ok OP - you should be able to have a disagreement without having someone or the fear of having someone hit you. Fist, open hand... baby monitor, doesn't matter - it's absolutely unacceptable.

You know this though deep down. No one of sound mind and healthy relationship would even be questioning this.

So, are you going to stay or leave?

ddl1 · 11/05/2021 10:42

No, it's not OK. And this went even beyond a slap with the hand (which also wouldn't be OK!); he hit you with the nearest object - which is VERY worrying. And his excusing it by saying that you had 'provoked' him is also a big red flag. Suppose that he ends up hitting your child in the future? Sorry, but especially without his showing real remorse (not just 'OK, I shouldn't have hit you, but you provoked me'), I don't think this relationship is going anywhere good.

SemiFeralDalek · 11/05/2021 10:46

No, what he did was not normal or OK, you didn't do anything wrong, you do not deserve to be abused, please leave him. Flowers

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/05/2021 10:46

Oh @Needadvice1996 I'll just pick out some parts of your OP

I admit was entirely my fault... we stayed out later which was out of DD’s routine So the 2 of you, both parents, went out and both had a good time with friends. But it is entirely your fault?

It isn't. Every baby has its routine changed and that is part and parcel of them growing.

I think is caused by having PND. I am so sorry you expereinced that.

Partner insisted DD did not need the bath and to just have a bottle and go to bed...[I said that] if she had the bath it would have settled her, I admit now this is wrong. Why were you wrong? She didn't settle. She might have had she had her usual bedtime routine. You could be right!

I think my anxiety almost feels like it needs that structure of routine. I did raise my voice and I can understand why he was annoyed. You seem to do alot of understanding, does he ever? Did he understand your PND?

He showed me the baby monitor to show DD was asleep and then grabbed my head and whacked me 3 times with the baby monitor. So your response to being stressed was that you raised your voice. His repsonse to that was to hit you? And you apologised to him... for what ^forcing him to hit you, with an object?

I did apologise for what I had done and partner admitted too he shouldn’t have hit me, but then said he was provoked to do so? Is this ever okay? You apologised because you were sacred. His apology blames you for making him do it. That is never OK. Ever. And his violence is escalating, from a push to battery.

I hope you have real life supprt. You need to tell someone what he did and make sur that yuou and your daughter are safe.

Start putting yourself first. He is dangerous to you!

PugInTheHouse · 11/05/2021 10:48

You did nothing to provoke him, you should leave with your DD straight away. It is not normal to hit someone in an argument, its not normal to push someone either.

steppemum · 11/05/2021 11:22

OP - people who abuse you always tell you that it is your fault.

In this case you say it was your fault your routine was disrupted.
Your fault that you argued
Your fault that the argument got out of hand
Your fault that he hit you because you provoked him.

These are LIES. Why? because whatever has happened, whatever the argument is about, everyone always has a choice how to respond. He CHOSE to respond by hitting. That was his choice. he did not have to make that choice. It was not because you drove him to it, or provoked him, that is the lie that abusers use to make you think that you are at fault.

Even if you were being completely irrational, being a pain i the neck, shouting or whatever, he still always has the choice as to how he responds. How he responds is down to him, not you.

It is NOT your fault

LondonJax · 11/05/2021 11:29

Just repeating what the others say....leave. I stayed with my ex husband who was like this (no children thankfully). By the time I left everything was 'my fault'. Left his bag at work - my fault as he was stressed about something we'd argued about the night before. Couldn't find the car keys - my fault even though they were found in the car door. And on it went. Hitting is never justified.

bigbeatmanifesto · 11/05/2021 11:35

An argument never justifies an assault.
He didn't have to hit you 3 times with the monitor he chose too, unfortunately things like this only tend to escalate and for a situation as minimal as this for him to react that way is absolutely wrong.
Thanks hope your okay, I'd end the relationship if I were in your shoes, sorry OP.

Tossblanket · 11/05/2021 11:35

Of course it isn't ok.

If you were coming at him with a knife if it would be ok, not because of an argument.

TheGumption · 11/05/2021 11:52

It's time to leave my love. It only escalates from here. He pushed you, now he's hit you, what next?

fantasmasgoria1 · 11/05/2021 11:54

Please make plans to leave him now. He will definitely do it again. He has shown you what he thinks of you and now you need to put your child's and your safety first. If you stay he may begin to control you subtly and before you know it you will be scared of him.

Miasicarisatia · 11/05/2021 11:55

Listen to us, he is abusive, he knows exactly what he's doing and this is part of a strategy to dominate control and crush you