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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it ever okay to hit someone in an argument?

176 replies

Needadvice1996 · 11/05/2021 08:09

NC for this as just feel embarrassed how the whole situation began.
Argued with my partner last night which I admit was entirely my fault. Went to a bbq in the evening to celebrate my cousin’s birthday, we stayed out later which was out of DD’s routine. We arrived home at 8:30pm.

I always give DD a bath and bottle before bed as part of her nighttime routine. I am very strict with it which I think is caused by having PND. Partner insisted DD did not need the bath and to just have a bottle and go to bed. I did this however very unlike her she took a long while to settle. I then blamed my partner saying if she had the bath it would have settled her, I admit now this is wrong. I think my anxiety almost feels like it needs that structure of routine. I did raise my voice and I can understand why he was annoyed.
However then things got more heated. He showed me the baby monitor to show DD was asleep and then grabbed my head and whacked me 3 times with the baby monitor.
He has pushed me before which hasn’t particularly hurt but he has never hit me with something. It really hurt. The argument then ended there as I was just so scared and upset. I did apologise for what I had done and partner admitted too he shouldn’t have hit me, but then said he was provoked to do so? Is this ever okay?

OP posts:
Rose789 · 11/05/2021 08:27

No that is never ok. You did not cause this. Nothing you could ever do would justify that.
If you are able to please think about reaching out for help www.womensaid.org.uk/

TeeBee · 11/05/2021 08:28

No, it's already escalated from pushing to hitting with objects. Time for him to go.

R3ALLY · 11/05/2021 08:28

You poor thing, he has really done a number on you, you can read it in your post, he has persuaded you you were at fault. You were not. It was a baby bath. But that’s what abusive men do, they persuade you it was all your fault. Please ring Womens Aid and they will explain it to you. But this will happen again I’m afraid x

luxurychocolate · 11/05/2021 08:29

Ps. 'Your part' in the story about the bath etc is not relevant. You are allowed to parent in the way you need to. Maybe it was right or wrong. Maybe she would have been unsettled anyway. Either way you are not to blame AT ALL

Ginger1982 · 11/05/2021 08:29

Of course not and he used a 'weapon.' You need to get our now. This will only escalate.

MajorMujer · 11/05/2021 08:30

I'd report him to the police.

MarrymeTomHardy · 11/05/2021 08:31

@luxurychocolate

It's never ok.

He's pushed you before. = not ok (ok you say it didn't hurt but if your been at the top of the stairs/ holding a glass/ fell over and broke your arm the outcome would have been different

He's now hit you over the head three times with hard object. Definitely not ok.

If someone came along in street and did this to your baby or he did this to your baby - would be wondering if it was ok?

It will get worse. I know leaving is really hard to do but you must. I've been there. Took me a year of preparing and it was tough but best decision.

This Op, I know it's hard, but please tell someone and get some help to leave him. So sorry this has happened to you, it is not OK. The final straw for me was being asked if I would let someone treat DD the waybher dad was treating me Flowers
DrSbaitso · 11/05/2021 08:31

Of course it's not ok. Time to leave your violent, abusive relationship. I'm sure you can guess what men like him are like with difficult teenage girls.

cervixuser · 11/05/2021 08:32

no not okay - you need to leave

Trisolaris · 11/05/2021 08:34

Really awful.

The argument stopped because you are now scared of him. He has justified the behaviour in his head by you ‘making him do it’.

No, he chose to do it. If he thought his boss was wrong about something he wouldn’t hit him would he? So he CAN control himself.

You need to get out before this gets worse. And it will get worse.

Parky04 · 11/05/2021 08:34

No and I only read the title!

R3ALLY · 11/05/2021 08:37

Look at it like this - imagine if your H was out and had a row with someone about parking, fine, that happens. Now imagine if he took up a rock and struck the other person on the head? He’d be arrested. That doesn’t change just because you are a couple

TreadLightly3 · 11/05/2021 08:37

100% never ok. For the sake of you and your daughter you need to leave before this escalates. Good luck OP Flowers

NickingBentCoppers · 11/05/2021 08:40

Joining the supportive chorus of people saying no, this is definitely not OK and you need to leave.

It is normal and OK for couples to disagree, and to argue. It is not 'wrong' to have and express a different opinion from your partner, and it never EVER warrants violence. I'm sorry he's such a twat. Not your fault OP x

4amWitchingHour · 11/05/2021 08:41

Never ever ever ok. You did not provoke him to violence, it is not your fault.

Been there, believed the bastard. Five years of my twenties were spent blaming myself for his violence and my self esteem going through the floor.

Leave with your daughter, as soon as you can.

Coldilox · 11/05/2021 08:43

It’s never ok. It’s assault and you should leave with your daughter for both your safety. You do not want her to grow up thinking that violence in a relationship is normal.

If you feel strong enough then report it to the police. What he did is a crime.

Bouledeneige · 11/05/2021 08:43

No it's not okay. It's unacceptable and he poses a real risk to you and your daughter.

Who says you were wrong anyway? A quick bath wouldn't have done any harm. There's no right and wrong. He's violent and controlling.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 11/05/2021 08:48

It’s never ok to hit someone in an argument unless it’s in literal self- they’re hurting you physically. Nothing you did provoked him- he is responsible for his own actions.

Routine was always really important to me and helped me cope with my pnd so I totally get why you were getting wound up about it. Anyway that all pales into insignificance when your partner hit you. 3 times. And then blamed you for him doing that to you. The fact he refuses to take responsibility is just as bad as hitting you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hit you again in the future.

Jazzybeats · 11/05/2021 08:49

No not ok.

ThatIsMyPotato · 11/05/2021 08:52

Please keep yourself safe and get help to leave OP. This is never ok.

AhaShakeHeartbreak12 · 11/05/2021 08:52

Never ok.

ThatIsMyPotato · 11/05/2021 08:53

Arguments will be had and voices may get raised but hitting someone is never acceptable. And he used an object. Please be careful.

BraveGoldie · 11/05/2021 08:53

This is domestic abuse and is totally unacceptable and unforgivable. It is never ok, regardless of anything you did.

hartwood · 11/05/2021 08:57

No it's not ok and the fact he doesn't see that is even more worrying IMO.

DeathStare · 11/05/2021 08:59

No. It's not ok. Its domestic abuse.

Pushing you is also not ok. That's domestic abuse.

Telling you that you provoked him is typical of domestic abusers.

Making you doubt whether being hit is unacceptable is part of domestic abuse.

Making you feel like you were in the wrong or need to apologise is part of domestic abuse.

This isn't a one off blip (though I'm sure he will tell you it is - that too is part of domestic abuse) this is hitting all the markets of domestic abuse. Please leave for your own safety and your DDs safety and please call Women's Aid

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