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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it ever okay to hit someone in an argument?

176 replies

Needadvice1996 · 11/05/2021 08:09

NC for this as just feel embarrassed how the whole situation began.
Argued with my partner last night which I admit was entirely my fault. Went to a bbq in the evening to celebrate my cousin’s birthday, we stayed out later which was out of DD’s routine. We arrived home at 8:30pm.

I always give DD a bath and bottle before bed as part of her nighttime routine. I am very strict with it which I think is caused by having PND. Partner insisted DD did not need the bath and to just have a bottle and go to bed. I did this however very unlike her she took a long while to settle. I then blamed my partner saying if she had the bath it would have settled her, I admit now this is wrong. I think my anxiety almost feels like it needs that structure of routine. I did raise my voice and I can understand why he was annoyed.
However then things got more heated. He showed me the baby monitor to show DD was asleep and then grabbed my head and whacked me 3 times with the baby monitor.
He has pushed me before which hasn’t particularly hurt but he has never hit me with something. It really hurt. The argument then ended there as I was just so scared and upset. I did apologise for what I had done and partner admitted too he shouldn’t have hit me, but then said he was provoked to do so? Is this ever okay?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 11/05/2021 11:55

He felt he was provoked, which means he felt you deserved it. Time for one of you to go.

LitCrit · 11/05/2021 11:56

This is domestic abuse. It will escalate. Please make plans to leave, OP.

diamondpony80 · 11/05/2021 12:00

No of course it's not ok. I've had some real whoppers of arguments with DH (over much less than the tiny issue you argued about) but neither of us have ever hit each other. He is responsible for his actions - you didn't "provoke" him. But of course he still managed to blame you. You're with an abusive man and for your sake and your child's you need to get away from him. This is just the start. Once the line has been crossed with physical violence it will only get worse.

Mytiredeyeshaveseenenough · 11/05/2021 12:02

OP are you going to wait until you have an argument about DIY whilst he's holding a hammer?

ChristmasAlone · 11/05/2021 12:04
Biscuit
GabriellaMontez · 11/05/2021 12:05

That's awful. Please make plans to leave.

funnyoldonion · 11/05/2021 12:12

No very not ok

deedsnotwords11 · 11/05/2021 12:20

OP, I think you know you have to leave for your DD.
Do you want her growing up and seeing you treated like this,

How long until something is 'her fault'?

I have argued with my husband many times. Sometimes it has been my fault, I have been hormonal and very irrational - he has never touched me and never would.
Adults in a normal relationship do not hit each other. Don't you want your daughter to know that?

Brainwave89 · 11/05/2021 12:25

It is never okay, and this is a big red flag. From the outside looking in I would call out that a) this is not the first time; b) he appears to have escalated from pushing you, to hitting you with an object c) is also blaming you for a violent assault. Think carefully about what you do next. No one knows the situation other than you, but leaving must be something you now consider for your own safety and your child's.

LizzieW1969 · 11/05/2021 12:26

No, it’s never, never, never okay to hit someone in an argument. You also weren’t at fault and had nothing to apologise for. But even if it was an argument where you were both at fault, it wouldn’t make any difference, it would still NOT be okay for him to hit you.

This is domestic abuse and you really need to get out, both for your sake and even more so for your DD’s sake. Flowers

HOkieCOkie · 11/05/2021 12:29

None of what happened to you is your fault or ok. How awful I’m sorry that happened.

ladygindiva · 11/05/2021 12:31

Not OK. He was not provoked. I'm always disagreeing with my partner and telling him how to do things ( im working on this!) but he's never felt the need to respond with violence. Sorry but he needs to leave and seek help.

everybodysang · 11/05/2021 12:37

oh my god, no, that's not ok. Good god. I'm so sorry.

toomuchtooold · 11/05/2021 12:38

Very much not OK, and probably the start of an escalation if you don't get out now.

And it's not your fault because you wanted to give your DD a bath, because you have PND, are anxious (no wonder) or because you blamed her not settling on the lack of the bath. None of that is anything out of the ordinary. But even if you had been out of order, there's no excuse for hitting you.

notalwaysalondoner · 11/05/2021 12:44

I thought you were going to say “we had a massive row, I shoved/lightly whacked DH, now I feel terrible.’ I know others disagree but I do think it’s not as bad if a woman hits a man (as long as it’s a one off not a pattern) due to the difference in strength. But what you’ve just described is not at all along those lines - he hit you, multiple times, with a blunt object, on the head. That is bad. Really bad. That’s not ever ok. And even worse he then tried to justify it. I think you have to leave or it risks just becoming the norm and potentially escalating to serious domestic violence. It’s not worth that risk.

Brownteddybear · 11/05/2021 12:45

Not ok. He wasn't provoked. No wonder you're anxious. He's despicable.

afaloren · 11/05/2021 12:48

Please protect yourself and your child and leave this abusive loser as soon as possible.

Susie477 · 11/05/2021 12:57

It’s never, ever OK and the fact that something so trivial escalated to violence so quickly is a massive red flag.

OP, You will find support here from women who have been in similar situations themselves. Please listen to them.

KittyKatChonky · 11/05/2021 13:05

Do you have relatives or a close friend you can go stay with? Please take your baby and leave. Your dc is in danger too.
He hit you with a blunt object that could have done a lot of damage and he is blaming you for his poor self control and anger. He is the only one to blame for his anger.

Becstar90 · 11/05/2021 13:08

So he hit you and then blamed you... interesting. You can provoke someone all you want, doesn't mean they are allowed to assault you.

ChorltonWheelie · 11/05/2021 13:15

DV is never ok, get you and your child out of the situation ASAP.

If you feel strong enough call the police and have the fear of god put into the bastard

VestaTilley · 11/05/2021 13:15

No. This is absolutely not ok. This is violence. This is abuse.

“Provocation” is not what happened and is never a justification for violence. I’ve been with my DH 11 years and we’ve argued lots - neither of us has ever raised a finger to the other.

It’s not normal. It’s not acceptable. He doesn’t deserve a second chance.

Leave now with your DD while you still can.

This will only get worse. Get your daughter and go to a safe place. Even if he begs you, do not go back.

Google the Freedom Programme. Good luck.

Chillychili · 11/05/2021 13:22

Leave it will get worse. Hope you are okay and not to hurt.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/05/2021 13:27

Christ, that is so far from ok!

The rule I teach me dc is that there are only two reasons it is ever ok to hit - to protect yourself or to protect someone else.

1WayOrAnother2 · 11/05/2021 13:30

It is not ok to hit someone.
It doesn't matter how annoying they were or how heated the argument.

Claiming 'Provocation' is a creepy way of putting the blame for your own action on someone else. Making you feel bad about what HE did is another kind of abuse.

(If your DC really angered you ... would you feel it was reasonable to hit her because she had provoked you? I worry that your partner might think it ok for him. He has no problem with hitting someone who is afraid of him.)