Is it ever okay to hit someone in an argument?

[Needadvice1996]

NC for this as just feel embarrassed how the whole situation began.
Argued with my partner last night which I admit was entirely my fault. Went to a bbq in the evening to celebrate my cousin’s birthday, we stayed out later which was out of DD’s routine. We arrived home at 8:30pm.

I always give DD a bath and bottle before bed as part of her nighttime routine. I am very strict with it which I think is caused by having PND. Partner insisted DD did not need the bath and to just have a bottle and go to bed. I did this however very unlike her she took a long while to settle. I then blamed my partner saying if she had the bath it would have settled her, I admit now this is wrong. I think my anxiety almost feels like it needs that structure of routine. I did raise my voice and I can understand why he was annoyed.
However then things got more heated. He showed me the baby monitor to show DD was asleep and then grabbed my head and whacked me 3 times with the baby monitor.
He has pushed me before which hasn’t particularly hurt but he has never hit me with something. It really hurt. The argument then ended there as I was just so scared and upset. I did apologise for what I had done and partner admitted too he shouldn’t have hit me, but then said he was provoked to do so? Is this ever okay?

No, it's never OK.

He's escalating, you need to nip this in the bud. And by that I mean get him out of the house. He will get worse.

THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF OK!!!

Whatever you said or did is irrelevant. I’m so sorry and angry that he did this. Please take care ♥️

Never, ever, ever, ever OK. Classic abuser behaviour by saying you "provoked" him, bullshit.

Oh and him pushing you is also abuse, doesn't matter if it hurts or not. I bet he doesn't push his friends or his boss.

You need to leave. Next time will be worse and he will hurt you more.

The bath or not to bath isn’t the issue. You know that violence can start of slowly and subtly, yours has gone from pushing to hitting with an object already. It is escalating. Get out while you can.

No. Would he hit a friend or work colleague who disagreed with him? Of course not.

What are your circumstances? Have you somewhere you can go?

No.
It is never ok to hit or do anything physical like throw things, choke. push etc during an argument. Never.

No, of course it isn't OK. It is never OK. You didn't cause this, and you didn't deserve it. Your partner is abusive. You need to get out of the relationship in order to keep yourself and your dc safe.

I'm so sorry.

You deserve better than this OP.

You didn't provoke him, it wasn't in any way your fault. Don't let him convince you otherwise. He is 100% in the wrong here, and escalating his behaviour.

You and your DD deserve to not live under the shadow of that.

It doesn't matter that it was your fault, it's never OK.

You've indicated this isn't the first time he's been physical and this is step up in his behaviour so it's time to reconsider the relationship - you owe it to yourself and your DD to remove yourself from danger.

grabbed my head and whacked me 3 times with the baby monitor.

This is not hitting someone during an argument.

Would he hit a friend or work colleague who disagreed with him? Of course not.

This makes no sense. The one abusive partner I had did in fact get into physical fights with friends and work mates. He was sacked once for punching a work mate and elbowing his boss in the face. Violent men don’t always pick on women. Many of them are just violent.

Hon this is definitely not ok, I'm a bit speechless he did this. It doesn't matter how much you're provoked it'd never ok to hit someone. I'm afraid if this were me a line has been crossed I wouldn't be able to come back from. This relationship would be over. This behaviour will only escalate, if you don't leave he will do it again. Have you any close family/friends close by you can speak to? Please don't be embarrassed, it's not you who should be ashamed xx

I hope your okay reading your replies to this OP, is this the first time you've spoken up? Your being strong and brave right now for doing so, it takes a huge amount of courage to just type anon what has happened/is happening.

I think you know this is not okay (read your post back and try to imagine it as a friend telling you this, what advice would you give).
As a pp very rightly said this man has really done a number on you- if you can't just walk (easier said than done) please tell someone you trust irl what has happened. It is time to make a plan to leave, keep strong & please end this relationship-

No. That’s assault and domestic abuse. It’s criminal and the fact you started a verbal argument is not any sort of defence. It’s not the first time he’s been violent with you and this time sounds more serious than last. Don’t let it get even worse OP.

You know this. It’s why you posted. You just need to find the courage to get out or get him out. If you can, talk to someone in real life who will be sympathetic and helpful. Your local council should have some support services, but you might also get help through your GP or your church, women’s aid, or just through family or friends.

Jesus. No. This is not ok. Nor was it your fault. Fuck that.

OP this is an argument that happens all the time between couples, mum's often do get stressed when the routine goes to pot and men often think Mum's should relax a little at times. Whether you were right or wrong this or any disagreement should NEVER end up in violence. He was totally wrong and I'm seriously concerned for your safety. Do you have anyone you and your baby could stay with for a while?

I'm so sorry he did this to you

You didn’t do anything wrong to start with. She probably did take longer to settle because she’d missed her bath. And even if that wasn’t the case, it’s fine to make that point in a normal relationship. A decent bloke would probably have admitted that you’d be right to want to stick to her usual routine. But he doesn’t sound like a decent bloke, he sounds like an abuser.

You need to address this further.
Everyone saying just leave him, if he is the daughters father, he will have unsupervised time alone with her and could potentially be violent with her.

I do agree that you should leave him, but make sure you take all steps needed to protect your child. Report this to the police, or at least speak to a professional and get proper advice.

It is never okay to hit someone other than in self defence, and even then it should be done to get them off you only and not in an attempt to injure them.

Two things

• your DP was wrong to hit you. There is never a reason good enough to do that. EVER
• you were right that changing her routine made it harder for her to settle. None of my dcs would have been happy with a change like that. If I had been at your place, I would have said the same thing (from experience too). You shouldn't have apologise there. Because he was wrong there too.

I’m going to assume the dd isn’t his either?

Oh my heart goes out to you OP. He grabbed you by the head? He hit you three times with the baby monitor? It really hurt? He convinced you it was your fault? You stopped arguing then because you were so scared?
But what part of any of that could be "okay"? If you stay, it will happen again, 100% guaranteed, only worse. Men like this carry on hitting you until you stop arguing. Only they don't always stop hitting you even then. He is already a clear danger to you, you're scared, and it won't get better. Can you ask a family member for a place to stay? If not, ring the women's refuge/helpline. Mainly staffed by people who've been through what you're going through. They will understand, support and help you. Start your new life as soon as you can, for your own and your daughter's sake.

Btw. This was domestic violence.
Your DP has just up the ante and has become fully physically abusive.

Don’t settle for that.