How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

case 1: my boyfriend had met a woman some years ago in the area where he had a summer house. Not together, but of course he went there every second weekend or so, to see the kids. I met his friends, family, all good.
Except next year for his birthday party, the 'ex' also showed up and as you might have guessed, had no idea she was supposed to be an ex.

case 2 - friend had a partner, very typical, 'work requires a lot of international travel' man. When lockdown hit, it all came out as of course he couldn't use the excuse any more.

case 3 - wife found out when the husband died that he had left some money in his will also to his secret child. Born the same month as their own. Again OW didn't know she was the OW but thought they were very much a couple.

I know three stories.
My BF's dad worked away from home for most of her childhood. When she went to visit him, she noticed a couple of toothbrushes but didn't think anymore of it. He confessed when she was in her 30's.

Another good friends EH worked abroad and travelled internationally a lot. For three years, he secretly took another woman from their home village with him. She basically travelled the world with him.

And another friends DF had a long term affair for 20 years. He had two homes. They are now together. It was a big shock to them all.

No DC in any of these stories, thank goodness

I find it hard to believe he's giving (ex?) wife £3600 a month and living off £900 himself whilst paying for half a flat and bills and holidays etc with your friend!!

Does the boyfriend or the ex wife have social media? There's bound to be a trail somewhere. Does he post with your friend?

I don't understand why the boyfriend would go along with playing happy families for 3 years with the ex wife? 6 months or so maybe but why...

My Mother was the child of the the man with another family.
She never knew and 'Uncle' (actual grown brother) turned up to live with them and sexually abused her.
She found out when her Father died ( I was 2) and his family posted a memorial in the paper listing her much older and abusive 'Uncle' as her step brother.

I think its pretty common. My father led one and it was many, many years ago - way before cell phones which I think makes things like that much easier to pull off. You friend is a fool to put up with that.

I once worked with a girl who one day, came into work really distressed, she'd had a phone call from the Home Office telling her to come for a meeting and she wasn't allowed to tell her fiancé. Turns out he was married with children and his wife was even pregnant (they had some proof) and was hoping to get British citizenship or something.
The uncle of a member of my family had a wife and children and also another woman and one (or two) children. I can't remember how it all came to light but he is now with the OW but is a right bastard about his first family - stealing the pet dog, setting up spying devices, hiding his income (he's very wealthy but self-employed), sending the kids back without shoes & coats and all sorts of freaky stuff. Turns out he's a chip off the old block as his dad also had a secret family!

OP the reveal is in what he does when he has annual leave from work. He must have, what, 4, 5 or 6 weeks a year, Christmas, etc. If he's still involved with his wife she will expect him to spend his week-longs or fortnight-longs leave periods with her, and most definitely Christmas and Easter.

What does he do at those times?

There was a couple I knew at university who were the golden couple. They were so well suited, and just seemed so happy with each other. I think they got married soon after university.

However, he then met someone else and started leading a double life. She thought he was single.

Can’t remember how it all ended but he ended up divorcing wife and marrying second woman.

My mum's first DH had another secret family while married to my mum. They ended up having 3 kids together. The other woman knew about my mum but my mum didn't know about her. Eventually my mum got an anonymous letter tipping her off. Obviously their marriage ended. He ended up with the other woman. My mum was heart broken. This bloke sounds well dodgy.

My grandad has had another family for at least 20 years. There are children and grandchildren and we arent sure if any are biologically his. Im assuming we will find out at his funeral. He's been my nans main carer for all that time (she has serious illnesses and Dementia. Not sure what the other family know exactly but this woman is an open secret in our family. We've met her in a "this is my friend" capacity and she seems happy knowing he lives with my nan and is her carer. He apparently made it clear he wouldnt be leaving my nan (according to him). But my nan thinks theyre happy and is oblivious (depite being told in the past and we assume forgetting).

I know of three stories where the kids were all similar ages, and another one where the women met in hospital after a serious accident.

I live next door to one.

Married couple, wife's lovely, 2 grown-up DC. We've been in the house for many years, and a few years ago I got some random post, a hand-written envelope with a photo of said neighbour with a child of about 6 on a swing. Over the years we've had 3 or 4 more photos, or clippings from local newspapers celebrating birthdays, clearly referencing my neighbour.

What confuses me is why they are sent to my address? I guess it's because either the OW expects us to spill the beans to his wife, or he's given the OW a false address.

Very odd.

My Grandmother died in 1974. My grandfather found a ‘companion’ very soon after. At my Grandfathers funeral in 1994, his companion was already sat in the front pew with her three sons when the family arrived at the church.. My Dad and his siblings sat on the other side. I remember my dad and his siblings spent the entire service looking at the people in the other pew. I thought it was because they were narked that the companion had designated herself chief mourner. When they stood up at the end of the service to leave it was very obvious to the congregation, even to naive 15 year old me, that these middle aged men were my grandfathers sons. In true British style, they never met, nor was it ever spoken about again.

I did look the companion up on and found that her children have the same surname as my grandfather. Being the narcissist that he was, the eldest sons in each family have my grandfathers exact name. The other sons have his first name as a middle name.

@NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC

There's no way this is true. 3 years and never met his kids? 80% of his wage agreed but they haven't even gone through divorce proceedings? Who would agree to 80%!? You can't live on under 1k in a private rental alone! Wife obviously thinks he's only on 60kish and that they're sharing finances.

What a rat.

People have different ways of managing things. He's probably always put that much in because she manages the bills and savings...the last bit was probably his spending money.

I almost ended up in a similar situation. When I was younger I was dating an old school friend for 18 months. Had known the guy 15 years at this point. We went out regularly with our group of friends and I met his family and was introduced as his gf (i already knew them from our school days but we bumped into them one day in a restaurant). I regularly went on days out with him and his 5 year old son. Also picked the kid up from school on rare occasions he couldnt. He and his ex gf split years before. This was just an acknowledged fact with his friends and family. He hadnt been with her long when she got pregnant and they split very soon after their son was born. He felt he had been rushed along into it and trapped. But he loved his son. He was always pushing for more with me. Wanted to move in with me and have children. He was quite lazy at the time so I was in no rush to inherit a man child and said "No need to rush things" to our future plans.

One day I started chatting to one of the school mums at pickup time and explained I was Xs dads girlfriend and was collecting him as dad was working. She continued the chat, acted normal. I even told her about the holiday we had just booked for a few months away. She then text Xs mum (her friend). Xs mum packed her bags and moved back to her parents house that evening (9ish hours drive away). Pulled the child out of school. "my BF" went with them. He rang me a few times in the weeks after he moved and said they werent together but finding out about me forced her to leave and she said if he didnt go he would never see his son again. He was seeking legal advice and would be back as soon as possible. Our mutual friends were all shocked (they heard it from him and other people, not me) and eventually the entire story drip fed out. He had broken up with the ex years before but had got back together about a year before getting with me (so been back together around 3 years). He just hadnt told friends and family. I have no idea what he told his gf about me. I imagine that I was stalking him and had made it all up. I also dont know if the son ever mentioned me. He had been in my house and I picked him up from school. Also lots of days out. Ex deleted all social media that day and im still unsure if he stays off it to avoid me/other friends or if she doesnt allow him to have it. He has changed his number though and none of our mutual friend group have heard from him in years. His family dont hear from him, but he wasnt close to them anyway. His gf has social media though and last time I checked (years ago) they had married and had a second child. Still living 2 minutes away from her parents.

Thank you, it was horrifying and years later we suffer the repercussions. However, the best response is to be happy which is what my surviving children and I have resolved to be

I know two men that have done it.
Maybe more but theyre the ones i know about.

So many things could explain the “only weekends or every 10 days”. He could say he’s working or if she thinks he’s a long haul driver and it provides her and the children security, she may not suspect anything. The wife may think he’s “sacrificing FOR the family” rather than living another life with another woman. Men who work in the city and commute many hours can easily pull this off unfortunately. Now, my uncle(from what I know) never had another woman BUT he definitely could have. My aunt babysat us kids and I was there 5-7 days a week (5 for before/after school care and 1-2 other days because my mother also liked to actually see her family on weekends). As an long-haa haul driver for a large gas company AND a cheapskate to boot, he was rarely home and there was little money going back to my aunt BUT, her bills were paid, she was a SAHM, and their child was in jazz & tap dance (with all the extra $$$ that entails) so she had no need to complain(her words not mine)...but my point is, I would NOT have been surprised if he’d had another family in another state.

We have the exact opposite in our family. My grandfather on dad's side passed away before my dad was born (killed in the war).

Since family tree has taken off thanks to the internet, a man we have no idea of contacted a cousin to try and get in touch with our family as we are the only 'full' direct branch of that tree (dads' siblings all have died). He was really REALLY forceful and pushy with cousin, trying to get her to make us talk to him, insisting that 'we were family' and he had a right to talk to us no matter what. He was AWFUL and insistent that he was going nowhere and he HAD to talk to us and us not wanting to because we didn't know him from adam and didn't want to give him our private information that he was pushing for (and info about a grandfather that my own dad had put on a pedestal as he was the baby of the family and never knew him whereas all siblings had done)

In his opinion and from what his mother had told him, my grandfather had had a child with his grandmother (the mans mother) and 'that made him family and we HAD to tell him everything and give him all pictures and information about said grandfather because it's 'his family!!!'.

My grandfather from what aunties and uncles and my grandmother told my parents absolutely worshipped the ground that grandmother walked on and didn't so much as look in the same direction of another woman, didn't tell her of the existence of another child and gave her the absolute world until he was sadly killed by a bomb in London whilst fighting WW2.

Angry man would NOT let it drop and kept trying to contact us through various means and was very forceful. Even as late as December 2019 we were getting angry messages from him demanding we tell him information and give him pictures and paperwork.

A chance google this year of our grandad when Ancestry.com was free for Easter told us that Angry Man had done a DNA ancestry test and it turns out that our grandfather is nothing to do with him/his grandmother at all and that DNA has matched her to a complete other man and a whole other family. This has been backed up by his nephew and sister also doing the ancestry DNA test that show that he's nothing to do with us.

For the record he hasn't messaged since (assuming from the timing and the time of the updates to wikifamily or whatever it is that it was a Christmas present). No apology or anything for his abuse over the period of about 7 years.

Even as late as December 2019 we were getting angry messages from him demanding we tell him information and give him pictures and paperwork. **

Of whole family btw - not just grandfather. He wanted dated photographs of the entire family and their links to each other, private information about them, birth certs and marriage certs (that he'd already shown he'd bought copies of etc etc) and that we 'might as well tell him as he'll only find out anyway'. Very aggressive horrible man.

It all sounds scarily familiar, and the initial love bombing is a massive giveaway. A long time ago I unwittingly fell for what can only be described as a pathologically lying narcissistic shite. He works 2 hours away from his real home and lives in a flat from Sunday night to Friday when he finishes work. He fed me all the familiar bull, so getting a divorce, but goes back up north to just see his son at weekends, didn't want to mention me till the divorce was finalised because his soon to be ex-wife is a psycho who'll fleece him and make his life hell, he's leaving her once their son is old enough as it'll be too tough for him as he's being bullied at school, and generally lots of sob stories to garner sympathy and detract from his deceit. I've also never met any man who has had so much alleged drama in his life, like just lots of excuses for having to stay up north with illness so he couldn't drive on his gouty foot, he still had his GP up there, car breaking down, leaking bathroom he couldn't just leave his ex and son to live with, etc. Any suspicion was met with lots of gaslighting and generally turning things back on me, not to mention oodles of charm. He was incredibly manipulative. He ended up making me believe I was going mad, and it took a long long time for me to recover from it and even begin to trust again. It obviously turned out he was very much 'happily' married, and after messages from other women it turned out that I was number 3 affair and he'd been cheating on his wife for the previous 16 years! I've since been messaged by another woman just before lockdown last year to be told he'd been involved with victim number 4 for the last 5 years! The mad thing is his wife keeps forgiving him. I just feel so sorry for her because he'll obviously never stop. I just don't understand why any woman could brush over 20 years of affairs under the carpet. Fortunately I've finally met someone I don't doubt for a second. He's definitely got my back, there's no drama, he doesn't hide his phone face down or disappear to the loo with it, etc. Please OP for the sake of your friends sanity, say something, but tactfully so she feels she's making her own choices. Don't wade in saying he's an arsehole, as it won't be appreciated. Just gently question things with her and see if she thinks they sound odd, and tell her you just want her to be completely happy. If you've noticed a personality change and she's not as confident as she used to be, point this out to her and say you miss that strength in her. Hopefully she'll soon see sense and you can help build her up again. Good luck. Oh and soz for the essay. 😂

DP's father has done this multiple times, he has between 7-9 children with 5 different women over some 45 years.

My mum found out about her husband’s (my dad’s) deception when she accidentally opened some of his post and inside was an invoice for school fees for a fancy school abroad which neither I nor my brother attended and for which there was no credible explanation. The whole thing unravelled after that.

I happened to come across my old bosses Twitter the other day. He was tweeting about how happy he was regarding his 30 year anniversary to his wonderful wife.

When I worked for him it was common knowledge that he was knocking off one of my colleagues who got regular promotions and regional trips where he always happened to turn up to 'manage'.

It happened to a friend of mine relatively recently.

She was seeing her BF for 3 years. He lived in a flat near my house. He worked 4 weeks on 2 weeks off. On his 2 weeks off he went “home” (about 6 hours away) for at least 10 days. He has a severely disabled daughter and said he lived in the annexe of the old family home.

My friend met his father, brother and best friend. She met his daughter on odd days out a few times and then spent the odd weekend with him and his daughter. They didn’t do it often as he said his ex wasn’t happy with her staying in her house (friend was told she was at her parents for a break and to give him time with his DD).

He had social media, he added us all, and he even came on a group holiday with us all twice.

The only reason it unravelled was when he got a new tattoo our friend was laughing in that “you’ll never guess what he’s done now way” telling us about it when three of us were in a cafe. The other friend with us searched his name on Facebook generally rather than in her friends by mistake and two accounts with his name and pic came up, but one had an additional middle name. That niggled my friend and she ended up finding the “ex” wife’s profile, which had low privacy settings, and discovered they were in fact still together.

The weekends he’d spent with my friend and his daughter were ones where she was at hen dos, weddings and the likes and he was at home with their DD. She was devastated. Her ex-husband had cheated on her and she’d felt so humiliated by it, and had told this man that, and then he turned her into the OW. They’d even discussed the tests that would be involved if they wanted to have a baby to see the risk of his DD’s condition happening again.