How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

My relative back in the late 70s/ early 80s worked away in the week, came home at weekends. When he was older he was seriously ill and was taken into hospital in the work location. When his family went to visit him it all came out that he had another 'wife' and other children there as well as at 'home'. I think he wouldn't have been caught otherwise because there wasn't social media and the internet so short of following the guy you wouldn't have known what he was up to elsewhere.

A friend of my parents worked as a long haul pilot, with a wife and grown up children in the UK. She came across some bank statements whilst looking for something and it all unravelled. He had a toddler and another baby on the way, big house and a whole second life. Neither woman suspected a thing until it was uncovered...

Another ex colleague had a husband who worked in the airline industry. He became very ill just after returning from a trip. Emerged he had a tropical disease that could only have been contracted in a handful of countries, none of which he was known to have worked in. Wife did some digging around, as there were a few other things that didn’t make sense- he had a massive house, wife and 3 children in this country!

I know one person who had a whole other family overseas (he worked 1 month away, 1 month home or something like that). Kids, the lot!

I think it's more common then I'd like to think. You'd need some energy and a good memory to keep it all going though.

I often come across women who are either pregnant or have a child under 1 (in my line of work) who claim their child's father had an entire relationship/family they were unaware of for at least a year. The truth often comes out when the women are pregnant.

It definitely happens.

I think long term affairs are very common, but they’re not real double life scenarios.

Friend has been having a relationship with a QC for almost 20 years. His work means he’s frequently away from home on long trials so she goes and stays with him. They have a child together. Totally insane.

They have mutual friends who are aware and with whom they are “out” so to speak. I am sure the poor wife is clueless.

I recently heard of someone whose husband was apparently a foreign diplomat so was frequently away from home. It transpired that his wife of 32 years knew nothing about his second family abroad, 4 more children etc.
How do these men afford it without their wives getting suspicious?

How do these men afford it without their wives getting suspicious?

I can only think they lie about their income. If you have separate accounts I suppose you could say you earn £60k when it's really £100k

OP...something very similar happened to me. Long distance thing. Man said he was married and they still shared a house but were like friends and not in love anymore and that they were about to start a divorce (no kids involved). He did that thing of telling me a half truth so I thought he was genuine, and he was always staying at mine between work trips too so I never guessed he was lying as God knows where he told his wife he was. He even proposed. Anyway, three years later, I'm suspicious due to various things like him not moving in full time etc. and being weird about me visiting him, and then it all comes out that he was very much still with his wife. Boyfriend after a stalker, one after that I'm sure was gay....give me dogs any day!

@YanTanTethera123

I recently heard of someone whose husband was apparently a foreign diplomat so was frequently away from home. It transpired that his wife of 32 years knew nothing about his second family abroad, 4 more children etc. How do these men afford it without their wives getting suspicious?

This would raise alarm bells for me...when you hear of scams it's always a man who's a foreign diplomat or spy!

When I met my partner he was leading a double life. He was living with an old man but they were in a relationship which was the bit I didn’t know. I found out once we were very in love and after a lot of upset, he left him and came to live with me. Over the years he has lied numerous times about seeing him. He isn’t good at hiding things so I usually find out. At first it upset me but now I don’t care. He is mostly with us (his family) but occasionally he has to see him still and I just let him get on with it. It is unconventional but I suppose his feelings for him must be deep to still want to be in his life after such a long time (over 15 years).

She is a very trusting person
that'll be what attracted him to her

I met a man at a wedding once who's father had two families. They only found out at his funeral. The two sets of kids were called the same names in the same order as well!!!

I also know of a man who had a wife and kids and a girlfriend and another baby for like 50 years. I think they all knew about each other though, or at least the girlfriend knew about the wife and kids.

Very common scenario. Which I only became aware of in my own situation.
I was community nurse. He was accountant. Married 14 years. 4 kids. I had responsibility for child protection in my area of work, I was not naive.
Police knocked on door one day and thats when I discovered that my respectable job was a front for a pretty major league criminal and paedophile who had also been abusing our own children and had the house rigged with cameras which streamed film, for example, of the family bathroom and toilet, to the Internet. Thats when I discovered double lives are incredibly common

He's still half in the marriage after 3 years of "divorce proceedings"? What on earth is going on then?

I know you think it isn't your business and to some degree it isn't, but honestly, your friend must have such low self worth to stay in a relationship like that :( Settling for half of a man (assuming she's not polyamorous) isn't valuing herself, and as long as she allows it to carry on he will always have ties to his wife.

Your friend is the "other woman" and it doesn't matter whether or not his wife knows, she is still the other woman because he has a wife and kids.

She is his mistress clearly!

I think they're very common in certain circles. I've worked on several army bases around the world, and the majority of those serving on the base had girlfriends in that country and wives/girlfriends/kids at home who had no idea. The affairs weren't hidden; we all knew X had this gf and wife at home and Y had that gf and fiance at home etc. No need to hide it because they were all at it so no one was going to tell. I would never ever date anyone in the army because of that. Every army wife says, "oh, not my husband" but my experience tells me that it's the majority of the husbands.

You're right he sounds dodgy

Let me guess:

he's not on Facebook or any social media?

His wife has mental health issues which is why he has to sleep on her sofa twice a month and pay her the majority of his salary. He worries she will do something silly if he pushes the divorce on too quickly

And she doesn't understand him.

And why the divorce is taking three years and counting to finalise ?

Not met the kids in 3 years? Hmm what could that be, learning difficulties?

Sorry just read that he still goes on holiday eith wife and kids

Ohhh your poor friend. How utterly embarrassing for her

CrisPbacon, I'm so sorry, I cant imagine how shocking and horrifying this must have been for you and your children. I hope you have been able to move forwards

I know of two men who had double lives.

One used the new motorbike his wife bought him to buy his pregnant girlfriend a car. GIrlfriend had been with him 5 years. She found out he was married 8 weeks after her baby was born. Wife chatted with an old friend who worked with girlfriend and asked when the wife had divorced him.
That kicked off some interesting conversations. Two of his children were born 3 months apart.

The other (yes, in the forces) had a second family for 12 years before the wife found out about his other children.

My ex had a child to someone else and was regularly visiting him, while I was busy working a full time job and bringing up our 3 children, pretty much by myself. The child was nearly 4 before he admitted it to me.
I had suspicions he was cheating but could not prove it, he kept telling me I was paranoid.
Trust your instincts!!

My mum dated a guy about 15 years ago who was in the navy so was based our port city and went home every second weekend to visit his kids, he was divorced so stayed in b&bs when he went home. All fine met the family attended my niece's birthday party all normal. Until she bumped into him and his wife in the city one day when his wife was coming to visit him, walked past hand in hand with the wife as if he didn't know my mum then called her later to say they could just keep up the arrangement. He'd clearly done it before.

My grans sisters husband also had 2 families at opposite sides of Leeds in the 70's

I don't think it's that uncommon - especially when one half is an expat living abroad and the other lives in the original home, often with the kids. I lived in Hong Kong for a bit, I knew of two guys who did this. They both had Asian girlfriends who they had duped, but had a wife and family back in UK who they were still with (not separated or divorced). One of the guys had his wife visit once with kids, it was awkward (but accepted) and the gf had been given a holiday with her family for a month, and she thought he was treating her, but he was getting her out the way for his wife and kids to arrive.

Apart from the sheer cost of it all, there must be so, so many opportunities to slip up. Little things, like a shirt 'missing' (because it's in the wash at the other house), or inconsistent description of where you've been.

You'd have to take an overnight bag with you everywhere if you claim to be staying in hotels 'for work'.