How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

My dad had a friend in the foreign office in the 1980s and he was based in Malaysia for a long period. Had a second family out there which was totally open (as it had to be) and although his wife didn’t “know”, she kind of did.
She, however, had a number of long term female “companions” who kept her company while her husband was away.
No kids and everyone seemed kind of ok with this situation!

Just found out bf was still living as a couple with his wife. Working professional who supposedly only stayed at weekends to have kids whilst wife worked nights. Had to move back in because of Covid restrictions but told me it was purely for childcare, he hated it, atmosphere was awful blah blah blah. Finally asked the wife and she confirmed they had never broke up... I am now the harlot that set out to ruin their marriage/ family/ life 🙁

Name changed for this.

I worked for an airline and part of my job was in the CARE team which dealt with the aftermath of accidents.

We unfortunately had a fatal crash. Let's say the aircraft was flying from country A to country B. I was sent to country B to assist the families of the deceased.

A wife came forward and was being supported along with her 3 children. Her DH was a business man who spent his weeks in Country A flying home at the weekend.

And then another wife and 2 children came forward in country A.

It was a nightmare situation for everyone but especially the wives who had no idea the other one existed.

We had to get specialist legal advice as only one wife (the original one which was the legal one) could get the insurance and compensation payout. I felt desperately sorry for the 2nd wife.

My father was friends with a couple for years. The husband was a lorry driver, so away lots. The wife eventually found out he had a GF hundreds of miles away. She sold her story to one of the tabloids.

My DGM was illegitimate as her DM was the mistress of a wealthy businessman. I don’t know if his wife knew but he financed an entirely separate household.

I only know of one, friend of friend (I met her at friends hen do so she is real). She has 2 children with a married man, she knows he is still married. He spends 80%of his time with his wife. He has never been out in public with his children with her. The kids are unaware.
His wife and other children only live 4 miles away.
Absolutely batshit.

But I don’t think it’s that common to have proper double lives. Very common to have an OW though.

@B246

Just found out bf was still living as a couple with his wife. Working professional who supposedly only stayed at weekends to have kids whilst wife worked nights. Had to move back in because of Covid restrictions but told me it was purely for childcare, he hated it, atmosphere was awful blah blah blah. Finally asked the wife and she confirmed they had never broke up... I am now the harlot that set out to ruin their marriage/ family/ life 🙁

My friend's boyfriend says exactly the same thing, he hates going back to the family home, awful atmosphere etc. My friend says she feels so sorry for him having to put up with it and what a great guy he is.

Some of these stories are heartbreaking.

I don't know whether to say anything to my friend to be honest.

Yes its common. I'm in a divorce support groups for women whose husbands have walked out on long marriages. The marriages are good, with the usual glitches if you have been married for 25-45 years, until it appears they are not. In the vast majority of cases there is another woman who may or may not know she is the OW. These men are really good at leading double lives. There is the 'how could you not know?' question. It's tough because these are allegedly good men, solid jobs, who love their children and apparently their wives until the 'I can't do this anymore' and 'I haven't loved you for years' and 'there isn't anyone else.' Then the truth comes out. Society says you are the fool, or the bitch queen or crazy first wife. The husband gets a new partner usually younger and no one turns a hair. Read the script. They can't even be original.

@Muchasgracias

Yes he is living a double life and your friend is helping him fund it. Help her get out of this.

Agree. Don't let her waste her life on him amy longer. How you broach the subject and get her to leave is another story. Good luck but sooner rather than later is prob better after lockdown she can go out more and meet someone better x

This happened to someone I know. She lived with him for five years and they had holidays and every other Christmas together
He said he was divorced, ex wife was crazy that's why she couldn't meet his kids etc.
Some of her friends were suspicious and tracked down his wife, the OW told his wife , he denied everything and OW was arrested for harassment/ stalking.
She showed police evidence , photos etc.
They said they wouldn't tell the wife as 'why break up a happy little family'

So the wife still thinks OW was some mad stalker.

You're in a friend's bind. That tricky position where you can see there's something wrong but you value the friendship above the truth, because you want to be there for your friend when it unravels.

This is why truth comes from acquaintances and friends of friends, not from friends themselves. Also why most people are surrounded by a fake-news-affirming support bubble.

I think the best thing you can do is probe for associated problems. What's her home-ownership / tenancy situation? Will she lose out financially, in terms of security, when he leaves? (Which he will. He's unlikely to want to be bound to two menopausal women at once. Trite but true). How will she cope emotionally? Is she missing out on the potential for real happiness in another relationship, now? (If you think no and she thinks yes, she'll hate you when it unravels. If you think yes and she thinks no, you have to decide what meaningful support you can offer, to boost her confidence and her chances).

You could say something like 'you know, to some people, it might look as if he's happily married, keeping a mistress in a flat (and taking advantage of your willingness to believe his lies)'. Or, can you say that someone else suggested this to you? Do other people know about her situation?

You need to decide whether it is really damaging to her. How she's going to respond when it ends. Maybe she'll be sad, get a cat and move on, with a long period of happiness to look back upon. Or maybe she'll be homeless and mentally destroyed.

Then, if a bad outcome looks likely, you need to decide which you value more, the friend or the friendship.

Generally, I find this thread fascinating. It presents a societal conspiracy (it's that patriarchy again), whereby we all know the tropes of the crazy ex and the deranged, family-destroying mistress but the image of Two-Family Ted is nowhere near as popularly well-established.

@PegasusReturns

I think long term affairs are very common, but they’re not real double life scenarios.

Friend has been having a relationship with a QC for almost 20 years. His work means he’s frequently away from home on long trials so she goes and stays with him. They have a child together. Totally insane.

They have mutual friends who are aware and with whom they are “out” so to speak. I am sure the poor wife is clueless.

That strikes me as a double life scenario! 🤨

I think that, like OP's friend's scenario, is classic mistress, not double life, because the mistress knows there is a wife.

True double lives involve full double deceptions.

@lottiegarbanzo

Generally, I find this thread fascinating. It presents a societal conspiracy (it's that patriarchy again), whereby we all know the tropes of the crazy ex and the deranged, family-destroying mistress but the image of Two-Family Ted is nowhere near as popularly well-established.

Love the term Two Family Ted!

The bloke equivalent of Six Dinner Sid.

My sister suspects the man who bought the house next to her, but who is hardly ever there has some double-life going on (based on the set-up, the circumstances of how my sister unexpectedly spotted him on a trip away and the sheer power imbalance between him and the much younger woman with young kids who is installed in the house).

He’s really horrible.

If it caused you to rethink the legitamacy of a relationshipt the get into reverse right away. He souynds like a guy beingtaken for a ride for his money- or is he ?

@BonnieDundee

My dad's (ex) friend did this. Shift working was what let him get away with it... he would tell one girlfriend he was on nights and go to his other home. Two sets of kids. They found out, horrifically, when the girlfriends were both trying on wedding dresses at the same time in the same shop. Started chatting, both marrying firemen named Paul, etc etc.

My ex was a fireman and did exactly the same. Saying on nights but with OW. Happy to say I divorced him

@Megan2018

I only know of one, friend of friend (I met her at friends hen do so she is real). She has 2 children with a married man, she knows he is still married. He spends 80%of his time with his wife. He has never been out in public with his children with her. The kids are unaware. His wife and other children only live 4 miles away. Absolutely batshit.

But I don’t think it’s that common to have proper double lives. Very common to have an OW though.

I don't think they set out to have a double life though. OW becomes pregnant and boom. Double life begins. Or he walks away from the scenario, which is totally shit.

There really are no winners from having an affair!

Must be awful for the kids to find out who your father really is. Terrible for the adults too but especially for the kids, they didn’t ask to be born.

I know of a few men who did this. One woman I knew started seeing a man who said he was separated etc etc (insert script). She became pregnant about 1yr into the relationship. He was still backwards and forwards only giving her very small amounts of his time. When she was 6 months pregnant he got called away and was unreachable by phone for about 1-2 weeks. It turned out his wife had given birth to their 2nd or 3rd child and needed to remain in hospital afterwards for a while so he had to look after his other children. The OW who was 6 months pregnant found this out from an unknown source and he had to come clean and admit that he never left his wife (clearly never stopped sleeping with her either). He kept making promises that he would though so I think OW was strung along for quite a while. I don’t know how that panned out but I think she was dead set on telling the wife about the baby etc if he didn’t leave her.

I don’t know what the end outcome was, but there was a case in a school I worked in donkeys years ago where a child in Y1’s mother died suddenly. There was a difficult time getting a hold of the Dad as he worked away for weeks at a time. Then it came out that he was actually married and neither woman had known about the other so he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to take his child home with him as his wife and children didn’t know, or if he’d have to find somewhere else to live.

@MerryAnton

:(

I've met him twice. The first time, he told me in the first 2 minutes of meeting that he'd had cancer. I honestly felt like he was trying to manipulate sympathy as a ploy to be somehow endearing. My DH has met him, who likes everyone, but says there is something off about him.

3 years seems a long time to keep a lie up though, and I can't imagine his wife is happy only seeing him every other weekend? If they are still together I wonder if he just blames 'work'?

Does his social media show them together or separated? That'd be the first thing I started looking into.

A friend of my parents thought his father was in the Territorial Army and that was why he was often away. When the father died, it transpired that he had two families and both thought he was in the TA and out on "missions". He'd even convinced the women to use the same initial letter for all the kids' names. I think the families met for the first time at his funeral. I don't think I'd believe that was real if it hadn't come from my parents!

My friends dad had two families. He married one woman but not the other. He had 3 children per family, they were all really close in age e.g the wife had a 1,3,5 year old and the partner had a 2,4,6 year old .
He’s fat and not attractive at all, he wears scruffy clothes and it’s generally a waste of space so how he got two women to put up with him I will never know.
He got caught when he had an serious accident at work and the hospital had to call and tell someone (my friend was about 12 then).
My friend is very close to her ‘secret’ siblings as well as her other siblings but she doesn’t speak to her dad much.

Where are all the stories of women who live double lives, are they just too clever to get caught?