How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

Just to add, I'm not endorsing it in any way, or thinking the perpetrators are somehow amazing for managing it.

I was just thinking through the logistics.

Yes i had a well educated, financially stable lovely friend in similar position who fell for the trap.

Worked with a guy.
He lived in the town mon-fri for work.
Started dating.
He went hone to see his kids and elderly parents at weekends.
Relationship developed.
He moved in with her mon- fri.
Still went home to see kids.
This went on for over a year. Ex was mad according to him and violent and going to take him fo everything he had in divorce.

Turned out he was living totally normal life with wife and kids too who thought he was just still working away. House was rented.

It does happen.

Yes he is living a double life - your friend is his bit on the side and he is a massive liar - deep down she has to know this and is willing to accept this fake life of hers - but you don't don't have to join her in this fantasy - speak the truth so at least someone is being honest with her

I’ve known quite a few. The most surprising was when I was a teenager and good friends of my parents ended up in a now defunct tabloid - it turned out he had a whole other family living a few streets away. They were honestly the most ordinary couple - he looked a bit like Dawn’s other half in Gavin and Stacey - and it all seemed so unlikely. But totally true!

@Brokenpencilsarepointless' post has reminded me of another.
Someone in XH's family (formerly army) was working away in Japan.
It was never overtly said, but it became obvious he had a mistress overseas. The wife went out to visit, became 'ill' and had to come home. He came back with her, and never returned - I can only assume she put her foot down. The sad thing is, they're still 'together', but lead very separate lives.

I’m not sure if it is common but I know of a situation where a man left and raised a second family- and named his children the same again! So he had two DCs with the same name... in two different towns with two partners

Sounds like he is still with his wife and tells her he is doing something else when he is with your friend. There's no way he would give his soon soon-to-be ex that much of his salary.

two sets of kids were called the same names in the same order
Clever idea to avoid triping up on names!

My sister’s best friend’s father turned out to have two families. He worked in the intelligence services (genuinely) and it seemed the secrecy and subterfuge he was trained in at work permeated the rest of his life. Very like the TV series Mrs Wilson, based on Ruth Wilson.

On Ruth Wilson’s grandmother ^^

I really don't think double lives are very common - but what you describe is dodgy as hell and if your friend has stayed with this person for 3 years already than she might be slowly coming to a conclusion that this is somehow fine and within the norm.... Very difficult to get out of such skilful manipulation - I bet it doesn't look dodgy to her whilst she's in the middle of it and herein lies the challenge.

It happened to my great-aunt. Back before I was born so I don't know all the details but basically she eventually found out and he agreed to stay until the kids left home (they were mid-teens at the time so it would have meant him hanging around for 4 years or so) to give them a happy upbringing without the stigma of a broken home. But he would still keep the OW on the side. I don't expect my great-aunt was happy about it but it was a different era and she probably felt powerless.Then my great-aunt had an unplanned pregnancy and he decided he was going to wait another 18 years, so he scarpered off with the OW and I grew up thinking he'd died in the War.

I also know a family with the kids having the same names once the dad moved on. It was a friend of mine. He felt awful having been replaced by the new, younger Tom.

My grandad!!

Had a daughter with his ow.

We didn't find out until he died.

Reminds me of Deirdre and the pilot in Coronation Street! Seriously though, 80% of his wages? Spending alternate weekends there? Either he is a master manipulator or your friend is happy with the situation. Either way, there’s nothing you can do about it, she won’t thank you for making her face up to it. Just be there for her when the house of cards topples.

It does seem to happen a fair bit. Just why they would want to do it is baffling. Must be exhausting maintaining two lives. And all the lies.

Many years ago I know a couple they were in their 60s.the guy had a double live and both women knew. Had been going on for 20 years!
Can't remember the full set up but he lived with one some of the week and holidayed in the UK with her but never did much else.
Then he'd spend weekends etc with the other. Foreign holidays. Days out etc
It was all bizzare. But they definitely knew about each other as my ex was friends with them and they were all very open
However the 2 women hated each other!

Hang on all the double lifers are men🙄🙄 Proving that women do the majority of the drudge work how the hell would it work if mum lived a double life? Cook tea for one lot then go and cook tea for other family drive two sets of kids to activities ? I think not..

My uncle. Twenty years - married to my auntie, 2 kids, they never seemed to have money - he said he was spending it on business ventures but he has another girlfriend and a daughter the whole time and that’s where the money went. The other family knew all about it - my auntie found out five years ago when the kids were already in their 20s

My dad had 2 families (1960’s), my mum was OW, but he did live with her at times (enough to have 6 kids with her). I think he just flitted back and forth between the two women. I have half-siblings out there, I’ve no idea how many though.

6 kids with the ow. 😲

In the 70s 80s my first FIL was running a double life .... well his wife didn’t know for 20 years . Working away during the week . Saddest part was that he told my xH at 14 and told him if he told his mum it would break her heart . So he was a part of the deception till MIL found out just before we had DD 10 years later .

I knew someone who was engaged. Her fiancé worked away during the week. Wedding was booked, they had a place together. Until one week he didn't come home at the weekend because he was marrying his other fiancé. He never came home again. So cruel and no need for it.

I'd do some digging, see what I can find out online. And I'd tell her. If I couldn't find out I'd definitely tell her of my suspicions. She deserves better.