Bullying and mumsnet

[hattiecattie]

I'm a long time lurker since I had my DD 8 years ago. I have noticed since the first day I joined mumsnet that there is a huge bullying culture here that takes place. I have witnessed so many pile ons happen to desperate people asking for help. Even if you don't agree with someone, there's no need to be cruel.

I wonder if there's a way that MNHQ can challenge this? Shut down bullying on this site as soon as it occurs.

I read these boards for years before joining, people have FB groups and spreadsheets about other posters.

wotchhha I could, bu5 fo4 all its faults, Aibu does tend to give you a kick up the bum if you need one by giving both sides of the argument, and if done in a constructive way, is useful. No one wants to post in an echo chamber. It’s good to get different perspectives, even if that’s fedback to you in a brutal way, but you don’t want to get nasty confrontational comments just to be a verbal punchbag for someone who has gotten out the wrong side of bed that particular day, which does happen on Aibu.

Been on mumsnet for 6 years and at times it reminds me of a bitchy all girls boarding school. Rife with women pulling other women down. Straight in with nasty unnecessary comments with no thought to how it might make the person its directed to feel. I'm on a few fourms and have lurked on many over the years but mumsnet it's by far the harshest. And no its not good or something to be celebrated.
It stops me from posting at times and I usually take a break from reading because I find it so depressing.
But theres some really nice people too and it's full of good information and people who know their stuff so theres definitely two sides. I just wish people would think before they post, its almost like a competition on who can be the meanest at times..

*waits for posters to come along and ask why I'm here anyway and why did I bother posting if thats how I feel.

@PostLockdownLife

I read these boards for years before joining, people have FB groups and spreadsheets about other posters.

Seriously? What sort of spreadsheets?

I totally agree.

The amount of posts I have put up genuinely asking for help and people have ripped me to shreds on some of them.

I have to unwatch my own posts as I know it will upset me to read deliberately nasty comments.

I think people should be reported and banned immediately if they are intentionally horrible.

@tuttifuckinfruity

I was Googling an issue yesterday and ended up on a MN thread from 2004.

The tone was markedly different. People only replied if they had something of value to say to OP. Nobody was cheeky, nobody pulled everything apart looking for holes in the story, nobody criticised spelling or grammar, nobody detailed the thread making it all about them with some incredibly tenuous link to the OP's issue. It was generally a much more civilised place.

I get the impression these days that a lot of people use MN (particularly AIBU) as an outlet for their frustration and just behave horribly towards others. I don't think a lot of these posters would dare to behave that way in real life.

But back in 2004 this was a very, very different site. I joined 2 years later, and my MN registration number is around 59,000. So two years previously it would have been even smaller! When I joined, the tone was very different mainly because you got to know people - there was a lot less name-changing as well. And it's definitely true that when you feel you know someone, you are more considerate about what you post - so disagreements were more civilised.

Seriously? What sort of spreadsheets?

I don't know I never joined the FB groups. This was a very long time ago when people set these groups up. I don't see any of the names posting anymore, they may have name changed.

@RockingMyFiftiesNot I totally agree that people should be driven off AIBU it was more a suggestion for those who still wanted advice but were apprehensive

Definitely agree 100%. When I was a few weeks post natal my mental health was all over the place and we were staying with MIL and FIL. Unfortunately, they were making it so much worse by essentially judging me and making it about them.

I wrote a thread on here about it (one of my first ever posts), and the Mumsnetters didn't fail to make me feel 10x worse, telling me that they felt sorry for my MIL and FIL because they had to live with a mentally ill person.

I'm not sure it's the individual posts that are the issue, it's the pile on that happens when someone posts something nasty. Many Mumsnet posters are like sheep, devoid of any critical thinking skills or empathy. If someone posts something nasty then they rub their hands in glee at the thought of agreeing, but hiding behond the original nastyness.

@Buffaloskull

Been on mumsnet for 6 years and at times it reminds me of a bitchy all girls boarding school. Rife with women pulling other women down. Straight in with nasty unnecessary comments with no thought to how it might make the person its directed to feel. I'm on a few fourms and have lurked on many over the years but mumsnet it's by far the harshest. And no its not good or something to be celebrated. It stops me from posting at times and I usually take a break from reading because I find it so depressing. But theres some really nice people too and it's full of good information and people who know their stuff so theres definitely two sides. I just wish people would think before they post, its almost like a competition on who can be the meanest at times..

*waits for posters to come along and ask why I'm here anyway and why did I bother posting if thats how I feel.

I went to a horribly bitchy, toxic, private all girls’ school. The actually bullying that went on was downright evil and there was a very particular mentality the girls had to have to fit in and become popular. Thankfully, it pretty much destroyed itself and is long gone now, although some Old Girls still look back on it ever so fondly and haven’t much moved on in their friendship circles, even 40 years later in some cases. Still sneering and bitching at anyone who doesn’t fit the mode.

On first joining MN, a couple of posters whose bullying comments never get deleted, I had the thought, “gosh, it’s just like being back at x school”.

Imagine my surprise a few years back when I got an invite from the Alumni association of that awful school to a reunion where the head speaker would be an Old Girl who...is one of the founders of Mumsnet.

Explained everything.

I totally agree with you with the bullying. Iv been on the receiving end of some vile people on here in the past. People twisting things and adding words to whatever you say. But I might add, there are some people on here who deliberate add threads that know full well that it will cause arguments, then sit back and watch it unfold.

seriously? people have spreadsheets about users??

I wrote a thread on here about it (one of my first ever posts), and the Mumsnetters didn't fail to make me feel 10x worse, telling me that they felt sorry for my MIL and FIL

I recall many years ago a woman being fearful of attending hospital for brain surgery, some plate had to be inserted, she had that type of response from people because the types of posts she made due to the brain injury, it was all fun for them and her life.

seriously? people have spreadsheets about users??

That's what they posted many years ago, they had a FB group and worked on them together.

AIBU is a bit harsh but people insist on posting for traffic about things that would be better suited to other boards. I don't have a lot of sympathy for those people.

FWIW I have always found MNHQ impressively quick to respond to reports given how big and busy the site is.

@PostLockdownLife

seriously? people have spreadsheets about users??

That's what they posted many years ago, they had a FB group and worked on them together.

Thats actually hilarious, in a weird sinister kind of way

Thats actually hilarious, in a weird sinister kind of way

Maybe it was a joke, I didn't attempt to join the FB group, they sounded like a political party working group.

@PostLockdownLife

Thats actually hilarious, in a weird sinister kind of way

Maybe it was a joke, I didn't attempt to join the FB group, they sounded like a political party working group.

I'm fairly sure that the whole keeping spreadsheets thing is just a long-running joke!

@Sandgrown1970 that's a pretty specific accusation you're making there - might also be construed as a personal attack.

@FlangeModerator

I posted here some time ago under a different account. The thread turned nasty against me and I was called names. I was pregnant at the time and I asked Mumsnet to take it down as it was affecting me mentally.

They refused. I don’t get why.

I deleted my account and stayed away for a while then but returned when I had a parenting question.

Mumsnet can and do collude with the bullying. Once somebody outed me by naming my children and mumsnet refused to delete all my posts. I name change every ten minutes now. I do not trust mumsnet to help in a crisis. They have done it for big names though. And one woman who is well known. I wont name her but she had all her posts removed by mn. They did it for her! But not for an ordinary joe. So i post here but i would never become a known name iykwim you have to look after yourself here. On the rare occasion ive posted asking for advice ive been accused of being a bad mother, putting men first, nothing could be further from the truth. 14 years single pretty much, one relationship which my then 17 year old would not accept and the "advice" I got, wow, it was so nasty and smug.

I remember wondering why the moldies didnt want me!!

I feel sorry for the person i was back then.

As if anybody with a life and a job or a passion or a vocation would be making spreadsheets of who to include and who to exclude!

@Sparklingbrook

It feels like you're essentially saying that if the first 50 posts all agree; then this is a sealed consensus . Anything posted after that has to be a sock puppet because hey! All the regular Mumsnetters have passed their verdict, and anyone in support of the OP must be a digital clone of the OP

No I don't think that. I will just think that's probably a sock, I might ask MNHQ if it is, but more often than not it's just a fleeting thought and that's it. Fortunately other Mumsnetters can't report my internal thoughts.

Maybe now's the time to start exercising a bit of critical thinking and consider whether those going against the tide might actually be 100% genuine and might have a point?

I've had threads where someone has decided to misinterpret what I've said for the sake of attacking me. It's an extraordinary thing how one misunderstanding or misrepresentation of the facts can gain traction so no-one realises that it's without any foundation in the OP's posts. Fortunately I'm pretty robust and positively enjoy pointing out exactly what they've done so they end up looking malicious/idiotic or whatever, but not everyone can. When this disagreeing with the bullies get attacked as sock puppets it just compounds the problem.

[quote BIWI]@Sandgrown1970 that's a pretty specific accusation you're making there - might also be construed as a personal attack.[/quote]
I’ll probably be deleted. Cant say I care much to be frank.

Completely agree that there is a lot of bullying on here. Also agree with others that we have to be more robust about reporting it. There was a lot of bullying of one commenter on the Over £70k thread and I've actually just gone back through and reporting 15/20 comments, so we shall see if it makes a difference.

AIBU is particularly unpleasant with it, so many posters using "robust" as a cover for tormenting people. Often a few people get a bit nasty and then everyone piles on. I do try and challenge it when I think the OP is getting an unfair kicking, and even when I think someone is being unreasonable I try to be fair and understanding and explain why I think what I do. Rather than the whole: "are you insane, of course YABU and you sound like you're sniffing glue" brigade - which helps no one.

I also think the step-parenting board is rife with bullying - often from people who aren't stepparents. (Especially with all the: ARE YOU THE OW shouting even when someone has explained their not. And also the: THOSE POOR CHILDREN, YOU ARE A MONSTER lot).

Covid threads are awful for it too.