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AIBU?

Bullying and mumsnet

228 replies

hattiecattie · 09/05/2021 21:16

I'm a long time lurker since I had my DD 8 years ago. I have noticed since the first day I joined mumsnet that there is a huge bullying culture here that takes place. I have witnessed so many pile ons happen to desperate people asking for help. Even if you don't agree with someone, there's no need to be cruel.

I wonder if there's a way that MNHQ can challenge this? Shut down bullying on this site as soon as it occurs.

OP posts:

Report

Hughbert · 09/05/2021 22:11

There are a couple of boards where it can kick off and sometimes the tone from some is quite unpleasant which often spreads through subsequent posts by others. However, a foray into Style and Beauty, the weightloss boards, Food and Drink... posters are kind, helpful and knowledgeable. There is life outside active conversations and AIBU and it's quite nice actually.

Doghead · 09/05/2021 22:11

It isn't bullying to have a different opinion to the poster

ghostyslovesheets · 09/05/2021 22:13

@Sparklingbrook

There's a 'pile on' and then there's everyone disagreeing with the OP because they are BU. Just because the majority of posters agree on something doesn't make it a 'pile on'.

exactly

hattiecattie · 09/05/2021 22:13

@Doghead you're absolutely correct and differing opinions is not what I am speaking about here, I am speaking about nastiness and outright bullying.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 22:14

I doubt anyone wants this site to be fully moderated (even though it seems sometimes that many want it to be like every single other site). So if you see what you perceive to be bullying you need to report it, same as it's always been.
Unless it's reported they aren't going to know about it.

AnonGlitterBomb · 09/05/2021 22:14

I agree
I’ve considered deleting my account several times (over threads that aren’t even my own) because it can be such a negative space at times.
But, I think you have to pick and choose your threads. There are some really lovely and supportive ones on here mainly away from AIBU

ghostyslovesheets · 09/05/2021 22:14

@Drunkenmonkey

I agree that there is a bullying culture. The 'piling on' that happens is basically keyboard warriors who are probably very insecure in real life getting their kicks on an online forum, but it can be hideous to witness.

and this - in and of it's self could be seen as 'unkind' because people disagree they must be 'insecure' and 'getting their kicks' - that's really quiet dismissive and bullying in it's self really!

opentheclose · 09/05/2021 22:15

Tbf sparkling quite a few are very adept at just staying within the talk guidelines while being absolutely awful.

Shitfuckcommaetc · 09/05/2021 22:15

It's the picking apart of posts I don't like, every minute detail of every post written EVER. To try and catch someone out in a lie. Why?? It's the Internet, if you don't think it's real fine, but just leave it at that!!
This place is full of wannabe bloody sherlocks

ToodleSquat · 09/05/2021 22:15

@SnarkyBag

I think rather than #bekind it’s more a case of #dontbeacunt

Yes!! Some of the comments, mainly on AIBU, are savage. And you can bully an anonymous stranger. I do report some comments that are particularly nasty but by all accounts nasty comments are pretty standard.

romdowa · 09/05/2021 22:16

The people who are consistently nasty are just bitter and sad sitting at home living their lives through social media. They probably wouldn't say boo to a person in real life.

sst1234 · 09/05/2021 22:17

Vehement disagreement is not bullying. If you don’t like being told you are unreasonable, don’t post on this board.
Of course there are some outliers and examples of poor behavior, but in the main it’s blunt conversation. What’s more disrespectful is the finger wagging from some posters telling others to be kind, as though it’s the headmistress telling off naughty schoolgirls rather than conversing with adults.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 22:21

@opentheclose

Tbf sparkling quite a few are very adept at just staying within the talk guidelines while being absolutely awful.

It's down to MNHQ to decide what breaks Talk Guidelines. That's never changed.

opentheclose · 09/05/2021 22:21

It’s obviously not bullying to tell someone, even robustly they are BU.

So ‘AIBU to leave my job? Dp earns enough and blah blah ...’ it isn’t bullying to say i think that would be really unwise. If you aren’t married, you could be in a vulnerable position and tbh I think it would be criminally stupid

But ‘YABU. You sound lazy. Get a job’ is just rude and not constructive or robust disagreement, it’s just being an arse.

SelkieBe · 09/05/2021 22:22

People can disagree with respect for themselves and for the other poster and you do see that too! But these low self-esteem ''I can hand you your arse on a plate'' merchants are just honing their sanctimony and practicing their warfare.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 22:24

@hattiecattie you say I wonder if there's a way that MNHQ can challenge this? Shut down bullying on this site as soon as it occurs

How do you propose they do that?

Washyourtoes · 09/05/2021 22:25

I agree with you. I made the mistake to post in AIBU for advice and what that achieved was to drain the last bit of self-worth I had. I was sitting in front of the computer and was just sobbing but could not stop myself from reading more and more of the posts telling me that I am essentially the worst human ever. It’s meant I’ve been too scared to speak to anyone in real life about what’s happened and just feel alone. It’s like I am not actually a real person. Many of the posters telling me how despicable I am didn’t even actually seem to have read my post. But I guess better have a bunch of online strangers hate you than make the mistake of asking for help in real life - what if the same thing happens?

Drunkenmonkey · 09/05/2021 22:25

@ghostyslovesheets I'm not talking about 'disagreeing' I love a good debate, it's what makes Mumsnet a great forum. I'm talking about piling on and bullying. It's the tone people can take, occasionally extreme snobbery and in-jokes at the OPs expense, it's hideous.

lachy · 09/05/2021 22:28

I've been here for years and lurk on a lot of boards where posters are kind, helpful and very considerate. AIBU is its own beast and invites a range of views but its only one out of a load of boards.

If you spot bullying then report it, but a difference of opinion isn't necessarily bullying.

ConfusedBear · 09/05/2021 22:32

A like function would mean that posters didn't need to post themselves to be involved in a thread. That could reduce some of the pile ons.

GonnaBeYoniThisChristmas · 09/05/2021 22:32

Yeah, I think you’re not far off the mark OP.

It’s very much a matter of taste. There is a definite Mumsnet narrative as to how you “should” go about things (LTB, state schools of course (OFSTED outstanding), no spelling or grammatical errors, “no is a complete sentence”, never forgive an affair, cook from scratch, Boden not Botox etc).

You will see those that stray outside this narrative, even with some small detail, like perhaps a trip to - gasp - a nail bar - will get piled on.

It’s not always super tangible, but it’s there on most threads that last more than a handful of posts.

WellLarDeDar · 09/05/2021 22:33

I have to agree there is a massive culture of twisting people's words, elaborating and assuming the worst and accusing posters of things they've never said, meant or done. Sometimes it's as if some are just out looking for a fight and try to turn everything into a battle. Shame MN doesn't police it more because I've definitely seen some blatant baiting.

Cam2020 · 09/05/2021 22:34

I think rather than #bekind it’s more a case of #dontbeacunt

Absolutely!

Aibu is the worst place for it, nowhere else is so nasty. Not only do people twist others' to suit their own nasty little narrative, they don't bother to read half the words that are written for the same purpose.

GonnaBeYoniThisChristmas · 09/05/2021 22:34

But you know that is AIBU which is all about random life shit which reveals small but telling details about people. Go on the food / weight loss / knitting threads and there’s much less space for judgement.

Vursayles · 09/05/2021 22:41

There was a recent thread where someone in need posted out of sheer desperation, and got nothing but a load of abuse from posters. Her behaviour in the described situation was unacceptable, but the poor woman was obviously crying out for help and a victim in her own right. All the scorn heaped upon her on here made my blood run cold. I still think of her and wonder if she ever got the help she so desperately needed.

A lot of good stuff on here, but also a lot of unnecessary nastiness.

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