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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Bullying and mumsnet

228 replies

hattiecattie · 09/05/2021 21:16

I'm a long time lurker since I had my DD 8 years ago. I have noticed since the first day I joined mumsnet that there is a huge bullying culture here that takes place. I have witnessed so many pile ons happen to desperate people asking for help. Even if you don't agree with someone, there's no need to be cruel.

I wonder if there's a way that MNHQ can challenge this? Shut down bullying on this site as soon as it occurs.

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 09/05/2021 21:19

The site is too huge now I think to moderate and relies on multiple people reporting posts.

I’ve been here 15 years it wasn’t always like this. I think getting rid of AIBU altogether would be a good start as it just attracts nastiness

funnylittlefloozie · 09/05/2021 21:20

Why not just ask MNHQ about this? For what it's worth, I don't often see what I'd describe as bullying, with the notable exception of the poor young black girl recently. I see a lot of pile-ons, but I wouldn't call that bullying as such - maybe others would.

Original poster
hattiecattie · 09/05/2021 21:20

@funnylittlefloozie what thread was that?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 09/05/2021 21:22

I wouldn’t say it’s bullying. Posters are often handed their arse on a plate and threads can sometimes turn a bit horrible in places but not sure it’s possible to bully an anonymous stranger

As a general life rule I think if someone is upsetting you on an Internet forum then it’s time for you to step away

VettiyaIruken · 09/05/2021 21:39

Click the report button whenever you see it.

Bettysnow · 09/05/2021 21:46

I have often thought this. A couple of times words i have said have been twisted to suit someone else's nasty narrative although challenging them usually puts a stop to their gallop!
Likely these opinionated people wouldn't say boo to a goose in real life. Much easier to create an alter ego online but i agree have seen a few threads in the past where the pack mentality got particularly vicious. In fairness to the mumsnet moderators they were taken down although i imagine the op was feeling horrendous by then.

sunshinesontv · 09/05/2021 21:46

It's not bullying but we're all responsible for reporting anything that isn't within the rules or the spirit of the site.

You only really see it on AIBU so easy to avoid. Posters asking AIBU are often surprised by a resounding yes.

TheRavenNevermore · 09/05/2021 21:47

So you've witnessed ongoing and noteworthy bullying for 8 years and never reported it? Ok then. Hmm

What really happened OP? Did you get your arse handed to you and a thread deleted?

Ginuwine · 09/05/2021 21:47

@hattiecattie

I'm a long time lurker since I had my DD 8 years ago. I have noticed since the first day I joined mumsnet that there is a huge bullying culture here that takes place. I have witnessed so many pile ons happen to desperate people asking for help. Even if you don't agree with someone, there's no need to be cruel.

I wonder if there's a way that MNHQ can challenge this? Shut down bullying on this site as soon as it occurs.

I 100% agree with your post.

I also think you should know however that a lot of Mumsnet users on AIBU use an unspoken culture of "robustness" or "handing someone's arse to them on a plate" as a cover for vindictiveness and insults.

The number of times a person who has come on, posted something genuinely vulnerable (domestic violence, being cheated on by a man) and been told

• are you sniffing glue?

• You didn't say that in your first post therefore everything else is invalid

• That can't have happened because it never happened to me therefore it automatically must be far fetched

• I actually want to discredit everything you just said to make you squirm and feel uncomfortable therefore I'll call you a liar by saying "this must be a reverse"

A great deal of AIBU is long time posters waiting for an OP to make a spelling or fact mistake. The rest of the posts are then people pointing out that error with glee and sticking the verbal boot in.

I feel for anyone who has a genuine dilemna but then the culture here is "it's a nest of cherry vipers" or "don't post if you don't want to hear the contrary" so you can't win @hattiecattie for stating this.

endofthelinefinally · 09/05/2021 21:51

Just don't post on AIBU.
All the other boards are fine IME.

Littlepaws18 · 09/05/2021 21:52

I think there is a lack of empathy on here, and a quickness to judge. On the few occasions I've posted for advice it's not been an easy read or very proactive advice. Phrasing of help also, the advice might be relevant but manners go out the window. It definitely isn't a place where I would ask for advice anymore.

opentheclose · 09/05/2021 21:52

The covid board is pretty bad.

AutoIncorrect · 09/05/2021 21:57

The only kindness I see on here is when a poster is suffering bereavement, everyone is so kind and lovely. Anything else the claws and daggers come out. It’s pathetic.

Coldties · 09/05/2021 21:58

I remember having PND really struggling with my relationship with my mum and posting about just needing someone to help every so often so I could maybe have a break with DH (nothing major just both leave the house and have a coffee for an hour) and I was absolutely slatted. All the comments called me selfish / I chose to have a baby / it’s no ones elses responsibility etc

It honestly made me feel so much worse and sent my PND out of control as I felt like I had failed, I couldn’t cope with my baby and all I wanted was 30mins alone. My baby didn’t sleep and I felt so hopeless.

So yeah I think you are right, I think people jump on others without really thinking there is a person actually asking for advice or help / reading between the lines.

sst1234 · 09/05/2021 22:03

Is this one of those ‘be kind’ type things. Where people don’t like being challenged. More often than not, someone asks if they are being unreasonable, everyone tells them they are and they do not accept it and then accuse everyone of a pile on.

Turkishangora · 09/05/2021 22:04

YANBU, you have to be really careful what you reveal about your identity as well ie profession etc. Otherwise you can get veiled and direct threats. I've learnt from experience that anything to do with work unless it's VERY general stays private. Otherwise you can get a really very vitriolic pile on.

SnarkyBag · 09/05/2021 22:04

I think rather than #bekind it’s more a case of #dontbeacunt

mummysharkk · 09/05/2021 22:07

I only joined this as I swapped phones and the app for the other forum will point blank not open and I can't access on google etc!

I have 100% noticed this, it's like there are a bunch of angry people who want to make others feel bad which is so sad.

Yesterday a lady mentioned her sons name and posters were saying things like 'you called your baby that, really?'/ it's an awful name. Why not just move on rather than take the time to send a cruel message.

Makes me wonder as I am writing this if these posters have real friends or would even say things like this irl to people. Or if friends can't stand them but keep them sweet so they are not the next victim etc.

endofthelinefinally · 09/05/2021 22:07

I have seen wonderful support on the relationships board, employment, legal, money, parenting. To be fair, I avoid anything to do with covid.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 22:07

@sst1234

Is this one of those ‘be kind’ type things. Where people don’t like being challenged. More often than not, someone asks if they are being unreasonable, everyone tells them they are and they do not accept it and then accuse everyone of a pile on.
Exactly.

Not sure this is even an AIBU TBF, more Site Stuff if @hattiecattie wants to ask MNHQ about it all.

SelkieBe · 09/05/2021 22:08

I agree, pile ons are too common, but it's not even regulars. It's just bored people sitting at home feeling unimportant thinking, oh, I'll tear her down at the knees!

If the first few people on a thread aren't trying to make themselves feel important by being a bitch then that really shapes how the thread will go.

If the first few posts are from bored people who enjoy being unpleasant then the thread will go in a different direction.

RevolvingPivot · 09/05/2021 22:10

I have an issue I need help with. I've posted lots about it over the years under a different name.

When ever I mention it I get:
Cool story bro. Yes that happened. Are you on glue. Just because people can't relate they think I'm making it up. To be honest I'd probably think the same. So I can't post about it.

ghostyslovesheets · 09/05/2021 22:11

I don;t see huge amounts of bullying - Bullying is far to strong a word - I see people giving and honest options, I see people giving and answer to AIBU? I see some posters getting upset or twatty if people don't agree with them and I see some posters looking for a fight

If you genuinely see bullying - report it - might be more effective than posting on AIBU moaning?

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 22:11

There's a 'pile on' and then there's everyone disagreeing with the OP because they are BU. Just because the majority of posters agree on something doesn't make it a 'pile on'.

Drunkenmonkey · 09/05/2021 22:11

I agree that there is a bullying culture. The 'piling on' that happens is basically keyboard warriors who are probably very insecure in real life getting their kicks on an online forum, but it can be hideous to witness.