Bullying and mumsnet

[hattiecattie]

I'm a long time lurker since I had my DD 8 years ago. I have noticed since the first day I joined mumsnet that there is a huge bullying culture here that takes place. I have witnessed so many pile ons happen to desperate people asking for help. Even if you don't agree with someone, there's no need to be cruel.

I wonder if there's a way that MNHQ can challenge this? Shut down bullying on this site as soon as it occurs.

I have noticed that sometimes a person will come with a sincere problem and some responders will pounce on something trivial -- like a spelling or grammar error, or using the politically incorrect term for something, i.e. birth mother and her question is ignored while her usage is torn to pieces.

100% agree @hattiecattie

Some posters are nice and helpful and sympathetic on here, but there is a hardcore of 'mean girls' who just live to be spiteful and catty and contrary, and LOVE to argue. It's the same ones every time too.

Sometimes I give as good as I get, and sometimes I can't be arsed to play their little games. One thing I never do though, is let them get to me. They are nothing to me, and I don't give a shit about their opinions.

Seriously, I have been on message forums for 20 years, and I am hardened to them. I eat people like them for breakfast. Some people aren't so tough though, and get very upset, and eaten alive.

Most people never start a thread about a personal problem under their regular username though. Because they know they will get torn apart.

@ConfusedBear

A like function would mean that posters didn't need to post themselves to be involved in a thread. That could reduce some of the pile ons.

I wouldn't think of pressing a button as being 'involved'. It's MN Talk which means use words and talk about stuff. If there is to be a like button there should also be a dislike button. Just like the Daily Mail comments section. Perfect.

One thing I never do though, is let them get to me. They are nothing to me, and I don't give a shit about their opinions

Exactly. if I cared what anyone thought I'd never post a thing. it's just a Talk forum on the internet. People you don't know and you'll never meet why care what they think?

@Ginuwine

I 100% agree with your post.

I also think you should know however that a lot of Mumsnet users on AIBU use an unspoken culture of "robustness" or "handing someone's arse to them on a plate" as a cover for vindictiveness and insults.

The number of times a person who has come on, posted something genuinely vulnerable (domestic violence, being cheated on by a man) and been told

• are you sniffing glue?

• You didn't say that in your first post therefore everything else is invalid

• That can't have happened because it never happened to me therefore it automatically must be far fetched

• I actually want to discredit everything you just said to make you squirm and feel uncomfortable therefore I'll call you a liar by saying "this must be a reverse"

A great deal of AIBU is long time posters waiting for an OP to make a spelling or fact mistake. The rest of the posts are then people pointing out that error with glee and sticking the verbal boot in.

Yup this happened to me a few years ago. My partner at the time cheated on me in the next room, and it was the early hours of the morning. I was up late/early working and posted on MN for moral support and the responses initially were really kind and mobilising. Then at some point in the day I had to get out of the house to clear my head and decided to try and cheer myself up with shopping and a nice meal (a very rare treat, and it fell on pay day) When I came back in the afternoon the thread had ‘turned’ and posters started accusing me of being a journalist, taking the piss out of what I had for lunch, complaining that I was rude and it must be BS as I hadn’t updated them in a few hours, etc. etc. At the time I was trying to keep it together and keep my resolve to chuck him out, put a brave face on, not get totally derailed by it all, etc. and I can see how for many it could actually be a real kick in the guts to have previously supportive posters start picking apart every response they put, sneering, encouraging others to pile on, etc.

Obviously I just moved on but was struck by the bizarreness of it. You see it all the time – some over-invested posters smell blood and the mood turns. Obviously it serves a need for the people getting themselves into a frenzy. Some sort of outlet?

I agree OP. Insulting people is not ok (you're mean, you're lazy, you sound like a nightmare, I feel sorry for your kids etc) butbis rife on mumsnet. I've reported things which I think are bullying (usually towards others) and they're not taken off as unless it's libellous or illegal MN don't care. I think best just stay away from those posters though as they are not interested in whether they're harming others.

I think the worst type of posters are the ones that tell people they shouldn’t have had children. I’ve been told it because my daughter goes to nursery three mornings a week aged 9 months and also because my husband is in the armed forces. It’s an unnecessarily cruel thing to say to people. Luckily I think I am perfectly happy with my choices but people struggling with PND might have a harder time.

@Sparklingbrook

There's a 'pile on' and then there's everyone disagreeing with the OP because they are BU. Just because the majority of posters agree on something doesn't make it a 'pile on'.

Yes I agree with that.

People will have their say (which is the whole point of a chat forum) whether the previous posters have all said exactly the same thing or not.

That doesn't make it a 'pile on', it just means a lot of people feel the same.

Having said that, some people are just downright nasty for the sake of it and I think the ease of name changing enables that.

On forums where you're only allowed one name, really nasty people tend to get ignored so they have to rein it in.

There does tend to be a lot of posting in AIBU, being told they are BU then some sort of surprise when posters say they are indeed BU. When you ask the AIBU question you are inviting opinions and you aren't going to like them all.

Chat is sometimes a better topic to post in . But whenever posting in another topic is suggested then there's cries of 'ooh who made you the thread police?' and the like. Everyone knows you get the most attention in AIBU so...

I had Mumsnetters jump on me when someone asked whether or not she should get checked out after a fall in pregnancy. All I said was if it was me I would do, I had an accident during my pregnancy but because it was so minor I just assumed everything was ok so didn't go get checked out then lost the Baby that night. I was called insensitive and harsh yet I was the one who was bullying by telling my story. At the time it was also the anniversary of our Baby's death so those posters really affected me for a long time

I've read a number of threads where the OP has been jumped on for no good reason. Aibu is like the Coliseum: it attracts people who are angry/bored/malicious and need someone to kick. My first post was in aibu and i had a few nasty comments so i name changed afterwards.

Mumsnet is huge so it must be a nightmare trying to moderate this activity. It's sad that internet forums designed to be supportive/informative/fun can turn so unpleasant.

People just aren't as nice as they used to be. It's pretty easy to realise this. My eldest is 19. I've been on MN a looong time (under various names) and it's funny to go back to threads from like 2007 and see how differently people responded to each other's posts back then. There was more dialogue and posters tended to respond with kindness, empathy, and humour. And you could have a moan or a rant without being made to feel badly about it. I notice now that we're all pretty much in our own little echo chambers, myself included. Even I've changed!
There's still, all in all, really good support here and some very interesting posters for sure. But it's true that on MN at least, the theory of group mind is practically a living organism.

It would be better all round if everyone took a breath and a pause and only posted comments they would be prepared to make face to face. There’s something about creating an online persona which makes a few people progressively more unfiltered and rude. It really lowers the tone of any discussion.

On another note, I am new to this and am at sea about all the acronyms used. Does anyone have time to post a handy guide to the most commonly used short forms, please?

HopingForOurRainbowBaby

That's just bloody awful, Hoping. You lived out the worst nightmare, lost your baby, shared this story here on MN and got called insensitive. That's the shit I can't handle on MN. There's so much of that now. This ganging up on posters like you, who've actually experienced life at its worst and yet, you get no sympathy, no compassion, but bullied. That's just horrible.

I got the same thing a couple of weeks back. My brother was clinically vulnerable- very vulnerable. He is one of those rare, sad cases: He died after receiving the covid vaccine. When I shared this on MN, I was accused of using this story to push an agenda. You couldn't make it up. I think some people with sociopathic tendencies cannot cope with stories where really sad shit happens to normal people. So they're way of dealing with it is to almost come at you and make you the problem. Bullies are afraid... of everything. They rage against the world because they can't face life's realities. And they're bastards, to put it bluntly.

@Sheena1066

It would be better all round if everyone took a breath and a pause and only posted comments they would be prepared to make face to face. There’s something about creating an online persona which makes a few people progressively more unfiltered and rude. It really lowers the tone of any discussion.

On another note, I am new to this and am at sea about all the acronyms used. Does anyone have time to post a handy guide to the most commonly used short forms, please?

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

Often AIBU is fine but you need to stay away from certain topics eg struggling despite a high income, wanting gps to help with dc, criticising social media posting, reporting benefit cheats etc as for some reason these "trigger" posters way much more than what's your holiday budget or my colleague annoys me.

Then you do have posters that chat shit but don't like to be told so

The only time I ever felt like it was bullying were those dozens of teacher/covid threads. If any poster dare say anything against the narrative 5 other posters would jump down their throat. I found those threads really odd.

So they're way of dealing with it... oh dear. That should read 'their way'.

@HopingForOurRainbowBaby & @TheVanguardSix I'm really sorry.

@TheVanguardSix thank you. I'm sorry for the loss of your Brother too

@wotchhha thank you

I have made posts where people have called me a liar and had the thread deleted when I was telling the truth. There are some thing you just can't argue with.

I have been jumped on for saying what i think and when I have answered back the posts have been reported.

i would never join in on those bullying threads but i do say what i think is right or what is the point of being here?

Some people just don't read threads and jump in asking questions that have already been answered, and I believe some people deliberately misread a post just to be nasty.
I do think you have to have a thick skin and remember it is not real life on here although sometimes it feels like it :(

When I first joined Mumsnet I found it a supportive place now I hardly ever post and actually have thought of posting the same thread as it has become so nasty but I think this is true of most social media now sadly.
I did think of posting asking if there is such thing as a nicer forum/site but know exactly how that thread would go on here but if anyone knows of anyone please post.

I do think there is bullying and not just on AIBU and Mumsnet really need to do more as it seems that gives the ok to the nasty threads to stay up or the pile ons which makes people think it's acceptable to post nasty comments.

I agree. I don't post on here any more if I need advice as most of the time it just makes you feel worse.
One of the "lesser" unkind things that was said to me on here...
I'd been taking the pill 100% correctly but my period was a week late which was really unusual. Took a pregnancy test as my GP advised and to our total shock it was positive. After the shock had calmed down a bit my fiancé and I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy as this would be his first (and only) baby. Sadly I then miscarried and was pretty unwell as a result (prolonged heavy bleeding etc).
I was told I was a liar because I must not have been on the pill, and asked why I wasn't "happy" I had miscarried if the baby was unplanned.
This is by far not the worst thing to have been said to me on MN btw...

Some threads can be nasty and heated, and there is some bullying. But it wouldn't be bullying if the majority disagrees with the original poster and says it in a decent way. It's the words that come across, tone is something that can't be written easily so that is in the mind of the reader and how they interpret it.

@anon12345678901

Some threads can be nasty and heated, and there is some bullying. But it wouldn't be bullying if the majority disagrees with the original poster and says it in a decent way. It's the words that come across, tone is something that can't be written easily so that is in the mind of the reader and how they interpret it.

Hmm.

There's a clear difference between someone explaining to an OP their position (and it being contrary to the OP's view) and abuse.

I don't think there's any interpretation issues around

"Are you sniffing glue?"
"ODFOD"
"You need to drive straight to a psychiatrist"

Etc etc.

That's just abusive but because it's worded in a way that's familiar to Mumsnetters, it's become normalised in exchanges on here.

It's dismaying that lots of posters are confusing the right for lots of folk to constructively disagree with an OP (that's fair) with the right to verbally abuse the OP, question their sanity etc.