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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Normal curfew for 16 year-old girl? Who is BU?

170 replies

outnumberedbycats · 09/05/2021 18:19

WIBU? DD is 16 and has had a boyfriend for a few months (he’s in the Lower 6th, she’s in Year 11). She’s mainly been seeing him in school due to the ongoing replacement GCSEs, but she’s fine with this as she understands she’s needed to focus on revision. The boy has been to our house a few times and seems fine so far.

When the exams finish next week there is a group of them planning to hang out in a local park (not a lonely one, it’s Hyde Park), to celebrate various birthdays and end of exams etc. The boyfriend will be there. DH has told the boyfriend that he wants DD brought home by 9.30pm. The BF has agreed, but DD is saying they will all be there until later and this is embarrassing for her. She is complaining to me (as usual) to persuade DH to let her be out later.

What time would you expect a 16 year-old girl home by if she was out in a park with her boyfriend (even though it’s a group thing)?

OP posts:
CovidSmart · 09/05/2021 20:18

Someone needs to accept his little girl isn’t so little anymore

IEat · 09/05/2021 20:19

I was 28, had a young child worked full time and was told by my mother I had to be home by 8.30pm when I went on the very first date with a man I worked with. I still fucking cringe didn’t tell her to fuck off but had zero option back then as she baby sat ... thank god I’m my own person now and got away from the spiteful, cruel woman

CovidSmart · 09/05/2021 20:20

And putting the responsibility of her safety on her bf is crap

Crap for her because he is telling her he doesn’t trust her, she can’t look after herself and needs someone to look after her.
Crap for the bf too.

MinesAPintOfTea · 09/05/2021 20:26

Doesn’t Hyde Park close at dark, and police remove anyone at that point (did when I was a student anyway). In that case I’d like to know where they will go to when the park shuts.

And DH is being very unreasonable to tell her bf rather than discuss appropriate boundaries with your DD. She is not his property.

Personally I did normally have to be home at 9:30 at that age... because none of us could drive and that was the last train to my village.

chocolateoranges33 · 09/05/2021 20:34

My DS is the same age and is out most weekends now with his mates but stays local. He has no curfew but has to contact me around 10 to let me know where he is and roughly what time he'll be back. I trust him, we talk openly about what he's doing, who with etc. I also give him a few ciders every so often (generally brings at least half of them back). I think your DH is extremely unreasonable and your DD will end up rebelling. At her age, going out with people you know and seem to be 'good kids', I don't think she should have a curfew.

She's right that coming home at 9.30 will be extremely embarrassing. I think your DH needs to relax and let her go out.

KurtWilde · 09/05/2021 21:08

@IEat

I was 28, had a young child worked full time and was told by my mother I had to be home by 8.30pm when I went on the very first date with a man I worked with. I still fucking cringe didn’t tell her to fuck off but had zero option back then as she baby sat ... thank god I’m my own person now and got away from the spiteful, cruel woman
Yeah my DM put a curfew on my first date after having DC and splitting with their dad. I died a little bit having to tell him I needed to be home for 9.
daisypond · 09/05/2021 21:10

Doesn’t Hyde Park close at dark, and police remove anyone at that point (did when I was a student anyway). In that case I’d like to know where they will go to when the park shuts.

No, it’s open 5am till midnight all year.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 09/05/2021 21:12

9.30 is way too early, then again my parents let me go to Los Angeles for a week with my boyfriend when we were 16 to celebrate finishing GCSEs.

MinesAPintOfTea · 09/05/2021 22:17

@daisypond

Doesn’t Hyde Park close at dark, and police remove anyone at that point (did when I was a student anyway). In that case I’d like to know where they will go to when the park shuts.

No, it’s open 5am till midnight all year.

I was thinking Kensington GardensBlush
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 09/05/2021 22:21

I echo what others have said - why the fuck is your DH telling the boyfriend when to bring her back?! She's not a parcel to be passed around between the menfolk. She has a curfew and she should manage it herself.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/05/2021 22:28

@outnumberedbycats

Sorry, just to say, my daughter is quite independent and DH would definitely encourage this. She knows how to navigate herself. I can see where DH is coming from, but sometimes he can be a little too direct, in my view. But he thinks he’s completely normal and I’m too easy-going. He said to the bf when he came over, it was nice to meet him and he was welcome to the house anytime, but if he’s going out with his daughter he expects him to collect her and bring her home. He said to DD when they were going to Portobello one afternoon, that if a boy respects her he won’t expect her to wait for him standing in the streets or in stations! In his mind, this is how it is. He is from a different cultural background to me which possibly affects how he sees things, but also he can be a bit rigid on some issues. Having said this, he would do anything for his kids and he’s very reasonable about the vast majority of things that crop up.

Anyway, Thankyou for the responses and I will sort something out going forward. It’s new territory..,

Ask your DH how he'd have felt as a 16 year old boy, if his mother had had this same conversation with his girlfriend?

And it's not as silly analogy as you may think - girls are vulnerable to sexual assault of course, but teenage boys are much more likely than girls to be murdered or generally assaulted. Girls are actually mainly at risk from boyfriends, not strangers, which is why your DH is being foolish as well as paternalistic by encouraging her to rely on a bf for safety. Your DD is (sadly) way more likely to be raped or assaulted by a bf than a stranger.

TeamMummy · 09/05/2021 22:41

What's wrong with the girl coming home with the boy?

If she came home on her own and got attacked you'd be saying why was she on her own at night

No pleasing some people

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 09/05/2021 22:42

That's a good point. If your DD finds herself feeling threatened by her BF, will she feel obligated to let him bring her home because that's what her dad expects?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 09/05/2021 22:44

For clarity, I was responding to MissLucy, not TeamMummy. TeamMummy's point was anything but good.

TeamMummy - you know that there are other options right? And she should have the choice how to stay safe? She could get a cab, travel with a female friend, be picked up by a trusted adult....

UpTheJunktion · 09/05/2021 22:46

@TeamMummy

What's wrong with the girl coming home with the boy?

If she came home on her own and got attacked you'd be saying why was she on her own at night

No pleasing some people

You have missed the point people are making.
ivfbabymomma1 · 09/05/2021 22:47

I'd say at least 11! Then from 17/18 midnight and then 18+ it's up to them lol!

Rosebel · 09/05/2021 22:55

At 16 I didn't have a curfew. Only rule was if I was going to be later than 12 I had to phone mum and let her know.
(Although I think she stayed awake until I got home anyway).
Having said that my eldest is 15 and I'd probably say 11 is the latest I'd let her stay out.

BackforGood · 09/05/2021 22:58

just to say, my daughter is quite independent and DH would definitely encourage this.

Sorry OP, but what he is saying is the complete opposite of that.
He is actually saying, that, in order to meet a group of friends in the park at 4pm, she has to be collected from home and delivered there by this poor lad.
That really is NOT encouraging her to be independent.

PugInTheHouse · 09/05/2021 23:05

Wow, even 10 is too early. I can't believe that some people give their 16 YOs so little independence. I was going out clubbing at that age and also working at 6am on a weekend and got myself there.

The key is knowing where they are and that they are safe/can call you at any time they need to. 16-18 YOs really do seem to be treated like babies on MN, this is definitely not my experience in RL.

PinkArt · 09/05/2021 23:08

I think your husband's misogyny is a much bigger issue for your daughter than the curfew time. Her dad is giving her zero agency here - he's given the BF more say in what happens to her than he has to her! Yes of course make sure she gets home safely, but discuss with her the best way to do that not the nearest passing guy.

Lesssaideasymended · 09/05/2021 23:18

11pm

coffeefi · 10/05/2021 07:13

The day after my 17th birthday I went off to Magaluf with 2 friends. Woohoo

She needs to learn independence; how to look after herself: be confident travelling. A sense of freedom

What happens in 2 years if she goes away to uni? She may go crazy with her new
Freedom

EmmaGrundyForPM · 10/05/2021 07:23

I can't believe how restrictive people are with their teenagers. If there's no school the next day does it matter what time she comes back? When ds was 16 we had an agreement of 11pm if school the next day, if it was a weekend or holiday he had to message me if he was going to be later than midnight.

Your husband sounds horribly controlling and very sexist.

Morgan12 · 10/05/2021 07:28

Very controlling. I despise men who have different rules for their boys and girls. Absolutely despise them.

Shes 16. What will he do if she books a holiday for the summer, lock her in?

JadedStrumpet · 10/05/2021 07:42

9.30pm at 16??

I was going to pubs at 16. Let the poor girl come home once it's finished!

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