Normal curfew for 16 year-old girl? Who is BU?

[outnumberedbycats]

WIBU? DD is 16 and has had a boyfriend for a few months (he’s in the Lower 6th, she’s in Year 11). She’s mainly been seeing him in school due to the ongoing replacement GCSEs, but she’s fine with this as she understands she’s needed to focus on revision. The boy has been to our house a few times and seems fine so far.

When the exams finish next week there is a group of them planning to hang out in a local park (not a lonely one, it’s Hyde Park), to celebrate various birthdays and end of exams etc. The boyfriend will be there. DH has told the boyfriend that he wants DD brought home by 9.30pm. The BF has agreed, but DD is saying they will all be there until later and this is embarrassing for her. She is complaining to me (as usual) to persuade DH to let her be out later.

What time would you expect a 16 year-old girl home by if she was out in a park with her boyfriend (even though it’s a group thing)?

[Oblomov21]

9.30 is embarrassing.
10 is more than normal for a standard thing.
For this, seeing as it's a special occasion, end of exams, group in big park, 10.30pm seems right.

[DorisLessingsCat]

I'd want her to always be with her bf or a female friend. 10pm or 10.30pm. Not 11pm as that's pub kicking out time and the streets could be lairy.

I'd also want her to have an Uber app/acct and to have demonstrated previous good judgment in similar situations.

[Bringminimoons]

@MojoMoon I don’t think it’s about being dependent and not able to. Most women are able to. However unfortunately we can’t always trust men. The first thing when the young women went missing in Clapham was “ walking street late at night on her own “ it was like 9pm !!!

[AdriannaP]

So your 16 year old can’t go to Hyde Park alone at 4pm in daylight? Jesus wept

[Justmuddlingalong]

I would give her my own time to be home. I think she needs some backing up here.

[Allthereindeersaregirls]

End of year 11/ exams party/ meet up?

I wouldn't have a curfew for that.

A school night, maybe but Friday, Saturday and special occasions I think need more leeway. Personally once in 6th form/ college I wouldn't be having a curfew.

[AhaShakeHeartbreak12]

10:30pm

[Allwokedup]

9.30 is way way early. Home by 11 is fair I think.

[GlutenFreeGingerCake]

I would say 11 as long as she is with her bf or a group of friends and can get home safely. Plus possibly a little flexibility with time to allow them to get home depending on transport. I would be more concerned about her staying with someone and not being left on her own and having a safe way to get home than time.

[NickyHeath]

Hmm. Interesting. At 16 I was going out till closing time in nightclubs, although that was with a specific friend who my parents knew very well. My parents always knew where I was, my friends who weren’t allowed out were always lying to their parents & claiming to have a sleepover at my house... my concern would be that insisting on a 9.30 curfew this summer will mean increasing deceit from your DD about where she actually is & what she is actually up to. But my eldest is only 12 so maybe I will feel differently when I get to that stage?!

[GameSetMatch]

10pm on a weekday but for a special occasion I’d allow 12 but I’d want to drop off and pick up.

[KurtWilde]

11pm for my 16yo's. 9.30 is way too early.

[daisypond]

My teens grew up in London, and 9:30 is too early to be home. Mine are now young adults and say that the kids who later went off the rails and got into trouble (often at university stage) were the ones who had too strict parents who wouldn’t let them do anything or go anywhere.

[outnumberedbycats]

It’s her first boyfriend and she is only just 16. She doesn’t hang around outside in the evenings anyway and there’s been nowhere to go. They might just get a Starbucks after school or whatever, but these assessments this year have been going on consistently for weeks.

Yes there is some slight hypocrisy with DH as he’s not like this with my son, but then my son and his girlfriend are hardly the party types anyway and have both been flat-out with revision for what feels like forever.

I don’t want developing conflict between my husband and DD, so hopefully he’ll be a bit flexible moving forward,

[BackforGood]

Your dh is being ridiculous.
I have 3 (now young adult) dc and, once they get to the 6th form, I expected them to manage their own time expectations.

For a one off, end of year celebration like this I probably wouldn't expect to see them before midnight.
I would have asked them how they were getting back and if they, and any of their friends wanted a lift.
9.30 is ridiculous.

she has told him he’s being OTT and embarrassing as he’s told the BF that if he’s going out with her he has to pick her up as well in the afternoon, whereas DD says it’s out of his way and she’ll just see him there. DH says he doesn’t care if it’s out of his way

I genuinely don't know where to start with this.

Quite frankly, even if it were a 'date' with just the two of them, it is none of your dh's business what arrangements they make as to meeting at a venue, or 1/2 way or at a train station or whatever. Surely he wants to raise a strong independent young adult who is perfectly able to assess and make judgements for herself ?
There people talking about 1950s clearly never met my Mum who wouldn't have stood for any of that nonsense when she moved to the big City to go to college in 1949, and did her dating in the 1950s

You really need to have a serious talk with your dh about what kind of message he is giving his dd, and how poorly he is preparing her for the world if he thinks someone has to fetch her to meet schoolfriends in a park

[Doyouavocado]

9:30 is way too early and I agree would be dead embarrassing for her. 11/12 would be normal

[Justmuddlingalong]

Why does he get the final say? You're her parent too.

[HippeePrincess]

Utterly ridiculous, didn’t even go out til 9pm at 16/17 let alone have a 9.30 curfew. As for not travelling at 4pm without the boyfriend, what the actual fuck?

[TimeForTeaAndG]

I think it’s fair enough he brings her home at night, to be honest.

There's a difference between accompanying her home when they've been out together and being told to ensure she is home by a set time. The first is just sensible. The second is treating DD like she requires a guardian.

If your DH is so bothered about her being home then he can go and pick her up. Also, what 16yo (assuming he's the same age) boyfriend is also going to want to leave the gathering early, they're his friends as well surely?

[KingdomScrolls]

I didn't have a curfew at that age, I worked until after 10pm some nights, I think my parents thought I was sensible, I was by teen terms but not sure I'd want DS in clubs like I was at 15/16, although I think IDing is more rigorous now than 'what is your date of birth and star sign'. I think 11pm would be reasonable, that means they will leave the gathering at 10:30 to travel home and it is a celebration, they've had a tough year with few opportunities to socialise.

[Gymsmile21]

It’s a celebration!! M
I’d say 11pm.

[AgentProvocateur]

I’d left home and was at uni at 16! She shouldn’t have a curfew at that age v

[MojoMoon]

@Bringminimoons absolutely. We can't always trust men.
And statistically the most dangerous men in a 16 year old girl's life are her boyfriend or ex boyfriend. And then her dad.

So I would very much want to make sure my daughter was confident in how to exit a social event without her boyfriend and get home herself and never give the impression that she was only allowed to do something if he accompanied her in case she ever felt like she had to stay in a situation with him that felt bad rather than leave

[KaleSlayer]

What time is everyone else staying out til? I’d go with the majority. 9.30 is very early.

[Gymsmile21]

This is one of those times where you have a good child who does as they are told so is her for it.