Normal curfew for 16 year-old girl? Who is BU?

[outnumberedbycats]

WIBU? DD is 16 and has had a boyfriend for a few months (he’s in the Lower 6th, she’s in Year 11). She’s mainly been seeing him in school due to the ongoing replacement GCSEs, but she’s fine with this as she understands she’s needed to focus on revision. The boy has been to our house a few times and seems fine so far.

When the exams finish next week there is a group of them planning to hang out in a local park (not a lonely one, it’s Hyde Park), to celebrate various birthdays and end of exams etc. The boyfriend will be there. DH has told the boyfriend that he wants DD brought home by 9.30pm. The BF has agreed, but DD is saying they will all be there until later and this is embarrassing for her. She is complaining to me (as usual) to persuade DH to let her be out later.

What time would you expect a 16 year-old girl home by if she was out in a park with her boyfriend (even though it’s a group thing)?

@Darbs76 because two men deciding what is best for a woman is very 1950s?
She is meeting a large group of friends. Perhaps she would choose to travel with them? Perhaps she is capable and sensible enough to be able to travel somewhere without an accompanying man, either alone or with female friends? Perhaps she is capable of arranging a taxi and requesting a lift without two men taking control?
What if she didn't have a boyfriend? Would she have to stay at home?

11pm. 9.30 far too early. Your DH needs not to make this about him.

I think 9.30 is just fine.

Our teenagers always understood that being home by curfew was the lesser of two evils. Better than having us turn up in the car to collect them .

My curfew at 16 was 10pm unless I was with one specific friend (I always with her) because her parents jobs meant they had to be responsible and they always bought me home I was allowed to stay with her until midnight on none school nights.

@2bazookas

I think 9.30 is just fine.

Our teenagers always understood that being home by curfew was the lesser of two evils. Better than having us turn up in the car to collect them .

So you think 9.30, on a weekend, at 16yo, in an open public park is the right time to leave? When it's an end of year celebration?

I’d say 11 too

I'd say 930 is fine as she is out on the streets. When I was 16 I was usually at bf House or something and would be home 10ish. When I was 17 usually got bk at 11.

It's london with frequent transport to all hours. It will be light late. Why not make the most of a summer evening?

If it rains they will be back earlier.

Why is her dad telling the boyfriend what time your daughter has to be brought home?

We celebrated our GCSE’s by booking a pub out, parents picked us all up drunk as farts about 1:30am. But we were well behaved, didn’t make any trouble etc.

My ds and his friends haven’t planned anything for their end of year 11 yet. But they too are a group that aren’t interested in drinking.

I think it’s fair enough he brings her home at night, to be honest. My elder one is 18 and would do that. But DH is more fussy about DD and this is what’s emerging. He’s told her that if this boy can’t be bothered to pick her up from her house, he’s not worth her time, but he doesn’t grasp they this isn’t some huge-deal “date,” it’s just a group thing in a park. But DH will just say he doesn’t care and “that’s the deal.” He needs to be more flexible in terms of his mindset, I agree, but he means well in general. I’ve told him they’re hardly outrageous kids in the scheme of things.

I’d be more concerned about your husband’s bizarrely misogynistic attitude.

I’ve always taken the approach of having a conversation with my children about what time they feel is appropriate in all the circumstances and then holding them to it. Generally the suggestion the come up with is more conservative than what I was thinking

@2bazookas

I think 9.30 is just fine.

Our teenagers always understood that being home by curfew was the lesser of two evils. Better than having us turn up in the car to collect them .

IME it's the teens with parents like you who are the ones shagging in the toilets and off their faces on booze and pills. Infantilising 16 year olds is counter-productive.

My curfew at that age was 10pm, but later on special occasions. Having said that, my parents usually picked me up late at night in London because they didn't want me using public transport at that time.

I wouldn’t want her coming home alone but in a pair whether it’s be boyfriend or friend.
However 9.30 is ridiculous I would say whenever she wanted 🤣 but to text maybe when she is on her way home ?

DH sounds like he’s in denial about his daughter dating, and about her age. He’s acting like she’s all of about 13 with her very first, brand-new boyfriend. She’s 16; she could walk out your front door tomorrow and decide to live independently, and then you would have absolutely no say in her curfew.

And in two years, that will be the case anyway; she’ll be gone to university and you’ll have no say. Wouldn’t it be better to try to teach her safe boundaries while you can (like a curfew of 11 or midnight when you know exactly where she is and who she’s with, and you’ve offered to come pick up) versus when she’ll be on her own and can stay out until midnight every night if she likes and never tell you a thing. Usually, those at university who seem to do better are those who have already gotten this out of their system, and already overcome idea that anything magical and once in a lifetime happens late at night that’s worth sabotaging their morning lectures for.

Also, this: She’s mainly been seeing him in school due to the ongoing replacement GCSEs, but she’s fine with this as she understands she’s needed to focus on revision. Do you mean you told her that she could only see him at school because she needed to revise? Because if so, that’s already some pretty strict parenting and it sounds like she put up with it without complaint. So if she’s telling you 930pm at age 16 for a boyfriend she’s barely been allowed to see in months is too early... listen?

😂 when I was 16 I was made to be home at 8! Latest 9 😂 9:30 is late to me 😳 but given she is with her boyfriend and his going to take her home I think I’d allow her to stay out a bit later then 9:30 as long as she doesn’t come home on her own

My DD is almost 17 and her curfew is 10pm if she is out with friends. 9.30pm on college nights but it's because she has a very early start each day for college due to travelling.

That's very early, I'd say home by 11.

The thread title is quite revealing. Why would a curfew for a girl be any different than from a boy? Yes, of course, girls are more vulnerable when out alone, but that makes it all the more essential that they learn to negotiate going out safely. She should be responsible for making her own plans - which you then check to make sure they're suitable - not being treated as her bf's chattel.

9:30 is a bit mean - at 16 I was working until 10pm in a supermarket on school nights.

My parents were really very strict until we turned 16 and then just sort of opened the door and let us make our own mistakes/choices (whilst going to bed with their mobiles on loud).

I was at uni in another city by the time I was 17 and a half and you could tell which Freshers had never been ‘allowed out’ before by the over excited drunken messes they got into the very minute they got away from home.

That's far too early and I'm not surprised she's embarrassed. At her age, I can tell you I'd have come in at 1.00am with two fingers raised just for Daddy for making me look stupid in front of my boyfriend.

Why on earth did he jump in with this? It would have been far more appropriate to have said to DD What time were you thinking of coming home? What are the others doing? and negotiated from there.

I went on holiday abroad when I was 16 with friends and I also let my sons go at this age. You are being far too strict in my opinion.

I'd also add that making your daughter dependent on a boyfriend to bring her home as a condition of her being "allowed" out sends some problematic messages.

What if he is horrible or rude to her? Does she have to smile sweetly and put up with it because she can't get home without him?

I would always want my daughter to feel like she could confidently say "sod off, I'll make my own way home" to any boyfriend and for her to be confident and experienced at getting herself around independently, be that because she can travel home with some friends instead or she is capable of getting a taxi or train safely herself.