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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Normal curfew for 16 year-old girl? Who is BU?

170 replies

outnumberedbycats · 09/05/2021 18:19

WIBU? DD is 16 and has had a boyfriend for a few months (he’s in the Lower 6th, she’s in Year 11). She’s mainly been seeing him in school due to the ongoing replacement GCSEs, but she’s fine with this as she understands she’s needed to focus on revision. The boy has been to our house a few times and seems fine so far.

When the exams finish next week there is a group of them planning to hang out in a local park (not a lonely one, it’s Hyde Park), to celebrate various birthdays and end of exams etc. The boyfriend will be there. DH has told the boyfriend that he wants DD brought home by 9.30pm. The BF has agreed, but DD is saying they will all be there until later and this is embarrassing for her. She is complaining to me (as usual) to persuade DH to let her be out later.

What time would you expect a 16 year-old girl home by if she was out in a park with her boyfriend (even though it’s a group thing)?

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 09/05/2021 19:31

Honestly, it's the end of her GCSEs - can one of you not drive to collect her? It's not like it's a regular occurrence, and it's a really special night for them. Plus it's definitely safer for her if you do.

Your DH is being overprotective to suggest that her BF needs to collect her - would he not usually allow her to take the Tube/bus alone at 4pm? If he normally would then he's being a raging hypocrite.

addictedtotheflats · 09/05/2021 19:31

9.30 is too early. Id say 11pm is a reasonable time at 16. I recall that being most of my friendship groups curfew at that age.

Gymsmile21 · 09/05/2021 19:31

So is being punished for it*

UpTheJunktion · 09/05/2021 19:31

OP: I always told my teen boys to walk home together, to walk each other home. Walk home with other people is the message.

The point you are missing is that instead of giving your Dd responsibility over her own homecoming and talking to her boyf herself, your DH is acting like a patriarchal Victorian and talking about her to her BF.

It’s demeaning, patronising, sexist and now way to support her to develop confidence and the ability to make decisions for herself.

Fine: ‘what’s the plan for getting home, I don’t want you walking alone after dark’ . And let her negotiate who she walks with, on her own terms(with that person, be it BF or friend).

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/05/2021 19:32

I would have said home by 10.30pm or 11pm as it's a "celebration" type event

BrownEyedGirl80 · 09/05/2021 19:33

I'd say 10.30

HavelockVetinari · 09/05/2021 19:33

(When it was my turn finishing GCSEs in the early 00s my parents gave me money for a taxi home (on top of what I'd need for a few drinks) and told me I'd better be home by midnight.

JackANackAnoreeee · 09/05/2021 19:33

9:30 is way too early. Have her check in at 9:30 and be home 11:30.

Fluffingheck · 09/05/2021 19:37

I think if she's with a group, and you are satisfied she is going to be safe getting home, that 11pm is reasonable. I would however be telling her that if she gets absolutely plastered (as opposed to mildly merry) or if she is late home, that she won't be allowed out that late again for a while. I have 2 teenage boys, and they have both pushed their luck once, but never again...Grin

QueenPaw · 09/05/2021 19:38

Good point actually about living away, I was at residential college and our curfew was 11pm at 16, you could stay out later but had to have a permission slip from parents to not have a curfew

Phillipa12 · 09/05/2021 19:40

We had a curfew of 10pm on a week night and unlimited on a Friday and Saturday night, but there were rules. We stayed with friends, never walked home alone, no drugs, had to be sensible with alcohol and if a friend couldn't get home safely (they all lived in villages and we were in the town) then they stayed over and made way home in the morning. Mum was a secondary teacher and had heard so many broken curfew and grounding rants from teenagers that she decided to allow us the freedom, we never abused it as we knew she would take it away in an instant. Your dd is with friends and what also sounds like a very sensible boyfriend, they are celebrating the end of exams, I wouldn't give a curfew just tell her not to blow it or she will be under tight curfew for the rest of her natural life......

Pinkyavocado · 09/05/2021 19:43

My daughter will be 16 next year. I’d say 10.30/11pm. At the moment she has to be hime before it gets dark.

BackforGood · 09/05/2021 19:46

It’s demeaning, patronising, sexist and now way to support her to develop confidence and the ability to make decisions for herself.

This ^

and well said MojoMoon

MrsMiddleMother · 09/05/2021 19:48

I think 10/10.30pm

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 09/05/2021 20:02

I’d say 11 is ok. I’d be offering taxi fare or a pick up and asking her to make sure she stays with someone all evening.

HugeBowlofChips · 09/05/2021 20:02

Hmmm. I have been in Hyde Park on long summer evenings. It actually has quite a scary edge. Lots of groups (not all teenagers, older blokes too) getting steadily shit faced/ stoned. Police on patrol. I think it will be carnage this year. Personally, I would want her out of the park by 930 but how about they come for an after party at your place until midnight, and you will stay clear but provide pizzas etc.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/05/2021 20:06

At that age I was living in my own home and had a baby to look after.

MadelaineMaxwell · 09/05/2021 20:09

9.30!!!!! For real? At 16 I was out clubbing with parents knowledge. As long as I had a taxi booked and I never missed it (I never did) I came home when I wanted on a weekend.

romany4 · 09/05/2021 20:10

My curfew was midnight at 16!
I gave the same curfew to my kids at that age.
YABU

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/05/2021 20:10

@QueenPaw

Good point actually about living away, I was at residential college and our curfew was 11pm at 16, you could stay out later but had to have a permission slip from parents to not have a curfew
And this My dds curfew at college was 11pm
Original poster
outnumberedbycats · 09/05/2021 20:11

Sorry, just to say, my daughter is quite independent and DH would definitely encourage this. She knows how to navigate herself. I can see where DH is coming from, but sometimes he can be a little too direct, in my view. But he thinks he’s completely normal and I’m too easy-going. He said to the bf when he came over, it was nice to meet him and he was welcome to the house anytime, but if he’s going out with his daughter he expects him to collect her and bring her home. He said to DD when they were going to Portobello one afternoon, that if a boy respects her he won’t expect her to wait for him standing in the streets or in stations! In his mind, this is how it is. He is from a different cultural background to me which possibly affects how he sees things, but also he can be a bit rigid on some issues. Having said this, he would do anything for his kids and he’s very reasonable about the vast majority of things that crop up.

Anyway, Thankyou for the responses and I will sort something out going forward. It’s new territory..,

OP posts:
MadelaineMaxwell · 09/05/2021 20:14

Oh, and off topic @outnumberedbycats how outnumbered are you? I’m 8:1 at the moment!

Original poster
outnumberedbycats · 09/05/2021 20:14

Huge - yes the park has become really busy with restaurants etc being closed and there are strange people around for sure. But they’re in quite a large group.

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 09/05/2021 20:16

My dd is in year 11 and we have a curfew of 10.30 on weekends. Sometimes she is later (in theory, but not always, if it's agreed with me in advance).

I had a few of her friends in my garden last night and sent them home at 11. They didn't seem to have curfews!

Original poster
outnumberedbycats · 09/05/2021 20:17

MadelaineMaxwell Grin- we are (following the most recent intake) 7:6. You win!

OP posts:
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