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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask honestly if you feel sorry for these women?

370 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 09/05/2021 12:50

Who are approaching 40 and single with no kids?
I know a few in this situation and they always say they feel judged and inferior to women of that age who do.
Personally, I do not feel sorry for them if they do not have kids as they are not for everyone. But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship. Now, I am not saying women need a man to be happy but I know from myself how much nicer my life is with DP in it.

OP posts:
DuckonaBike · 09/05/2021 16:51

Surely there must be an equivalent number of men in the same situation. Where is the sympathy for them, poor lambs?

Of course it’s possible that some of them have chosen to be single and child free as well Wink

Confusedandshaken · 09/05/2021 17:20

It's such a generalisation to say 'these women' as of everyone reaching 40 without a partner and family is in that situation for the same reason.

I have a friend I've known over 30 years. I met her when she was 20 and I interviewed her for a job. She was very clear that her 5 year plan was to be married and pregnant. All she ever wanted was a husband and kids. She's now in her 50s, had 4 husbands so far (all cheaters), spent many thousands on IVF and had never even fallen pregnant. I feel very sorry for her. A mutual colleague of ours is also in her 50s, has never, ever wanted children and has a wonderful life with lots of money, horses, golf and holidays with friends. I don't feel at all sorry for her.

MsTSwift · 09/05/2021 17:23

I had to ask a 90 year old lady whether she was married or had children recently through my work loved her answer “oh no I couldn’t be bothered with all that” 😁

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/05/2021 17:26

@MrsMaizel

I'm much older than approaching 40 but I do have a couple of friends who are in this category - never had any children , no partner currently . They have filled their lives with travelling and friends but when it all begins to slow down as in Covid and with age ...then yes I do feel sorry for them.
The big problem with this standpoint is that you can’t assume your children will be there for company as you get older. I love my parents dearly, and we’ve had a video call of at least an hour - 90 minutes every week during lockdown. But I still live 100 miles away. I can’t just pop over. They can’t rely on me for everyday company the older they get.

On the other hand, if friends have always been a huge part of your life, that is more likely to continue even as you get older. While it’s not universal, I think some childless people make more effort to spend time with their friends than people with kids do. When the children inevitably grow up, it’s not so easy to pick up the friendships as if nothing has happened.

I saw a thread on here once where several people told a single OP that she was being unreasonable to expect she might occasionally friends who have children at the weekends, because weekends are ‘family time’. She was wrong to even ask, apparently. But when those children become teenagers who want to see their own friends, or boyfriends or girlfriends later on, the parents may suddenly want to see their friends at weekends again. And those friends may have moved on to people who didn’t treat them like someone they might fit in if they’re lucky.

Ostara212 · 09/05/2021 17:30

@MsTSwift

I had to ask a 90 year old lady whether she was married or had children recently through my work loved her answer “oh no I couldn’t be bothered with all that” 😁
My thoughts exactly 😂
thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2021 17:33

Not at all. It's one of the greatest secrets of life that child-free, unmarried women have been shown in some studies to be the happiest category of people in society. My closes friend is single and child-free and has probably achieved more than anyone I know.

Its very much to our discredit as a society that we haven't learned this yet and still brainwash women to believe that they need to tick this particular box in order to be whole. It causes a lot of people to live in a state of miserable dissatisfaction and at worst tolerating awful abuse.

There are marriages which are genuinely life enhancing, but let's be honest, they are in the minority. Most of my friends who are in long-term relationships with children have, to some extent, settled and made compromises. I can understand why those compromises have come about and many of them offset these through the happiness and stability they give to their children. But in almost every case, I look at the woman in the partnership and think she would be far happier alone or with just her children.

I'm a single mum and very happy with my lot. I wouldn't remarry for all the tea in china.

I really hate the idea that single and childless women are to be pitied and it makes me profoundly depressed that shit like this still gets trotted out.

godmum56 · 09/05/2021 17:40

not just yabu but patronising

Halloweenrainbow · 09/05/2021 17:41

@vampirethriller

No. I'm nearly 40, single mother, no partner. I've never been happier.
Same SmileFlowers
BuggerBognor · 09/05/2021 17:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

IceSwallowCome · 09/05/2021 17:50

🙄

Confusedandshaken · 09/05/2021 18:26

@MsTSwift

I had to ask a 90 year old lady whether she was married or had children recently through my work loved her answer “oh no I couldn’t be bothered with all that” 😁
Slightly different but my DH's 90 year old uncle was interviewed for the local radio station. When the reporter asked if he had ever been married he answered 'Not yet'.
tentosix · 09/05/2021 18:37

Oh fuck the fuck off! Women and men can actually be alone, without being lonely. i think a lot of married women look at them, their freedom, their money and there infinitly better lifestyle, and are envious.

XenoBitch · 09/05/2021 18:42

I am past 40... no kids, no partner (been single for 4 years). No job (have mental illness preventing me working), so no career, am on UC with no money to do anything fun at all. Literally no point to living at all.
Keep seeing all the above being mentioned as 'red flags' when someone posts here saying they have met someone that doesn't work etc.

drpet49 · 09/05/2021 18:45

If the person is happy then no.

If the person is unhappy then yes

the80sweregreat · 09/05/2021 18:50

Depends on the woman and the circumstances
I know someone who really wanted children but it just didn't happen. Her sister has children and they became her world.
I think she came to terms with it, but it was hard for her. She has a great life , a partner money and a well paid job : I admit I felt jealous of her now and again but I also appreciated that she did want kids years ago and would have been a great mum.

Kinneddar · 09/05/2021 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 09/05/2021 18:58

I have a high flying career, a man who loves me, children and good childcare, and I'm bloody envious of women who don't have those things. Bloody jealous damnit!

SecretSpAD · 09/05/2021 19:03

I think to not have a family by then would be devastating and I would think they only think they’re happy because they don’t know what they’re missing. It’s very sad.

What's very sad is the narrow minded view that women can only be happy with a husband and children. Some of the happiest people I know are those who didn't succumb to society's expectations and live their life on their terms. Conversely, some of the most miserable people I know are those who settled for a partner because they were told by society that it was time to settle down and had kids because it was the next expected thing.

minou123 · 09/05/2021 19:27

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I have a high flying career, a man who loves me, children and good childcare, and I'm bloody envious of women who don't have those things. Bloody jealous damnit!
You can join as an honorary member Alonelonelylonersbadidea We'll let you join our club.

There is an initiation ceremony involving spaghetti hoops, a gas mask and a fish slice.
But don't worry we'll let you know more on Tuesday at our next AGM

Grin
Chillychangchoo · 09/05/2021 19:28

Sorry for them? No way. If anything you could envy a 40 year old with no ties or burdens to her name.

Batshitkerazy · 09/05/2021 19:30

This thread has really wound me up! Nobody would bat an eyelid about a single childless man approaching 40

StreetLightsHoney · 09/05/2021 19:32

@Batshitkerazy

This thread has really wound me up! Nobody would bat an eyelid about a single childless man approaching 40
I would. I’d pity him too.
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 09/05/2021 19:43

Thanks @minou123 you just made my day, my noisy, poo-filled, no time to myself, boring day.
I will do whatever it takes to pass the initiation ceremony. I'm even salivating over spaghetti hoops right now!

the80sweregreat · 09/05/2021 19:46

It is a lottery having children isn't it?
No guarantees that they will hang around when they are older : they might emigrate and you'll never see them again or marry someone who hates you and your family and they have to choose where their loyalties lie or some other reason you may never see them much.
If a child has disabilities it can make life harder for people ( I know many men who took off leaving the mum to bring up the children because they had a disability and that can happen even if they don't of course ) I don't want to upset anyone saying this but it's something people don't often think about either.

Some children are just trouble ( my late sil was)
Many men can't cope with being a dad. Many friends have split up once the children came along.
It's not always a life of unicorns and rainbows being parents ( I have two and found it hard at times) not to mention schools and the teen years, can be so tricky especially these days with the Internet and the media.
It can be a minefield.

Cantrecall · 09/05/2021 19:50

Lol I’ve not even read the thread but I can’t WAIT until I’m approaching 40, got rid of arsehole dh and the kids will have moved out so il be SINGLE . Why on Earth would I feel sorry for them I ENVY them

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