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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask honestly if you feel sorry for these women?

370 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 09/05/2021 12:50

Who are approaching 40 and single with no kids?
I know a few in this situation and they always say they feel judged and inferior to women of that age who do.
Personally, I do not feel sorry for them if they do not have kids as they are not for everyone. But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship. Now, I am not saying women need a man to be happy but I know from myself how much nicer my life is with DP in it.

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/05/2021 15:52

Not at all. I would feel sorry for them if I knew they desperately wanted a family, but I would never just assume that they did.

I'm 30 and a single parent. I am likely to be single at 40 too as I have absolutely no desire for a relationship. I'm used to doing everything my own way now.

I had DS young so he will be grown by the time I'm 40, I'll be doing what I want then and I'd find it hilarious if someone felt sorry for me!

Feather12 · 09/05/2021 15:54

I don’t feel sorry for them because I would assume it is choice (a good choice!) I would feel sorry for them if it is not what they wanted. However I would feel much more sorry for the women stuck in unhappy marriages or with unwanted pregnancies more. That would be a much harder life to live.

Mermaidwaves · 09/05/2021 15:55

OP you sound so smug! Thankfully we live in an era where women have choices and children and partners are not the only option to be happy and 'successful' I would also tell you not to be overly trusting and rely on a man for happiness as they can let you down when least expected, even the nice quiet ones.

wewereliars · 09/05/2021 15:56

It's the socially enforced narrative that women can only be hollow shells unless they meet the man of their dreams, and have the babies etc etc.
Quite honestly, if someone had shown 25 year old me what bringing uo 2 kds actually entails I wuld have run screamig in the opposite direction.

oiwiththepoodlesalready83 · 09/05/2021 15:56

I didn’t read anything past your judgemental, ageist and sexist opening line.....

No I don’t feel sorry for ‘these women”
A woman’s sole purpose in life isn’t to have children or get married. Anyone who is living a life they’re happy with does not need any pity.

Dartsplayer · 09/05/2021 15:56

My Dsis is 47 and my friend is 53. Neither have children nor have been in a relationship for over 20 years. Do I feel sorry for them? No because that is what they CHOSE and they are perfectly happy with their decisions

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/05/2021 15:57

If its their choice good god no. I appreciate that they get positives I don't. Whilst I love my DC with my last breath the concept of more disposable income and you know , actual sleep would hardly make me pity them. Its a legitimate choice just as mine is to have DC. It works both ways I don't appreciate being pitied by those who have chosen to not have a family which has happened.

Both situations have upsides and downsides and both are legitimate choices , I can't really see what there is to pity.

Its different if it was something they truly wanted and didn't happen but I'm not sure its pity I feel. I had a friend who married and spent until her early 50's desperately trying to concieve and at that point had to accept it wasn't going to happen for her. I suppose I was sad with her but she promptly started an amazing cake making business which was blossoming and was a hell of an achievement. I celebrated with her and my god did she smash what she thought was a barrier for her.

It was awful for her not to be able to have a family but I don't feel pity I feel admiration at how she handled such a devastating (for her ) blow.

Pity is usually an arrogant emotion. If you are still standing (even if sometimes you lie in bed for a bit to cry) after facing the world as it is these days , in whatever situation you are you should be bloody proud. Pity isn't necessary or helpful.

AlexaNeverListens · 09/05/2021 16:03

That's quite a sweeping generalisation to assume you're happier than anyone of a certain age who is single and/or childless!

I can't decide whether you're being patronising or arrogant but neither are attractive qualities.

ImpassiveVoice · 09/05/2021 16:07

Oh no! All my life, I've thought people took me as I am - no children, happy with that and currently single and happy with that too. Now I realise I'm just an object of pity ... whatever shall I do with myself?

ElphabaTWitch · 09/05/2021 16:11

I’d never feel sorry for someone living the life they want. I might be jealous envious of the life others have, but not everyone wants kids.

Sorka · 09/05/2021 16:13

Aren’t you a charmer OP.

Skinnytailedsquirrel · 09/05/2021 16:18

YABU asking such a silly question. Not everyone wants the same (thank goodness) and lots wouldn't want what you have.

40 year olds are at the prime of their life. No kids and freedom. What's not to love?

Pythonesque · 09/05/2021 16:20

When I seen pictures on Facebook from my old schoolfriends, I am struck that quite a few of them have had their children after 40, in several cases probably significantly after. (we're all late 40s and some still have preschoolers / First day of school pics etc)

So my answer to the OP is no!

lolacola77 · 09/05/2021 16:23

You're full of shite op. The idea of a relationship and children has always filled me with horror. These are choices I'm so glad I made.

Pan2 · 09/05/2021 16:26

This looks like a standard 'setting women against women through comparison' thread.

LH1987 · 09/05/2021 16:27

I have sympathy for anyone who doesn’t have what they want in life, but a lot of women don’t want kids or a husband and are having a great time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2021 16:27

Like many have said, I'd only feel sorry for them if they felt sorry for themselves, or if I knew that their situation was different from what they had hoped for in their life, but they're putting a brave face on it.

I could have been one of those women - not sure I'd have wanted anyone to feel sorry for me though, I wasn't that unhappy with my single child-free life! Neither was I so sure that I wanted children that I'd have been desperate to have any.
I'm happy that DH came along and that I have my 2 boys now, but I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if he hadn't!

CorianderBee · 09/05/2021 16:31

I'd assume they didn't want that life and that they're more than happy being independent. I wouldn't 'feel sorry' for them unless they expressed frustration or upset about their situation.

greeneyedlulu · 09/05/2021 16:31

I don't feel sorry for people who don't have kids because maybe they just plain old don't want them, not everyone has to have kids and that's fine.

I feel far more sorry for people in shitty relationships (I'm shocked at some of the shit I read on here and count my blessings) than I do for single people.

Branleuse · 09/05/2021 16:31

no, not necessarily, unless its something theyre really unhappy with, and even then, I dont feel that its a tragedy

cabingirl · 09/05/2021 16:32

I don't feel sorry for anyone who is happy and content with their lives no matter how different that life is to mine, or whether that life would make me personally unhappy.

I feel sympathy for anyone who is in a situation which makes them unhappy - and based on Mumsnet it's not the single women who appear to be in miserable living situations in general.

Snog · 09/05/2021 16:33

OP this is a patronising post. All this "feeling sorry for" is code for "feeling better than".

AMillionMilesAway · 09/05/2021 16:37

Not without knowing their full circumstances, no.

earthyfire · 09/05/2021 16:41

My friend is 42 and just widowed, they didn't have any children because they didn't want to but she still doesn't regret having children so no, I don't feel sorry for her in that respect. If she wanted children but couldn't then of course I would feel upset for her.

Badgerlock42 · 09/05/2021 16:43

grin]
Don't be distressed @ImpassiveVoice, because luckily for you you stumbled upon this goady, tone deaf well-intentioned, reasoned post, & can mend your wilfully spinsterish ways before it's too late.

Get on Tinder & start swiping. Never mind the quality for now, just make sure you get the must-have accessory that every REAL woman needs before she can be taken seriously - a "man" (apologies if you are already familiar with the concept of a human male, but obvs I don't know how long you've been shirking your duty & how rusty you are with the basics).

You've got until this thread dies to get kitted out with one of these men, & will only have yourself you blame if you miss the deadline. You Have Been Warned.
I'll be there with you - because otherwise, it's out to the village square with us, & an entertaining stoning to death, which will be all we deserve, frankly. And count ourselves lucky not to be denouced as witches & consigned to hellfire.

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