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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask honestly if you feel sorry for these women?

370 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 09/05/2021 12:50

Who are approaching 40 and single with no kids?
I know a few in this situation and they always say they feel judged and inferior to women of that age who do.
Personally, I do not feel sorry for them if they do not have kids as they are not for everyone. But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship. Now, I am not saying women need a man to be happy but I know from myself how much nicer my life is with DP in it.

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 09/05/2021 15:19

I feel sorry for my friend in that situation because she would love to marry and have kids but never met the right person.

I don't feel sorry for myself because I've chosen to be single and childfree.

I have no opinion of women I know nothing about.

Duplobuplo · 09/05/2021 15:20

No, I might envy them a bit. Imagine being able to sit down of an evening and watch what you want with a glass of wine. Bliss!

Instead I have to fight children through a bedtime routine only to come down to DH typically wanting to watch some boring series about super heroes/mexican drug lords

mynameisbrian · 09/05/2021 15:21

i have a mixture of child free friends, most through choice, couple who are happily married, living a great life child free, have a friend who remains single, has no kids, own house and has a great life and i envy her. One close friend I think is sad that she didnt have kids and settle down but she has a great circle of friends but I know she is lonly. I dont feel pity or sorry for her, she is my friend and I just need to ensure I am here for her. As for me if I could turn back the clock i would never live with a man ever again

Ohnomoreno · 09/05/2021 15:23

Being single during covid was probably terrible, but the no kids bit? Nope, mostly envy.

AIMD · 09/05/2021 15:24

No I don’t feel sorry for them.

I’d feel for someone who was that age singles with no kids but desperately wanted to be married and/or have kid. Just as I’d feel for someone who was that age and in a loveless marriage or struggling to cope with care of children.

I wouldn’t feel sorry for someone simply because they were single with no kids.

cyclingmad · 09/05/2021 15:24

38, single and childless and happy. I don't need a man in my life, if I find someone its because they add something special to it otherwise im prefectly fine.

I don't need a man to feel supported or provide a loving relationship. I have support and loving relationships with my friends and family.

Bully for you if you feel you need that in your life. But my life is no less than yours of anyone elses and nor do I need people to pity or feel sorry for me.

If my friends felt sorry for me, then clearly they don't know me very well in the first place.

roguetomato · 09/05/2021 15:25

Wow, not very nice thought, op. I think someone who thinks like this are actually the ones who have unhappy life, and trying to make themselves feel better by bringing others down.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/05/2021 15:25

I think to not have a family by then would be devastating and I would think they only think they’re happy because they don’t know what they’re missing. It’s very sad
What is this crazy talk?
No of course not. I don't feel sorry for anyone unless they're unhappy with their life DC or no DC.
Tbf I envy the ones happy within their life but like everything we think the grass is greener on the other side.

Howtomakeevery1 · 09/05/2021 15:28

Why would you feel sorry for them? They very likely could have settled with the type of marriage and child care arrangements that inspire LTB on here - they very likely made an active choice not to

username985 · 09/05/2021 15:30

No, but I do feel sorry for the people who lack the imagination and life experience to understand that other people's different ways of living might be as fulfilling and valid as their own, if not more so.

I hope you manage to get out a bit more, explore the world and broaden your mind. Maybe when your DC have left home eh?

Squirrelblanket · 09/05/2021 15:31

What a bizarre thread. Essentially you are asking 'do you look at women who do not have the exact same life as you and assume they must be unhappy and therefore feel sorry for them?'

Is it really that difficult to comprehend that different people may enjoy leading different kinds of lives? Confused

Crimeismymiddlename · 09/05/2021 15:31

Your op seems a little smug. 38, no children, own home, good job, lovely friends and family. I do, quite often have other women try and pity me-but very much feel I have it made and they should pity someone who deserves it. I know a lot of single happy women, and we all laugh at the head tilt ‘ahh are you here by yourself again’ nonsense at weddings/christenings/bbq’s. It’s so rude and condescending, but also funny that so many people find it strange that an adult is single, and has the audacity to not be a sad shut in.

Original poster
LemonSherbetFancies · 09/05/2021 15:33

Again, it's not me who feels sorry for them. The only time I would is if they were still living in the parental home.

OP posts:
dworky · 09/05/2021 15:33

The mistake you're making is judging others by your own needs. It's also very condescending to judge others lives & choices in this way.

maddiemookins16mum · 09/05/2021 15:34

I have two friends in ‘that situation’. One is fabulously happy, the other is lonely, sad and has openly said she feels her life in pointless. I feel terribly sorry for her, she’s miserable.

Trixie78 · 09/05/2021 15:35

Patronising much!! 🤣 It feel sorry for a couple of friends in that age group and situation but only because I know they would like to get married/have kids but haven't met the right person. Other friends aren't bothered. I don't have a blanket policy of feeling sorry for childless 40 year old women, their life is probably brilliant without the hassle and may well not have wanted it. What a strange post 🤔

Tambora · 09/05/2021 15:36

Personally, I hardly know any single childless women, aproaching 40 or otherwise upwards. The few I do know have made a positive life choice which suits them.

Chloemol · 09/05/2021 15:37

Rude ‘these people’

Not everyone wants the same out of life as others lots are very happy with how they are

I don’t think lots are looked down on

Ted27 · 09/05/2021 15:38

@LemonSherbetFancies

I have supportive and loving relationships, multiple ones in fact.
they are called friends
I'm 56 and been single a long time. I have a nice life thanks. I do have a son though, and a cat

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 09/05/2021 15:42

I have a few friends who have hit late 30s and are single without any children, they want to settle down, have kids and it just isn't happening. I feel sorry for them as they want those things but it just hasn't worked out, now the race is on before it's too late. But then again I know some people this age single by choice and loving life. I obviously don't feel sorry for them as they are happy and living their best life as they see it.

Not everyone wants the same thing out of life so I don't have blanket pitty for single women aged 40!

Callixte · 09/05/2021 15:42

@LemonSherbetFancies

Again, it's not me who feels sorry for them. The only time I would is if they were still living in the parental home.
OK, answered your first set of questions in good faith, but this is troll central.
username12345T · 09/05/2021 15:43

Is there a tendency in society to assume that a woman "must" want a husband and children, and is somehow failing and pitiable if she doesn't have that?

I think that's what the problem is here and it's a misunderstanding. I had a friend who thought that any life you lived outside marriage and family was wasted and didn't really count.

Shockingly, not all women want the same thing but some can't seem to grasp that. These women don't all want the same thing as the OP. They aren't missing something, they just want different things. I feel sorry for women who marry and have children in order to please others or conform to societies expectations or can't imagine a life outside conventional mores.

Badgerlock42 · 09/05/2021 15:47

Again, it's not me who feels sorry for them. The only time I would is if they were still living in the parental home.

Again, outed by your own words:
But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship

Stop backpedalling & own it, OP.

musingloud · 09/05/2021 15:49

@LemonSherbetFancies

I am referring to the women in my life. Some ex colleagues, some family. Many feel that they are looked down upon, pitied or seen as spinsters. Generally I get the same view as well as in my social circle, people do seem to feel sorry for women approaching 40 who do not have this in their lives. Yet on Mumsnet it seems to be a different story.
Well you were explicit in your OP that you do feel pity for them. So it would appear they are right to feel that people look down on them and pity them. You are one of those people.
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/05/2021 15:52

I feel so much better and happier without a man in my life. no intention of going there again.

And also have a Biscuit for writing such a goady post.