To be at wits end with DSD?

[croquettesplease]

DH and I shared 50/50 custody of 7 year old DSD with her mum ever since I have known him. However, in February the schedule changed as DH's work really picked up and so DH's ex now has DSD full time, with us having her every second weekend and one night during the week every second week.

Since this new arrangement has been in place DSD has cried for over an hour every single night she has been here saying she is missing her mum. We console her obviously and we try to distract but nothing works. She phones her mum crying and a few nights her mum has had to pick her up but this isn't fair as it's eating into our time with her.

However, I really am becoming quite frustrated and fed up, it's taking a good few hours to settle her at night. Last night she phoned her mum crying saying she missed her, and her mum said she had plans so couldn't pick her up, this led to DSD sobbing for over an hour in bed.

I just don't know what has caused this as she was always fine before and I am beginning to dread bedtime when she is here because nothing we do or say helps her.

She is still adjusting to the new schedule, she has lost a lot of time with her Dad and is she only 7.

I understand that but then wouldn't that mean she would be crying at her mums about missing her dad rather than other way about?

What kind of father gives up that much time with his child for a job? If my father had done that when I was a child I would have felt very rejected and wanted to be with my mother rather than see him at all. And I don’t suppose it helps that her stepmother is frustrated rather than sympathetic towards her behaviour.

In her little seven year old mind it's probably a way of acting out at her dad about the massive cut in time but not being able to articulate it.

I’m going to guess it’s because her routine has been hugely upset and she’s now spending the vast majority of her life with her Mum rather than Dad so she’s understandably more attached to her. She’s only 7, it must be a huge adjustment for her.

In her little seven year old mind it's probably a way of acting out at her dad about the massive cut in time but not being able to articulate it.

I think this is also true. She’s gone from seeing him 50% of the time to no more than 20% of the time. She’s only 7, go easy on her.

@Theweedonkeeey

What kind of father gives up that much time with his child for a job? If my father had done that when I was a child I would have felt very rejected and wanted to be with my mother rather than see him at all. And I don’t suppose it helps that her stepmother is frustrated rather than sympathetic towards her behaviour.

Very judgemental comment. We have no idea why the DH has taken on so much work but maybe it's so he can better fund his DD. Sounds like the mum, OP and DH have decent communication so who are we/you to make a judgement on his working hours. We know nothing of these people.

She's suddenly not with yous as much and instead with her mum the majority of the time. Of course it's going to impact her settling at yours. She's not as familiar with yous and your house anymore. She's went from spending half her time at dad's to only every second weekend etc. That's a huge big change for her. And her mum.

In your adult mind, yes, however small children don’t think like that.

She now spends most of her time with her mother, and very little time with her father compared to previously. She is clearly very hurt, upset and thrown off by this.

@croquettesplease

I understand that but then wouldn't that mean she would be crying at her mums about missing her dad rather than other way about?

Not really no.

OP, this sounds very distressing for all of you. However, I simply don't understand your comment I just don't know what has caused this when it is so clear from your OP that it's a direct result of the change in contact arrangement?

Could DH increase contact again - maybe not back to 50/50 but higher than the current level? Does he have lots of calm, enjoyable time with DSD when she is with you?

I feel so sad for your dsd. She must feel a lot of rejection from her father after cutting down his time with her so drastically and she will definitely be picking up on your frustrations with her. From her pov, she probably feels like she's not wanted at yours and wants the comfort and security of her mums. Poor love.

@Orangebug unfortunately we can only do what we can do and sadly increasing time with DSD is not manageable at the moment, however much we want it to be. Yes he spends plenty of quality time and we provide a calm environment.

I think you have had some very good, insightful advice here. You might find that reading some books/ articles around developmental psychology, separation anxiety etc would be helpful in working out what is going on. She is only 7. This massive change in her life must be very distressing.

I think he's damaged his relationship with her by reducing from 50/50 to EOW, it's that simple. It's a choice he made. He can't expect to be an equal parent in her eyes if he doesn't parent equally.

Work and life demands fluctuate for everyone - the rest of us seem to manage to raise our kids at the same time. It makes no sense whatsoever to say that he had to do this because "work picked up". He's reaping what he sowed.

Why does he need to do the extra work now but didn’t before? What would have happened if her mum couldn’t have had her more often. It seems 50:50 is a long standing arrangement so of course she is now unsettled bless her. She is still only little,

[quote croquettesplease]@Orangebug unfortunately we can only do what we can do and sadly increasing time with DSD is not manageable at the moment, however much we want it to be. Yes he spends plenty of quality time and we provide a calm environment. [/quote]
We can only do what we can do? Are you serious? That is his child.

Is it possible to increase contact to at least one weeknight a week or just dinners? Could you have her before her dad get in? I suspect it's the lack of contact that's the issue, even every Saturday would be better than every other weekend I think.

She likely feels rejected by her dad, not surprisingly 🙄

He's building a business and it has recently become overwhelmingly busy. He is working 7 days a week! My shifts aren't set and change every week, I am also on call a lot so cannot commit to a specific day. Doing some reading is a good idea.

"I just don't know what has caused this as she was always fine before and I am beginning to dread bedtime when she is here because nothing we do or say helps her."

Err, yes you do know what has caused this, it was in your first paragraph - her spending 7/14 days with her dad has been cut to 3/14. How do you think that plays in the mind of a small child?

She has neither the vocabulary nor the emotional maturity to explain how she feels, but you and her father should have both. I expect she feels rejected. Possibly feels like an optional extra to her dad, which he has recently opted out on. So of course she's crying to get back to her mum's, where she feels secure and loved. Halving the time she spent with her dad has hammered home to her quite viscerally that her place with her dad is not secure.

Do you think other parents aren't working long hours, building up businesses etc?! Children aren't optional. You and your DH are unbelievable. No wonder the kid doesn't want any part of this shitshow

@sadpapercourtesan charming

[quote croquettesplease]@Orangebug unfortunately we can only do what we can do and sadly increasing time with DSD is not manageable at the moment, however much we want it to be. Yes he spends plenty of quality time and we provide a calm environment. [/quote]
That poor little girl, no wonder she feels so unsettled. What do you think most parents do when they have to work extra hours? They just get on with it and manage. I also feel for her mum, perhaps she has other commitments too?

A 7 year old girl went from seeing her father 50% of a week, to two days over a two week period. That's the cause of the issue. I understand that he's building a business and that takes time, but he's prioritised that over his relationship with his daughter. Now of course she's going to miss her mum when she's not with her, she's now the main caregiver and the one who gives her the most time and attention.