To be at wits end with DSD?

[croquettesplease]

DH and I shared 50/50 custody of 7 year old DSD with her mum ever since I have known him. However, in February the schedule changed as DH's work really picked up and so DH's ex now has DSD full time, with us having her every second weekend and one night during the week every second week.

Since this new arrangement has been in place DSD has cried for over an hour every single night she has been here saying she is missing her mum. We console her obviously and we try to distract but nothing works. She phones her mum crying and a few nights her mum has had to pick her up but this isn't fair as it's eating into our time with her.

However, I really am becoming quite frustrated and fed up, it's taking a good few hours to settle her at night. Last night she phoned her mum crying saying she missed her, and her mum said she had plans so couldn't pick her up, this led to DSD sobbing for over an hour in bed.

I just don't know what has caused this as she was always fine before and I am beginning to dread bedtime when she is here because nothing we do or say helps her.

“Your husband’s treatment of his child is appalling. Another crap dad who sees parenting as an optional activity around his work and expects a woman to pick up his slack.“

Harsh but has truth to it.

My Dad used to see us/not see us when it suited him. And not only for work either - for hobbies, holidays etc. These things matter to kids

Women don’t get away with this shit.

It's interesting that people have taken the feminist angle of why should mum pick up the slack, which is true, but are simultaneously talking as if OP as equally as responsible for this situation as her DH. She isn't the gatekeeper of his contact arrangement.

@EverdeRose

You're first paragraph is basically you explaining what happened. Why are you shocked that she doesn't feel comfortable in a home where she's been made go feel unwanted.

You don't get to pick and choose when it's convenient to be a parent. If he's meant to have contact 50/50 then he needs to work or find childcare around that like everyone else. Parents who haven't broken up can't just give their kids back when it's not convenient.

This. Poor little girl, no wonder she's so unsettled. Only 2 days over 2 weeks and her stepmom has started an internet thread complaining about her. I wonder why she's feeling so rejected??

@aSofaNearYou

It's interesting that people have taken the feminist angle of why should mum pick up the slack, which is true, but are simultaneously talking as if OP as equally as responsible for this situation as her DH. She isn't the gatekeeper of his contact arrangement.

Nope, but dad isn't here bitching about the kid getting on his nerves. If we was we'd have handed his arse to him.

I don’t think she is. Not whatsoever. If anything I feel sorry for her caught up in all this with a miserable stepdaughter on her hands. I probably should have said so though.

OP none of this is your doing.

I don’t k or if you are still reading OP but in addition to what’s been said by PP, has anyone explained to DSD why contact has reduced?

Many children put their own spin on a situation because, well they are children, and sometimes adults forget to explain (repeatedly so the message hits), what’s happening and why.

I'm really not surprised she's unsettled with a dad who's chosen his business over parenting properly. Exh is exactly the same with my DC and I often have to collect them when he 'can't cope' with them not settling during the times he does decide to have them.

Your DSD needs patience not frustration while she comes to terms with her new normal.

It's interesting that people have taken the feminist angle of why should mum pick up the slack, which is true, but are simultaneously talking as if OP as equally as responsible for this situation as her DH. She isn't the gatekeeper of his contact arrangement.

Agreed!

And I cannot stand this “guilty by association” attitude that is so often spouted on here when the dad does something. So fucking irritating.

Poor little girl.

As a parent, you really can’t just say that you’re too busy at work to see your child. What if mum did that too?

This child’s life has changed dramatically, yet you claim not to know why she’s unsettled and crying.

You say you’re fed up and frustrated, I would be too, but with your partner, not this little girl. He needs to sort this out.

Oh that poor little girl.

7 is so young and she already knows she is not her fathers priority. She wants her mum because that’s who keeps her safe and give her security.

Your DH really needs to reassess and quickly otherwise he’ll lose his relationship with her altogether.

And I cannot stand this “guilty by association” attitude that is so often spouted on here when the dad does something. So fucking irritating

I suspect it was OPs somewhat dismissive “we can only do what we can do” that has got posters backs up. At best she doesn’t appear concerned about the fact that her DP has dropped his DD and worst it reads as complicit.

@aSofaNearYou

It's interesting that people have taken the feminist angle of why should mum pick up the slack, which is true, but are simultaneously talking as if OP as equally as responsible for this situation as her DH. She isn't the gatekeeper of his contact arrangement.

That is true tbf, it's dad that's at fault here not op. He's not here though so people are expressing their frustration at OP instead. I think perhaps this would not have been the case if the OP had shown any shred of understanding about why the little girl was upset or shown any frustration or embarrassment about the fact that her dp has chosen to step back from parenting his own child. The tone of the first post is that dad has done something entirely reasonable in reducing the amount of time he spends with his dd and op is getting irritated by the little girl being upset.

She's feeling rejected

She thinks her dad doesn't want to see her much

He's cut contact drastically and she won't understand why

She's probably also worried he and you will cut contact further and eventually to nothing

She wants her mum because, in her eyes, her mum won't reject her

She feels rejected and is naturally clinging to her Mum hence the missing. Big change for a 7 year old, lots of love, compassion and reassurance will help.

Sounds normal and understandable to me. Not only has she gone from equal time with both parents to spending time mostly with just one, lockdowns and her and her mother being in presumably only each other’s company for the past year has probably made her cling to her mum even more. Many, many children are struggling to settle back into their usual school abs childcare routines because of lockdowns.

Also your stepdaughter can probably sense your annoyance with her whether you mean her to or not.

If the shoe was on the other foot would dh be happy that the mother decided to expand her business and he was forced to become the resident parent? Parenting isn't something you dip in and dip out of and this is an appalling state of affairs for dsd. No wonder she's upset, staying overnight with a father who doesn't want her any more.

Does she have her own room at yours?
Redecorate the room with her. Give her something to be excited about and help her look forward to spending time in her own space.
The acting out is because there's been a big change which has left her feeling insecure.
You need to re-establish security with her. Allowing her to create a space that is hers and explaining that to her along the way should help settle her.
She will have something to look forward to.

@aSofaNearYou

It's interesting that people have taken the feminist angle of why should mum pick up the slack, which is true, but are simultaneously talking as if OP as equally as responsible for this situation as her DH. She isn't the gatekeeper of his contact arrangement.

I don't think people are expecting OP to pick up the slack. They're frustrated at OP's attitude. OP seems surprised that DD is unsettled and seems to find her DSD's upset a bit of a hassle.

@aSofaNearYou

It's interesting that people have taken the feminist angle of why should mum pick up the slack, which is true, but are simultaneously talking as if OP as equally as responsible for this situation as her DH. She isn't the gatekeeper of his contact arrangement.

People are being blunt with the OP because she seems annoyed and impatient with the poor little child who is the victim of her father’s crap behaviour.

I would add that around 7/8 both of DP kids started to object to coming, never had a problem previously and it stopped as suddenly as it started.
As well as the routine change it is a tricky age and notorious for objections to contact appearing.
I’d carry on as you’re doing - lots of positive reinforcement and as much quality time with dad as possible.

My DH is currently building up a business. He’s working about 70 hours a week.

He has caring responsibilities for our DC because of my work and so works late into the night and at weekends.

I empathise that it is hard but this is his child and caring for his child should be the last thing to give.

You don’t have an issue with your stepchild. You have an issue with your husband.

At your wits end with DSD?! What an absolute liberty! Your DH has treated his DD appallingly - what sort of man dumps his child because work gets busy? No wonder she cries when she comes over to you. What a prince you married there OP.

I doubt op is coming back.... this thread did not go the way they expected