To be at wits end with DSD?

[croquettesplease]

DH and I shared 50/50 custody of 7 year old DSD with her mum ever since I have known him. However, in February the schedule changed as DH's work really picked up and so DH's ex now has DSD full time, with us having her every second weekend and one night during the week every second week.

Since this new arrangement has been in place DSD has cried for over an hour every single night she has been here saying she is missing her mum. We console her obviously and we try to distract but nothing works. She phones her mum crying and a few nights her mum has had to pick her up but this isn't fair as it's eating into our time with her.

However, I really am becoming quite frustrated and fed up, it's taking a good few hours to settle her at night. Last night she phoned her mum crying saying she missed her, and her mum said she had plans so couldn't pick her up, this led to DSD sobbing for over an hour in bed.

I just don't know what has caused this as she was always fine before and I am beginning to dread bedtime when she is here because nothing we do or say helps her.

Children like routine. Hers has undergone a massive change recently, and the new arrangement means that her routine is very much centred on her mum’s house, and time with her dad is an intermittent interruption to that. That will make it harder for her to feel happy and settled at your house.

She will hopefully get used to it. In the meantime, keep your frustration to yourself and keep offering her reassurance and support. She’s still very young and learning to deal with her emotions, but she will get there.

If there is anything your husband can do to change or reduce his hours to give her more contact time, that would be helpful. I understand that work pressures can make things difficult, but there may be compromises he can make that allow him to spend more time with his daughter.

Her mother has been there for her throughout, literally. Her father hasn't. it isn't rocket science. Her trust that her father is there for her has been seriously damaged.

She’s been ‘rejected’ by one parent (in her mind) so she’s unsettled, anxious and desperate to go back to her mum. She’s not being purposely annoying by refusing to settle. She’s obviously upset at the moment.

Why not let her stay at her mum’s and gradually build up the time with her dad from scratch, especially if he’s busy anyway at the minute.

I’m going to guess it’s because her routine has been hugely upset and she’s now spending the vast majority of her life with her Mum rather than Dad so she’s understandably more attached to her. She’s only 7, it must be a huge adjustment for her.

I agree.

Can she come for tea a couple of times a week?
This will make her comfortable being there without the need to stay over.

Essentially her dad has semi binned her. Her mum is now her absolute rock. She's probably terrified to let mum out of her sight in case mum might do the same as dad. She's 7. Your DH needs to give his fucking head a wobble.

I don't think OP is coming back, but I'm sure the usual suspects who say kids just need to put up with flaky parenting and the stepmum has every right to be frustrated will turn up soon.

I am curious though.. what would've happened if her mum had refused to alter the 50/50 arrangement?

Mumsnet is a funny place, and you sometimes see some really bizarre viewpoints.

So when you get a post where pretty much everyone is agreeing, it's a rare event. This is one of those times.

No one is suggesting OP picks up the slack, but she seems to think that dropping the contact is perfectly fine and is bewildered why a little girl is struggling. The "we can only do what we can do" comment sums up the problem with OP's attitude.

No doubt OP will just shrug all this off because she seems to think it's OK for her DP to not bother with his daughter as much because his business has got really busy. Because, priorities, right?

Let's hope her mum's work doesn't pick up so she can't only look after her child 30% of the time.

YAB massively U. She's a seven year old child who's whole routine has been uprooted and I'm sure she'd rather be with her mum that her step mum who is 'at her wit's end' over a normal child's reaction to change.

@pictish

Women don’t get away with this shit.

This.

Although apparently some condone it.

Of course she misses her stable parent.

Parents don't get to opt out of parenting when it suits their career.

Your should be at the end of your tether with your dh not your dsd. He is showing you what sort of a parent he is.

@sadpapercourtesan

Do you think other parents aren't working long hours, building up businesses etc?! Children aren't optional. You and your DH are unbelievable. No wonder the kid doesn't want any part of this shitshow

Have to admit as a single parent who has no ex partner around this was my first thought.

If he's working provide childcare like the rest of the adult population. Being there when they wake and go to bed matters and dd has had this time cut by about 30% with her dad.

Your DH needs to decide if he wants to be a dad or wants to be a business owner.

He needs to sort out childcare or employ staff - it push his dd aside.

Poor kid has had to deal with in-out crazy shitshow of covid restrictions, school closures, not seeing friends family etc for the last year, and now she’s been bumped down her dads priority list.

Poor kid, please try and see this from a scared and confused 7 year olds point of view. She needs stability and empathy.

The hellish bedtimes are a phase - she’s thrown and needs to know she’s safe and secure and her dads, that even though everything has changed, his and your love for her hasn’t. I’m going to echo above giving in and mum picking her up will reinforce only mum will do feelings. You’ve got to work through this and “prove” to her that you’re both still part of her life.

Ps. I run two successful businesses, and I will still always make time for my kids.

As has been clearly pointed out your DH has behaved poorly towards his daughter.

His daughters response isn't surprising.

I suppose that boarding school is an option if mum wants to start a business in the future.

@itsgettingwierd couldn't agree more. But instead of paying for childcare and parenting properly he's just defaulted to her mum who'll do it for free. Shocking. It's lazy, selfish parenting and his little girl will know she's not his priority.

In your first sentence (I think) you explained that your DH chose his work over his daughter. Perhaps your DSD no longer feels as safe and secure with her dad as he has cut contact with her so much. Her mum now represents her main source of security. That is why she is crying. She can’t articulate that she no longer feels safe at her dads.

Yes I agree with that, but depending on how the situation is being handled (ie if OP is having to deal with it rather than her DH), it may be a hassle for her. This should really all be directed at her DH.

This is something her dad needs to sort out with her mum
I would encourage your Dh to contact the ex and arrange a way to fix this.
Sorry you’re not getting sleep but there’s nothing you can do except try to steer them in the right direction. That poor girl. She’s obviously struggling. Seems she needs to spend more time with her dad. Poor soul.

Your whole post is about what an inconvenience her being upset is to you.

Sometimes I think stepmothers get a really hard time on mn and then I read post like yours and realise why that is.

Poor little girl, a dad who is more interested in his business and a step mother who is fed up with her expressing the hurt she feels at being rejected.

Poor little girl, but this is about her father's decision re his business and it is really, really unfair to pile onto the OP.

The OP is NOT this child's mother.

She has a mother, who obviously prioritises her child where as her father does not.

It is NOT a step mothers position to change her working life for her step child.

The father has made this decision to prioritisehis new business and assume his ex will step in.

Very poor behaviour on his part.

Of course the poor little mite must be confused, upset, and feeling rejected, BUT it is NOT the OP's fault.

This is down to the childs father and him alone.

[quote croquettesplease]@Orangebug unfortunately we can only do what we can do and sadly increasing time with DSD is not manageable at the moment, however much we want it to be. Yes he spends plenty of quality time and we provide a calm environment. [/quote]
Presumably if she was your child together and you had her 100% you would have to sort something out!

It does feel a bit like she has become an inconvenience for you, poor kid. Children really do pick up on that kind of vibe.

I'm 43 and in floods of tears reading this because I was DSD (and also possibly hormonal and just back from unaccustomed excerise). I hope OP's DSD isn't still upset about this in 34 years' time but I suspect she might be.

@billy1966

Absolutely agree it's not the OP's fault but she seems to think that the fact he's chosen to put his business first and has drastically cut down the time with his daughter is totally fine. She's defending his actions while simultaneously asking why the daughter is behaving so badly.

It's not her responsibility but anyone with half a heart can see what's going on - and why putting your business ahead of seeing your children regularly is fucking awful. OP seems to think that's perfectly fine - and that's why she's getting fire for it all.

@FloraPostIt

I'm 43 and in floods of tears reading this because I was DSD (and also possibly hormonal and just back from unaccustomed excerise). I hope OP's DSD isn't still upset about this in 34 years' time but I suspect she might be.

Sending you a hug x

Aw your poor DSD! Some kids find it hard to adapt to change, especially when it comes to living between parents (my exH has mine EOW and if the schedule changes they don't always take it too well) and they show this through emotion. I say, call mummy to say hello but stay here because that's the arrangement and she'll get through it. Routine is good for kids so stick your heels in