To be at wits end with DSD?

[croquettesplease]

DH and I shared 50/50 custody of 7 year old DSD with her mum ever since I have known him. However, in February the schedule changed as DH's work really picked up and so DH's ex now has DSD full time, with us having her every second weekend and one night during the week every second week.

Since this new arrangement has been in place DSD has cried for over an hour every single night she has been here saying she is missing her mum. We console her obviously and we try to distract but nothing works. She phones her mum crying and a few nights her mum has had to pick her up but this isn't fair as it's eating into our time with her.

However, I really am becoming quite frustrated and fed up, it's taking a good few hours to settle her at night. Last night she phoned her mum crying saying she missed her, and her mum said she had plans so couldn't pick her up, this led to DSD sobbing for over an hour in bed.

I just don't know what has caused this as she was always fine before and I am beginning to dread bedtime when she is here because nothing we do or say helps her.

@croquettesplease I forgot to ask, do you have any other children in the house or are you expecting at all?

And in defence of the OP's OH - if he was still with his ex I imagine they be making an arrangement whereby he says "I'm starting my own business so family time will cut down a bit temporarily, and you'll have to do more bedtimes/bath times pick ups if you can" and she'd be ok with that because, well, that's just life! Presumably his ex DID agree to it?

What does working 7 days a week have to do with how much time he has care of his daughter?! The child’s mother isn’t there to provide childcare for him. He should have just got on with the role of being a parent at the same time as working, you know, like the vast majority of people 🙄

She doesn’t want to be there because, quite correctly, she’s picked up that her father would much rather she wasn’t. He sees her as an inconvenience that he just has to deal with sometimes, and can pick and choose when he sees her. Poor girl.

I don’t understand this at all. He should not be working more hours than he can look after his child 50% of the time.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

And in defence of the OP's OH - if he was still with his ex I imagine they be making an arrangement whereby he says "I'm starting my own business so family time will cut down a bit temporarily, and you'll have to do more bedtimes/bath times pick ups if you can" and she'd be ok with that because, well, that's just life! Presumably his ex DID agree to it?

Yes, one of the be edits of a nuclear family as presumably the OP OH's ex-wife would be benefiting from his a tea work as opposed to just providing very subsidised childcare. 50:50 means just that. I turned down a job that would have tripled my salary because it would have meant too much travel and not feasible with kids as I wouldn't be around enough. I wouldn't have dreamt of simply telling my DH that I'd just look after the kids EOW instead so I could take it. Unfortunately, being a parent often means sacrificing your own wants.

Thankfully it sounds like the little girl has one parent who puts her needs above their's.

I doubt OP will be back.

OP, is your post for real?
Your husband is being unreasonable. That poor girl is feeling rejected that's why she misses her mum - the only person who truly cares about her.

Children's response to a drop in contact with a parent is often to cling more to the other one. It's essentially because the other parent feels more "reliable". My DH recently has gone back to being at the office 3 days a week after a year working primarily from home. He is leaving early in the morning and isnt back for bedtime. Almost overnight our 2 children (4 and rising 2) have gone onto a huge "mummy phase" in response, crying for me to put them to bed on the nights he IS home.

I do think it's a HUGE drop from 50/50 every other weekend and one other week night a fortnight. If its totally unavoidable I would have phased down to it over 6 months or something.

But I do slightly agree with pps, is it really the only option he has? Really? She is just 7 years old, she's probably really missing her dad.

[quote ExhaustedFlamingo]@billy1966

Absolutely agree it's not the OP's fault but she seems to think that the fact he's chosen to put his business first and has drastically cut down the time with his daughter is totally fine. She's defending his actions while simultaneously asking why the daughter is behaving so badly.

It's not her responsibility but anyone with half a heart can see what's going on - and why putting your business ahead of seeing your children regularly is fucking awful. OP seems to think that's perfectly fine - and that's why she's getting fire for it all.[/quote]
I don't disagree with you but it is his child.

His priority is HIS business.

He's thrown his child under a bus because his business comes first.

Appalling behaviour.

But it isn't the OP's responsibility.

The poor little thing obviously feels terribly upset when she is with her father in response to what she perceives as his rejection of her.

Just awful.

But still not the OP's responsibility.

She has come on here in good faith looking for advice.

My advice to her would be get her father to settle her at night and deal with her tears and the fallout of his revised priorities.

I can only imagine what his ex must think.

His daughter will never forget how he has made her feel.

Their little hearts are so fragile.

If I was the OP I would be judging her husband.

I agree she should be judging her husband @billy1966. But she's not. She's frustrated and fed up that a little girl is missing her daddy.

When you become a stepmother, you have a responsibility to be kind to the children you take on. I am not sensing much kindness, just frustration.

Could her dad go and see her when he finishes work in the evening even if just briefly? If it's too awkward to go in his ex's house they could just have a quick stroll. I think if he is a really caring dad he will find a way to reconnect with her, I'm not sure there is anything you can do other than encourage him to visit her. I would also encourage him to ring her mum and discuss their daughter and try to come up with a plan.

She's gone from having two primary carers to one. She's adjusting to the disruption of having lost a primary carer and no longer views your house as her "home". Hence being unsettled at bedtime.

If you want practical advice, get your DH to take her out for long walks and strenuous activities when she's with you (essentially keep her active and tire her out). This is how boarding-schools manage young boarders and sensible parents manage sleepovers with pre-teens to avoid tears at bedtime. You need to wear them out so they fall into bed at night and go straight to sleep.

[quote croquettesplease]@Orangebug unfortunately we can only do what we can do and sadly increasing time with DSD is not manageable at the moment, however much we want it to be. Yes he spends plenty of quality time and we provide a calm environment. [/quote]
I can’t see how you can suddenly decide that 50% is too much

Yeah I'm usually all up for defending SPs on here but no, I can't with this sorry.

It's entirely obvious why she's upset, her father has just cut his time with her by more than half.

Unless this overwhelming busy period is very temporary whilst he sorts things out... then you are both being vvv unreasonable.

Be a workaholic who has no time for anything but work if you want, but NOT when you have other priorities such as children.

Surely the bloody point of self employment is a better work/life balance, he CAN choose his own hours to a certain degree, more so than someone employed by someone else can - if he can't then.. he's doing it wrong!
A business that won't survive if one person steps away a couple of days a week is not actually a viable concern long term.

Poor child.

Yabu and so is her father. It's also very unfair on the ex. Children arent optional, he needs to get his priorities right and you need to be more understanding.

I do find this very sad. I know that the OP doesn’t have any legal responsibility for her DSD, but her lack of concern for her distress is really hard to understand. No wonder that little girl is crying to go back to her mum!

My DSis is a stepmum. She was the primary carer for her DSS for several years when his mum moved away with her new partner and he spent EOW with her. She was a SAHM, with her own DC (she has three now). She loves her DSS as much as her own DC, though he calls her by her first name and she’s always been careful not to step on his mum’s toes.

I’m not saying that the OP should take that kind of responsibility; my BIL always was the residential parent so my DSis knew that he and his DS were a package and embraced that. It’s the lack of empathy that makes me feel really sorry for her DSD.

I am also wondering how much quality time
Your DSD gets with her dad when he is working 7 days a week!!!
Of course she wants to be with her mum she is only one putting her first