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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be at wits end with DSD?

143 replies

croquettesplease · 09/05/2021 11:45

DH and I shared 50/50 custody of 7 year old DSD with her mum ever since I have known him. However, in February the schedule changed as DH's work really picked up and so DH's ex now has DSD full time, with us having her every second weekend and one night during the week every second week.

Since this new arrangement has been in place DSD has cried for over an hour every single night she has been here saying she is missing her mum. We console her obviously and we try to distract but nothing works. She phones her mum crying and a few nights her mum has had to pick her up but this isn't fair as it's eating into our time with her.

However, I really am becoming quite frustrated and fed up, it's taking a good few hours to settle her at night. Last night she phoned her mum crying saying she missed her, and her mum said she had plans so couldn't pick her up, this led to DSD sobbing for over an hour in bed.

I just don't know what has caused this as she was always fine before and I am beginning to dread bedtime when she is here because nothing we do or say helps her.

OP posts:

LuaDipa · 09/05/2021 12:29

@Thatisnotwhatisaid

In her little seven year old mind it's probably a way of acting out at her dad about the massive cut in time but not being able to articulate it.

I think this is also true. She’s gone from seeing him 50% of the time to no more than 20% of the time. She’s only 7, go easy on her.

Sorry but this makes sense.

She is 7 and your dh has shown her exactly how much of a priority she is to him. Thankfully she knows that her dm is not busy ‘building a business’ and I suspect that even if she was she would do so around her dc. Yabvu.

SpeedRunParent · 09/05/2021 12:30

I have to agree with a lot of these comments. It's not a pony that you can stick on full livery when life gets busier.
I'm not even criticising the decision to scale back the time her dad takes care of her ( although that is a pretty drastic change for such a youngster), it's your utter lack of understanding that leaves me bewildered.
She is a young child, she can't possibly rationalise the situation the way an adult can.
Please, OP, get some articles on developmental psychology and help yourself and her through this.

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2021 12:31

I think it's normal she's doing this, sadly, we've had similar from DSS at various points. He gets emotional by default if he's up past a certain point. All I can say is your DH should be dealing with it himself.

Redjumper1 · 09/05/2021 12:32

If your DH works 7 days a week then how is he really available to see her properly when she is with him? Does she mainly spend her time with you? It is possible she does miss her Mum. If her Dad is v busy and SM is resentful perhaps she would rather just be with her Mum.

3JsMa · 09/05/2021 12:34

She is only 7,her routine changed massively and she spends majority of her time with her mum.How do you wish 7 year old,torn between 2 households to behave?
I think she is also sensing your uneasiness around her hence her behaviour.Yes,it may take time to settle her but is it such a huge sacrifice to help this child feel loved and happy?
Instead of concentrating on negatives,can you create something special when she comes to make her feel welcome?You can distract her with simple things that you can do together ie.baking,having a movie of her choice and popcorn,walk and ice cream to favourite place,asking her for a suggestion for bed time reading or just doing something that she really enjoys.Fretting around her behaviour will make you all ore tense and upset.She is a child that counts on adults to show her positive things.

GeorgeandHarold66 · 09/05/2021 12:34

Yep, echo what other posters have said. She's 7, her dad rejected her in favour of a business so she wants her mum who didn't reject her and is therefore her safe person.
Meanwhile her stepmum (and I'm guessing dad too) don't understand what's behind this and so are impatient with her and call mum to collect her when it gets too hard.

She needs her dad to prioritise her and prove to her that she's important to him and that he's there for her when things get tough. Perhaps sit down and have a talk about how you can get the message across.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/05/2021 12:35

It strikes me that you're lucky her mum will put her daughter first and accommodate what you and your DH can co and she'll pick up the slack the rest of the time.
I say this from the point of view of a parent who's ex does just that - picks and chooses what he can and can't do dependant on his job and it's me that just has to put up with it to facilitate a relationship between DS and his dad.

You should stick to the 50% shared and make arrangements for the times you're working and need childcare like the rest of us have to do - not pass her back to her mum stating you have to work.

GeorgeandHarold66 · 09/05/2021 12:37

@Milkand2sugarsplease

It strikes me that you're lucky her mum will put her daughter first and accommodate what you and your DH can co and she'll pick up the slack the rest of the time. I say this from the point of view of a parent who's ex does just that - picks and chooses what he can and can't do dependant on his job and it's me that just has to put up with it to facilitate a relationship between DS and his dad.

You should stick to the 50% shared and make arrangements for the times you're working and need childcare like the rest of us have to do - not pass her back to her mum stating you have to work.

I wonder what dad would have done if mum had responded by saying "actually I'm working really hard too and was hoping to only have her 6 days a month myself"

Voomster953 · 09/05/2021 12:40

Normally I try to defend the stepparents against an inevitable pile on, but this post is so bewilderingly ignorant, I’m not sure I can.

Is there a chance with her dad being ‘sooooo busy’ building his business he actually doesn’t do much with her when she is in the house, so she spends her time with a frustrated stepmother or on her own? In which case, no wonder she misses her mum

AnUnoriginalUsername · 09/05/2021 12:44

Since this new arrangement has been in place DSD has cried for over an hour every single night she has been here

I just don't know what has caused this as she was always fine before

Young child has been rejected by her dad and now hardly ever sees him. Gets upset at night due to disruption and suddenly spending very little time with her dad.

Also, what's the plan for when her mums work picks up and she doesn't have time for the kid either?

knowsmorethansnow · 09/05/2021 12:45

What happens if the mum's work increases? Who does the poor girl get sent to them? He shouldn't have taken on more work than he could handle with his child care commitments. If it was a child between the two of you, it wouldn't have been handed back.

AliceMcK · 09/05/2021 12:45

She’s a 7yo child. It is common for children this age to become upset and clingy like this, even without to the change in routine and time with her dad. Right now her mum is her constant and she needs that.

You need to start having some empathy and stop taking it personally as she will 100% be picking up on your negativity.

Maddison44 · 09/05/2021 12:45

Agree with most comments here. If it was yours and your Dh child what would you do. You couldn't only have her every 2nd weekend. Your DH would have to work out his hours better and use childcare or family to help like other people have to.
She needs a lot of care now and reassurance but it's only for a few short years .

Cocomelt · 09/05/2021 12:47

Hey OP,

I haven't read all of the replies but I've been through something similar with my DD aged 10.

During the first lockdown DDs dad started working away, so instead of seeing her eow it was more like every 6 weeks. Due to the lockdown she was with me 24/7 & became very very clingy, to the point she was sleeping in my bed every night too.

DD's dad's job changed again before xmas & we went back to the the usual EOW arrangement. DD didn't cope well with this at all, she didn't want to go & when she did go she was crying at night for me & her time there was cut short. It has gotten better over time and now she's back to happily spending time with her dad.

One thing that DD's dad & SM did was allow her to read at bedtime, something she always does at home but wasn't allowed to there, it was bedtime and lights out. Is her routine at home different to her mums? If so maybe you could adjust your routine to help her settle.

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2021 12:48

Could her dad start face timing her each evening to do a story (if he mum says its ok). Start building his time a bit again

JackANackAnoreeee · 09/05/2021 12:49

I'm not surprised she's unsettled, when you have a child that's meant to be your top priority. You fit your work schedule around the child. Do you think I could just pick up DC from school at 7pm and say 'sorry 3:30 pick ups are just not possible for me at the moment'. She sounds more like a hobby to you guys which you pick up and drop as your schedule allows.

Landofthefree · 09/05/2021 12:55

Can DH take on extra staff for his business to cut his hours down?

prsphne · 09/05/2021 13:01

@croquettesplease

He's building a business and it has recently become overwhelmingly busy. He is working 7 days a week! My shifts aren't set and change every week, I am also on call a lot so cannot commit to a specific day. Doing some reading is a good idea.

And what if her Mum wanted to start a new business? Or is she not allowed as the burden of childcare falls to her if Dad chooses not to do it?

At the risk of getting preachy and uber-feminist, this is why we have a gender pay gap and women fall behind in the workplace, because men expect women to pick up the slack when they throw themselves into work. He shouldn't have made those choices if it meant sacrificing time with his DD. Poor girl, poor Mum.

Twistered · 09/05/2021 13:02

You don't have a dsd problem, you have a dh problem. Sounds like she's been dropped like a hot potato and just expected to get on with it. Wee pet.
Her mum sounds very good by the way. It must be difficult for her knowing her wee girl is getting upset. Manys an ex would be stopping contact if it was upsetting the child

user648482729 · 09/05/2021 13:09

I won’t repeat what has been said in terms of why she’s getting so upset; we’ve had similar experiences and as harsh as this sounds it’s not very helpful long term for her mum to pick her up when she’s upset or probably even to phone her. We found that doing that just made DSD feel that only her mum could make her feel better when really we needed to find ways to console her. The main way we did this in the end was just to cuddle her and try to distract her; telling funny stories, reading books etc until she fell asleep. It made bedtime long but it was a phase we got through. The main time it happened was when DSD moved and even though our contact with her hadn’t changed the rest of her life had and it was a reaction to that.
I think the FaceTiming idea is also good so that she doesn’t feel she has big gaps. Also does she bring a cuddly toy from home? We found that helped DSD as a bit of a transition item and also a calendar so she could count the days until she saw us again and until she saw her mum again.

Branleuse · 09/05/2021 13:13

are you saying he is also working on his contact times if hes doign 7 days a week, and you are looking after her?

3scape · 09/05/2021 13:19

She probably feels rejected as a result of the new arrangements. My children have a lot of anger about regularly being let down by their father and are now talking through those issues. A one off, she'll hopefully move forward but it's her world and it has dramatically changed.

Wishitsnows · 09/05/2021 13:19

What if her mum needs to increase her hours or is it only acceptable if a man does this and she now has to work around him?

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 09/05/2021 13:19

@JackANackAnoreeee

This. Your husband’s treatment of his child is appalling. Another crap dad who sees parenting as an optional activity around his work and expects a woman to pick up his slack. How can you be attracted to a man like that? Let’s hope your not planning on making more babies with him, or if you do you at least have your eyes open about the sexist you’re married to.

ThatIsMyPotato · 09/05/2021 13:21

Is your husband doing most of the care when she is with you? You shouldn't be getting involved in bedtime really, he should.

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