To be at wits end with DSD?

[croquettesplease]

DH and I shared 50/50 custody of 7 year old DSD with her mum ever since I have known him. However, in February the schedule changed as DH's work really picked up and so DH's ex now has DSD full time, with us having her every second weekend and one night during the week every second week.

Since this new arrangement has been in place DSD has cried for over an hour every single night she has been here saying she is missing her mum. We console her obviously and we try to distract but nothing works. She phones her mum crying and a few nights her mum has had to pick her up but this isn't fair as it's eating into our time with her.

However, I really am becoming quite frustrated and fed up, it's taking a good few hours to settle her at night. Last night she phoned her mum crying saying she missed her, and her mum said she had plans so couldn't pick her up, this led to DSD sobbing for over an hour in bed.

I just don't know what has caused this as she was always fine before and I am beginning to dread bedtime when she is here because nothing we do or say helps her.

Erm... it’s your own fault for giving up time with her.
Don’t know why you’re blaming the child for this.

Poor little girl.

If he has increased his hours he needs to arrange childcare for those hours, he chose to become a parent, he doesn’t get to dump his little girl because thats the convenient and cheap option.

Oh your poor dad, op.

I haven't read all the replies you've had but I get the gist.

Obviously, yes the change in habits has had an affect on her and it will take time to adjust. I also think there are times when children of similar ages can become naturally more clingy and emotional, its part of growing up. No doubt in this case impacted by the recent changes.

Give it time and focus on making her feel as secure as possible and keep routines as familiar and cosy as possible. Consistency is as important as attention now, I really like the pp idea of matching her bedtime routine at her mums.

I grew up with a similar split of time between parents households and spoke to the absent parent every night on the phone, even if just for a few minutes. I'd definitely recommend it for building that sense of security and connection.

Her mum is her main carer, her default safe space. Of course she is homesick for her when she isn't there, she's only 7!

Dh should be doing whatever it takes to help her settle at night. Even a totally resident child sometimes takes an hour to settle at night. Can he not just get into bed with her and cuddle till she sleeps?

He should be carving out more time for her. Good job her mum prioritises her.

*dsd not dad

if he was a single parent to her, how would he start up his own business?
What if the childs mum started up her own business and decided she couldnt have the child even 50/50 either?

Poor kid. He doesnt have the luxury of working all the hours 7 days a week when he has parenting responsibilities.

Your DH has picked his business over time with his daughter, and these are the consequences.

You can't just drop contact with your child by over 50% (from 50% of the time to 20%) and expect it to be plain sailing.

What did you both expect to happen? No wonder she's upset - she's seven years old!

I’m not surprised she’s struggling.
I also understand why you’re getting frustrated as watching a child in distress is hard.
Others have given good advice and I have to say I agree with them.
This is a child not a pet or a hobby.
What if her mum suddenly decides that looking after her is currently ‘not manageable’? What happens then? Parenting a child that you chose to have should be optional.
Personally I think your household needs a rethink and to step up to the responsibility of this child..

Your dh has shown his dd exactly where she is in his priorities. No wonder she's upset. Thank goodness her mum is putting the extra effort in.

She probably doesn't feel too high on her daddy's priority list. Her mum is her constant, she is reliable, she hasn't cut time with her. With her mum is where she feels safe, secure and wanted.

I don't normally comment on things like this but oh my god, poor little girl. She has been rejected by her father and has understandably built an even stronger attachment to her mother. Then to make things worse a step mother who finds her frustrating because she is homesick. I often wonder how most adults would cope with being treated like this.

It's a tough one.. But I honestly don't understand why you can't see that she's missing her mum if her mum has had her full time since the decrease in contact. Poor girl must be feeling rejected by her Father :( I don't think you come across as very sensitive towards your DSD and how she's feeling.. It's not about distracting her or getting fed up because it takes a long time to settle her.. It's about letting her know her mum is there when she gets home and her dad loves her just as much as mum and that he really looks forward to his time with her and that he doesn't want her to be sad.
I'm struggling to understand why you can't see she misses her mum.

@Devastatedyetagain

I don't normally comment on things like this but oh my god, poor little girl. She has been rejected by her father and has understandably built an even stronger attachment to her mother. Then to make things worse a step mother who finds her frustrating because she is homesick. I often wonder how most adults would cope with being treated like this.

Basically this.

If he's working 7 days a week how is he seeing her at all? No wonder she just wants her mum. It sounds like he is completely prioritising work over her which is very sad.

@idontlikealdi

In her little seven year old mind it's probably a way of acting out at her dad about the massive cut in time but not being able to articulate it.

Yes, this is it. And so she cries for her mother because that's where she does feel safe and wanted.

Did your husband not think of this?

I’m so sorry but I must agree with the others. Your dh has chosen his business over his daughter and she knows it. He doesn’t want her around as much any more because he’s got something more interesting to do. That’s how it’ll feel for her. That’s why she is crying to go back to mum.

Parenting is not a hobby, as someone else has pointed out. You can’t just decide you’ve got other priorities and duck out on a whim. So he’s building a business...aren’t we all?

And sorry if this isn’t what you wanted or expected to hear. But hey.

I tend to think that step parents on MN get a hard time, but sheesh, she’s 7 and her world has been severely disrupted. Why do people get into relationships with existing young children if you can’t cope with less than perfect behaviour for the occasional hours you have to host them? Poor kid.

If you had a child between you, what would you have done with them if work hours increased?

Your DH had responsibility for his child 50:50, he should still have that responsibility

@croquettesplease

He's building a business and it has recently become overwhelmingly busy. He is working 7 days a week! My shifts aren't set and change every week, I am also on call a lot so cannot commit to a specific day. Doing some reading is a good idea.

So his priorities lie with his business, her routine has changed and now she feels stressed about going to her dads. She needs understanding and time.

Good job her mums there to pick up the slack

You're first paragraph is basically you explaining what happened. Why are you shocked that she doesn't feel comfortable in a home where she's been made go feel unwanted.

You don't get to pick and choose when it's convenient to be a parent. If he's meant to have contact 50/50 then he needs to work or find childcare around that like everyone else. Parents who haven't broken up can't just give their kids back when it's not convenient.

What happens if her mum’s work picks up and she can only have her EOW and one week night a fortnight? Who steps in to have her on the week nights that neither parent can fit her in to their work schedule? Or is that a luxury only available to dad? Because we all know mum wouldn’t take on work that left her unable to care for her child 80% of the time. Is all the money he is earning for the extra work being passed over to DSD?

I understand that but then wouldn't that mean she would be crying at her mums about missing her dad rather than other way about?

She most likely did and still does cry about missing her dad but not much her mum can do about that. Your DSD feels rejected by her dad and wants the security of her mum.

YABU. Seven year old feels rejected because her dad is choosing his business over her, and you’re surprised she’s not settled?

Parenting his child is not optional. Her mother can’t just decide she doesn’t have time for 50/50 custody, her dad shouldn’t be able to just opt out either.