To be cross with our childminder?

[ranging]

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

DD is old enough to start learning about consequences. This is very minor and a lesson I hope the child can learn from. Seems very measured and sensible to me.

YABU

The big deal is that he needs to get OUT of the car. What do you expect a childminder looking after several other children, to do? The bigger picture is that she hasn't got time to stand there pandering to a stubborn 2 year old, nobody has time for that and how is she supposed to wrangle the other children if she has to carry the aforementioned stubborn 2 year old?

She refused her shoes, her feet got wet and muddy. Lesson learned. Now she knows that actually she does want them on outside.

I'm guessing you'd have wheedled cajoled or bribed your daughter to put them on then?

Your childminder is doing her best. You child is biting and so on. Discipline is needed and this was a practical tactic regarding refusal to wear shoes. Lesson learned. I would be thankful.

She’s an excellent childminder. Bet it won’t happen again. She should run parenting classes.

By putting her in the buggy, you're rewarding her for not putting on shoes and socks.

DD is also very sensitive to getting wet and dirty, she hates even having the slightest bit of food or dirt on her clothes or skin and can sometimes get quite distressed. CM knows this.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Actions=consequences.

That is a good tactic for toddlers. Being on the ground for a couple of minutes didn’t hurt her. You don’t get frostbite or trench foot in May in England from briefly standing on wet ground.

This! 👍🏼🤣

@Clymene

By putting her in the buggy, you're rewarding her for not putting on shoes and socks.

She doesn't like going in the buggy.

There were other ways of dealing with the incident, which I wouldn’t even notice if my son did... so what if he doesn’t want his shoes and socks on? What’s the big deal if he’s in the car?

Well, as is clear from the OP, this child needed to get out of the car. She didn't want to put her shoes and socks back on so she got out of the car without them and then realised just why she needed them. So, she learnt why we wear socks and shoes and no damage was done.

Absolutely acceptable approach. Had to do it once when DD was a toddler. Walked few meters to the car with no wellies on in the rain 🤷‍♀️

@ConsuelaHammock

She’s an excellent childminder. Bet it won’t happen again. She should run parenting classes.

How can you possibly conclude that she should run parenting classes based on this one event?

Well Op. you use consequences with DD when she is being awkward, so surely you support your CM doing the same?

My youngest two refused to put their socks and boots on at my brothers when they were toddlers, their 4 siblings were ready and waiting so I said fine and out they went in their bare feet. They hadn’t realised that the cattle had just been brought in across the yard until they stood in the inevitable. Hosed them down by the barn dried off with the dogs sacking and socks and boots on faster than ever before. Never did it again

@tentosix

Well Op. you use consequences with DD when she is being awkward, so surely you support your CM doing the same?

At what point did I say I opposed our CM using consequences? I think I've made it clear that I am just saying it didn't sit right with me.

I once took ds to school in his pj's as he was being a right pita dawdling in the mornings

I took my DS to school in pants, vest shoes and a blazer. We barely got 100m before he wanted to go back for his trousers and shirt.

It might be something a parent would do, but it's way out of line for a child minder.

The main reason I would choose a childminder is that I would want them to parent my child in my absence. What else are they supposed to do? If you just want your child given shelter and food you could leave them in a dog cage...

DD is also very sensitive to getting wet and dirty, she hates even having the slightest bit of food or dirt on her clothes or skin and can sometimes get quite distressed. CM knows this.

Then it will have been a very effective lesson, with hopefully no need for it to be repeated.

You would have put your child in her buggy to get her to the house because she won't put shoes and socks on? I think you're misunderstanding what a consequence for bad behaviour is.

Maybe you think you are showing her a consequence for bad behaviour on other things, but I don't think you are in reality. Toddlers have bad days sure, but sounds like yours is many bad days because she knows she gets away with it. She's now learnt she can't with the child minder, although she'll no doubt push boundaries again at some point and learn again it's a no.

If you want to complain to her about it, go ahead, but it would be a mistake. You may lose a very good childminder and be stuck trying to find a new one.

How many buggies can the CM have though? If she needed her out of the car, what was the alternative? Carry her? Should she carry ALL the children in her care too, at the same time??

How many other children is the childminder looking after?

She might not like going in the buggy but then (from a toddler's perspective) she is being "forced" to do something else she doesn't like.

Buggy or socks and shoes?

What the CM has done is shown your DD the benefits of socks and shoes and now your DD is making a positive choice to wear them.

That's much better for her. Her choice to wear now.

Childminders have other kids to care for, she did it and it worked. Do you really expect all tne other kids to wait while the childminder panders to one child? They take the toddlers on the school run, they carnt allow one stubborn toddler to make them late.

Stop making excuses. CM sounds like she dealt with it very well.

If it helps OP I was advised to do this exact thing by a health professional when I was struggling to deal with my very feisty daughter.

Sadly for me it didn't work ("she'll give in eventually" advised said professional, "probably before you're down the front path"). She walked 1 mile to school in just socks on a filthy wet day, steadfastly refusing further offers of dry socks and her shoes. and then refused for an hour at school to change out of the wet filthy socks. I didn't give in though , or force her (as advised ) but the looks I got from other parents , I just ignored and walked on. Jesus. She's a lovely young woman now (just as feisty ).