To be cross with our childminder?

[ranging]

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

I think that's fair enough. I've done it with my own kids. It works. I wouldn't be bothered if their creche did it.

What would you have done op? Bearing in mind you have other children with you and need to get somewhere?

To pp I would expect it less in a nursery because there would be other staff to stay inside with her but what else would the childminder do, toddlers can hold out for hours if they don't want to do something.

My DD didn't want her socks and wellies when it snowed and insisted on opening the door and walking out in to the snow....soon came back in and wanted them on it's how they learn what things are for

I think nurseries have more staff to deal with

What would you have preferred/expected the childminder to do? Wait outside in the cold and wet with the two or three other children while your toddler refuses to put her socks and shoes on? Begged her/bribed her to do as she was asked while getting other children out of the car and keeping them safe? Expected her to stand there bargaining with a two year old for however long it took for your daughter to decide to put her socks on? Or try to manhandle her into her socks and shoes and possibly get big or bitten?
Seriously, what harm do you believe your child came to when her feet were briefly touching muddy ground?

I would have done this with my dd and would be perfectly happy with my childminder doing it. It would teach her that unless she keeps her shoes and socks on when out walking, her feet will get muddy and cold. She’ll learn a lot faster from this method, that actions have consequences, than trying to reason with her

@SmidgenofaPigeon

She had other kids to deal with. She’s working. She’s not going to spend ages wheedling and cajoling with a stubborn tantruming toddler (which is also not the best way to deal with toddlers) and end up being hit and bit.

Agree with this.

It was safer and far more effective than attempting to encourage the shoes and socks back on. In my opinion she did the right thing.

I think it’s fine. The childminder was using natural consequence to show your child why she needed to wear her shoes. Presumably after that happened your dd knew she needed to wear her shoes, so problem solved.

Would you have preferred the CM to use physical force to get the shoes on? Or would you have preferred her to hang around outside the car for however long it took for your dd to change her mind?

If you’re going to criticise this method of teaching your child, then you have to have the prefect solution ready to go in it’s place.

Couldhavebeenme2 I had to do that on several occasions with ds when he wouldn't shift himself for school. He starts work in my office next month, and he has been told that the same will apply if he looks like making me late for work.

Mud won't have done your child any harm at all. I don't think the cm did anything wrong.

I once started taking DS to school in his PJs because he didn't want to get dressed, we only got to the end of the drive before he was begging to get his clothes on. These methods work on young children, they are not harmed by them.

Also advised a friend to let her DC go out without coat in winter,bit only takes a couple of minutes and drama avoided.

Tricky. I would definitely have done that to my own children and I remember having that discussion with the childminder that if it happened she was fine to do that with my children.. assuming she has other children in her care she needs to balance all their needs. How would you have wanted her to deal with it?

@ranging how cold? Sub zero? yes you're right to be upset. If you're talking about the kind of temperatures it's been in the UK this week then you're completely over-reacting. It was for seconds.

I would be pleased cm had taught dd a valuable lesson. Maybe you will have less trouble keeping dd shoes and socks on in future. My niece once threw her shoes into a river as her Dad was pushing her over a bridge.

YABU. The childminder let your child feel the consequences of her actions in a safe way. Lesson learnt.

Absolutely sensible. I imagine that your DD's get were in contract with the ground for about two seconds, and she learned that socks and shoes are necessary.

What's so bad about bare feet anyway? It's not a punishment because kids love running round in bare feet, even on cold wet sand at the beach. So it wasn't a physical punishment in any way. It was simply a shock to your daughter that the childminder followed through on her behaviour. I'm not sure what else you expected the CM to do.

What was her alternative, Ranging?

What upset her?
Cold feet? Good step up the learning curve.

Not getting her own way? Well, she DID get her own way- with consequences.

Not getting to hit/bite/Kick her childminder- who presumably had others to mind- within the confines of a car seat? Such is life

I'm very impressed with the way the childminder handled it .........I have done something similar with my children.

I don't see a problem with it. What would you have done in that situation?

I'd not have a problem with this and probably copy the tactic if dc was being awkward for me in the car.

Its fine, it's hardly December and foot of snow. I assume she dried her feet off and put the shoes and socks on.

Natural consequences. Did the same with my ds yesterday, he's slightly older, he didn't want to wear a coat, it was raining and we had to drop his brother at football and pop into a shop - he was a bit cold and agreed he should have worn his coat and will hopefully next time.

A bit of tough love. No harm done.

Many nurseries use this tactic (as do many parents) I’ve never had an issue with it provided child doesn’t get cold or wet for a sustained period of time.

Presumably childminder would have washed DD’s feet before she let her walk indoors with muddy bare feet! What did you expect her to do, carry DD and her shoes and socks from car to house (whilst minding other kids too) and carrying all their bags, stuff etc?

One nursery manager got fed up with my (then 3 year old) DD refusing to wear wellies for a woodland walk so eventually she let her wear her trainers.
Naturally these trainers got ruined in muddy puddles (pink suede type that stains) and DD had cold wet feet for half an hour.
Manager was very apologetic about the ruined trainers and DD was upset as they were her favourite pair. The poor manager had even tried to scrub them by hand! I reassured her it was learning by experience and if it meant sacrificing a pair of trainers to teach DD the importance of weather appropriate clothing that was fine by me.

DD never refused to wear wellies again when told to. Even now she’s older she wears wellies when there’s a risk of mud and puddles. I often thank that manager in my head. There was a photo taken of DD on that walk, wearing full waterproof overall with her pink trainers, glowering at a muddy stream she had to cross! Still makes me smile.

My youngest once refused to put her wellies on after nursery when it was snowing, and wanted to wear another child's wellies home instead. She was told her own or nothing and ended up walking quite a way to the car barefoot before putting her wellies on. She survived and from that point didn't have daft tantrums about footwear.

[quote DeathStare]@ranging how cold? Sub zero? yes you're right to be upset. If you're talking about the kind of temperatures it's been in the UK this week then you're completely over-reacting. It was for seconds.[/quote]
But even sub zero wouldn't be an issue if it was for a moment, kids feet touches cold shoes back on. It would only be an issue if she was made to walk without them.

I think everyone’s waiting to hear what you would have done OP...

It sounds like your daughter has been a complete pain in the ass recently. The CM was probably worried she would have got bitten if she’d tried to force her back into her socks.