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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be cross with our childminder?

785 replies

ranging · 09/05/2021 09:29

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 09/05/2021 10:27

@ranging

DD is also very sensitive to getting wet and dirty, she hates even having the slightest bit of food or dirt on her clothes or skin and can sometimes get quite distressed. CM knows this.

Then perhaps she'll do as she's told next time.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 09/05/2021 10:27

@BarryFromEastenders - what a load of guff, honestly. Do you honestly believe a childminder has time to analyse why a toddler might be having every single tantrum? Multiple times a day, with multiple children? Tantrumming is developmentally typical in toddlers so your suggestion that the childminder is potentially abusing children in her care is outrageous.
You state there are other ways of dealing with this but didn't actually suggest what they are? Nobody has yet, in fact. Are you suggesting that the childminder should have ignored the other children and just sat in the car with them all, pondering over whether the shoe-refusing toddler was overwhelmed, tired, hungry or whatever?

HaggisBurger · 09/05/2021 10:27

@ranging

DD is also very sensitive to getting wet and dirty, she hates even having the slightest bit of food or dirt on her clothes or skin and can sometimes get quite distressed. CM knows this.
All the more reason for her to put her shoes and socks on then. You sound a little precious with her. She won’t melt. Perhaps some more robust but loving boundaries with your DD might benefit her and help her negotiate this tricky developmental period. Your CM Is acting in locus parentis and as such you have to trust her approach to some degree. As many other parents on this thread have said this approach is fine - perhaps you should take that on board. Rather than trying to get the outcome of all to saying “no this was terribly cruel” otherwise why ask?
Newkitchen123 · 09/05/2021 10:27

She doesn't like the buggy
She doesn't like dirt on her
If only there was something to enable her to stand on the ground without getting dirty. You know... Like shoes!

Original poster
ranging · 09/05/2021 10:28

@ClarkeGriffin

You would have put your child in her buggy to get her to the house because she won't put shoes and socks on? Confused I think you're misunderstanding what a consequence for bad behaviour is.

Maybe you think you are showing her a consequence for bad behaviour on other things, but I don't think you are in reality. Toddlers have bad days sure, but sounds like yours is many bad days because she knows she gets away with it. She's now learnt she can't with the child minder, although she'll no doubt push boundaries again at some point and learn again it's a no.

If you want to complain to her about it, go ahead, but it would be a mistake. You may lose a very good childminder and be stuck trying to find a new one.

Being strapped into a buggy that she does not like going in, whilst her friends get to run and play freely? That is a consequence.

Her behaviour is much worse at the childminder's than it is at home.

OP posts:
ClarkeGriffin · 09/05/2021 10:28

She doesn't like going in the buggy.

Going in the buggy though is preferable to doing what she was told, so she still wins in her mind. She got what she wanted. And eventually gets out of the buggy, it's not a long punishment.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 09/05/2021 10:28

And does your childminder have just your child or others too? The buggy may have been needed for other children or it was too much hassle to get out of the car and still be able to hold hands of other etc.

I did a lot of childminding when doing my uni degree and would not have had time or enough hands for that nonsense.

The child learnt that when an adult asks you to do something it is usually in your best interests to do it. In this case put on your shoes because otherwise your feet will be cold and dirty.

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 09/05/2021 10:28

the consequence of not wanting to wear socks or shoes is not a person much bigger than you forcing you onto the wet, cold, dirty ground.

What is the consequence then? Not going out of your home? Going barefoot by choice?

If you have issues about a sensible parent parenting your child, you need to give up work and do it yourself.

Original poster
ranging · 09/05/2021 10:28

@ClarkeGriffin

She doesn't like going in the buggy.

Going in the buggy though is preferable to doing what she was told, so she still wins in her mind. She got what she wanted. And eventually gets out of the buggy, it's not a long punishment.

I would not have let her out of the buggy until her socks and shoes were on.
OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/05/2021 10:29

YABVU

user1493494961 · 09/05/2021 10:29

Is she your PFB OP?

Original poster
ranging · 09/05/2021 10:29

@Newkitchen123

She doesn't like the buggy She doesn't like dirt on her If only there was something to enable her to stand on the ground without getting dirty. You know... Like shoes!
Well done, yes. Is that not the whole point?
OP posts:
ComDummings · 09/05/2021 10:30

Natural consequences, seems OK to me

Original poster
ranging · 09/05/2021 10:30

@SciFiScream

She might not like going in the buggy but then (from a toddler's perspective) she is being "forced" to do something else she doesn't like.

Buggy or socks and shoes?

What the CM has done is shown your DD the benefits of socks and shoes and now your DD is making a positive choice to wear them.

That's much better for her. Her choice to wear now.

Yes, but the buggy isn't causing her physical discomfort.
OP posts:
saraclara · 09/05/2021 10:30

She doesn't like the buggy, and she didn't like her feet being very briefly wet. So why are you pro the buggy and anti a couple of seconds of cold feet?

The childminder wouldn't have had the time to go and get the buggy, set it up, put your DD in it and then wheel her a few feet to the front door. That would be ridiculous. And meanwhile the other kids are fed up and rolling their eyes.

The action the CM choose took a few seconds and taught your DD something. The buggy option would have taken ages, been really inconvenient, and taught her nothing.

AhNowTed · 09/05/2021 10:31

OP if you want to pander to a 2 year old go ahead, but don't expect your CM to do the same.

You've heard the resounding answer, but you're still arguing.

Original poster
ranging · 09/05/2021 10:31

@user1493494961

Is she your PFB OP?
What does PFB stand for?
OP posts:
insancerre · 09/05/2021 10:32

I’m with the CM
I work with children and they need to learn their actions and choices have consequences
I would have done the same and I have done on many occasions, there’s not many children who don’t learn by this method
Life is too short to be dictated to by toddlers

AhNowTed · 09/05/2021 10:32

Physical discomfort... for gods sake!!!

anon12345678901 · 09/05/2021 10:32

Well done to the CM, now she knows why you wear shoes! 👏🏼

Plumbear2 · 09/05/2021 10:33

You would not have let her out of the buggy untill her shoes and socks where on. A childminder dosent have an extra 30 mins on her hands to wait, she has other children to care for aswell.

StreetLightsHoney · 09/05/2021 10:33

YABVU. Natural consequences. The childminder did well here.

It sounds like you mollycoddle her and don’t like when she’s shown the consequences of her actions.

saraclara · 09/05/2021 10:33

Yes, but the buggy isn't causing her physical discomfort.

Oh for goodness' sake. A couple of seconds of cold and damp? She'd 'endure' that for hours at the seaside.

I can't believe that you see this as that somehow traumatic.

insancerre · 09/05/2021 10:34

But if she had put her in the buggy she wouldn’t have learnt anything and the behaviour would just continue
Your role as a parent is to teach children how to behave, not pander to them

hedgehogger1 · 09/05/2021 10:34

Your child is learning consequences to their actions. I would have done the same. Hopefully next time she'll remember it was unpleasant and cooperate

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