To be cross with our childminder?

[ranging]

Name changed.

DD has been going to the same childminder since she was 8 months and she is now 2.5. She absolutely loves it there and she's very kind and friendly, I get lots of crafts home that DD does and they go out and do a lot.

DD is going through a challenging phase, not doing as she's told, very stubborn, sometimes hitting and biting.

When I picked her up on Friday, the childminder said that she had taken her shoes and socks off in the car and was refusing to put them back on, so she took her out the car and put him on the (wet and muddy) ground in her bare feet and told her basically that's what you get for not putting your shoes on. She apparently got upset by this and then finally allowed her to put her shoes back on.

I was a bit taken aback by this, AIBU to tell her I am not happy about this at all? I'm not sure if this is an ok tactic to use with a toddler but I never would and don't want anyone else to treat her like that either.

-put your shoes and socks on please.
-no
-if you don't put them on your feet well be cold and wet
-no
.... Feet got cold and wet.
..... She'll know for next time

Did you want her to wait with all the other children who had done as they were told
Did you want her to kick out bite?
Children need to learn the consequences of their actions
What would you have done?

This is why I love my childminder. This is exactly what I would have done, I think it's kind - respects that the toddler has a brain and needs a reason, not just to do as they're told or be fed raisins/bribed with other things to do what you want. I wouldn't be mad, I'd be really thrilled.

Don’t look for faults in how the childminder is doing her job. Try and change your own parenting style to manage your daughter’s poor behaviour.

Completely agree with other posters
This was natural consequences which is also a learning opportunity; not a punishment or form of discipline.

I'd have done EXACTLY the same.

It's called boundaries. You should try it!

I've done similar with my DS as a toddler - not wanting to wear a coat 'ok, but it's cold/wet'. Within minutes he wants his coat etc. Sometimes learning for themselves is more valuable than being told something.

This wouldn't bother me. Even if it was a cold and wet day.

Seems completely reasonable to me... natural cause and effect! Kid not harmed. We do the same... ok, don’t buy your coat on but you’ll get cold!!! Oh, you are cold? Isn’t it lucky your coat is in my bag, putting it on now?

I suppose you have to decide what the alternative would have been if you were in her position. I think the only alternative I would have done was put DC in the buggy, still minus shoes and socks. So still not putting them on.

I'm assuming you only have one DC. Because when you have a toddler and other kids to deal with, you really don't have the time or patience to put up with the toddler's bullshit and just ignore most of it. You don't negotiate with a toddler.

Would you rather the CM got into a wrestling match with your child and forced the socks and shoes on?
I think she taught your child a valuable lesson.
I wonder if you pander to her too much? Children need boundaries and to learn that actions have consequences.

Your child has now been taught what shoes and socks are for.

I’m with your childminder - you say you wouldn’t do it but if you had maybe someone else wouldn’t have had to do it for you!

This is exactly what I would have done although dd likely wouldn't have cared as she frequently took her socks and shoes off to run around outside anyway. No harm can come from having muddy feet momentarily. I assume your dc paddles in the sea etc? In this case the natural consequence worked so it was ideal!

I think this is absolutely fine as long as she put the socks and shoes on the moment he got upset about the wet/cold - so there was no 'punishment' element, just a 'now you see why we need socks and shoes'. I do basically this with my DS's coat all the time - 'oh you don't want it? Ok let's just take it with us... Oh turns out you do want it after all now that you're actually outside' and it seems like by far the most sensible way to deal with it to me.

I think it was a great lesson for her to learn

I probably would have been annoyed too, it’s horrible to think of your child even being briefly uncomfortable. That being said I actually think the pp here are right, it didn’t hurt her and got the right result.

Sounds like the CM took the right approach and it worked.

What would you have done?

I would have done exactly the same. How long would you have stood there negotiating?

As a PP said, you don't negotiate with a 2 year old.

Having been a nanny for over ten years and dealing with this type of behaviour in toddlers/young children more times than I can count;

I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

As long as my child was able to have her socks and shoes put back on promptly as soon as she realises she wanted them now that her feet were a bit cold and muddy I'd have no problem. The only problem I would have would be if she was left standing on the cold ground for any length of time as a punishment.

For me, the aim would be far more for her to realise the connections between things like feet being dry and wearing shoes. And that's what she would have learned through what your child minder did.

I agree with other posters - what we're the choices? Force her shoes and socks on? That's just teaching her that sometimes adults make you do things you don't want to do even when you scream and bite. But that sometimes biting makes that stop so it's worth doing.

Or your child minder could have tried to negotiate with her. Which is not great when the child is too little to understand why she needs to put her shoes and socks on or why if she doesn't get moving other people are going to be late.

Or maybe bribery? Put your shoes and socks on and you can have this treat. Then you have a child who stops doing what they're asked in case there's a bribe to be had for doing it.

I think it was a way to teach her how it feels if you won't put your shoes and socks on! It's hardly going to hurt her! My youngest grandchild would strip off all he clothes at that age. Then go out in the garden and feed the hens. She did pretty soon learn that it's cold outside in winter and best to keep your clothes on!

@Aprilwasverywet

Her method worked. Be grateful and use it!!

this

OP if you were the parent of one of the other children who have had to sit in a car for ages whilst the child minder tried to reason with another child, would you want the child minder to tackle that behaviour?

You're being precious and unreasonable. Your child minder sounds wonderful.

I've done this to DD