To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

@Pinkyavocado perhaps you're a better parent than me, perhaps your child is more of a rule follower. Either way, the situation I'm in, it's nit an option to tell her she can't leave the house. She's 5"10 for a start.

[quote lanatolater]@Puntastic she'll just leave the house. I can't lock her up. Sadly![/quote]
What does she value that you can take off her? WiFi? Consoles? Screens? You need bargaining chips.

Failing that, do you have the house keys? And the window keys? Lock them all from the inside if you have to. She's a child, and if children want to leave the house at all hours to put themselves in danger, as a parent you step in.

@MrsMaizel I thought I had instilled those in her. This boy seems to have destroyed all the work I've done. I just can't believe my little girl has such low self esteem that she's in this situation. It breaks my heart and is certainly not what I've taught her all her life.

@MintyCedric

Oh come on *@angieloumc*

The OP has come here asking for advice to try and help her DD. No one is a perfect parent and you can't possibly think this boyfriend is innocent in the situation.

@lanatolater Are you getting any support, because tbh I'd imagine you could use it?

In normal circumstances I'd suggest distraction as the best way of lessening the connection to the boyfriend, but obviously that hinges a lot on having support and finances to facilitate it.

I absolutely don't think the boyfriend is innocent in this, however both of them are children. The OP is the adult and needs to get a grip on this. You're right nobody is a perfect parent, I'm certainly not, but there would be no way my underage child would be behaving like that without consequences. OP, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. However, I really think you need to get some outside support from maybe social services? Your daughter cannot go on behaving this way.

I’m not going to advise you as my child is not a teenager yet. But I will tell you about a friend who went total Mamma bear at her teenager son’s girlfriend who was being abusive and manipulative. She didn’t stop to think about how her son would feel just marched right in and protected him. It worked out in the end. She scared off the abuser and eventually her son met someone much nicer. Before she went Mama bear she tried other ways to deal with the situation but it was the scary mum don’t you come near my son or I will... that actually worked.

OP - no more mr nice guy, you are the adult, she is the child - if you are scared to stand up to her to protect her own best interests then admit that and get some help.

@angieloumc I have had several calls with social services but it's not a case for them as we're working with the school and camhs. They've said they're input would be overkill. They're satisfied that the appropriate people are involved so this isn't their remit

@Esse321 I'd take all the help I can get! What Ive managed to access so far hasn't been useful but this thread has given me ideas for places I can contact

[quote lanatolater]@MintyCedric I'm not getting any support and honestly I'm at breaking point. [/quote]
That's rubbish. It's not easy at the best of times, and Covid has had a huge impact re getting any meaningful input.

If you Google support for parenting teens there are lots of organisations that might be able to provide some support for you and help you tackle things.

I think you do need to go a bit badass but know from working in a secondary school that's a damn sight easier said than done.

@Oceanbliss to be quite honest, I'm scared of him. He's huge and he's got a known violent past. I'd love to tell him to fuck off but I fear he'd take my dd with him!

Although I'm very tempted to tell him to get lost and ban them seeing each other which was where I was when I first posted today. I'm just working through all the nuances and risks in my mind and feeling like it could push her away amd in to his arms which is what I'm scared of

Have you tried pointing out to the BF that he's being abusive?

I have niece's your daughter's age and there is no way her parents let them do this. From day one dad said no boys until you are 18 now I was said as a bit of a joke but actually I really want to to wait as long as you can. When the oldest was she was texting a boy who liked her a lot the dad found out and the said no private messaging you can talk in group chats and when you see each other as friends but just no private chats and I will check your phone until I trust you (yes that is quite strict but it was their rules and she knew the boundaries early on) No of the girls haven't given them much trouble tbh they go out a lot with their friends who knows their dad is strict and well it's just accepted even if they are jibbed, boys would have to face dad and it's not worth the aggravation. Oldest is 18 now and worked hard at school and doing well in her own business saving for a deposit for her own home. There is nothing wrong in being strict setting clear firm boundaries and sticking to them as long as you explain why and that they know you love them. I get it must be much harder you're a single parent with no support off the dad. But unfortunately you have given her far too much freedom early on she is too immature for all that. It's not too late to put in the boundaries now and tell her you made a mistake. It's ok for kids to see their parents are not perfect and make mistakes. Don't be so scared of the threats that you feel powerless to parent. She needs you to give her boundaries and feel secure. She is far to immature for relationships where boyfriends sleep in their beds!

@Puntastic I haven't. I've got myself to the point where I can't even look at him, never mind start a confrontation with him. I guess that does make me sound like a wuss. This guy is 6 foot tall with an awful temper and I don't think he has the capacity for criticism

Btw the oldest niece was 13 when the boy (14) was texting her.

14 year old having a boy stay over? My DH was the first guy who stayed over at my parents house, and that was when we got engaged! Even then they’d have preferred if we didn’t share a room. I’d be the first to say they were overly strict, but encouraging your underage child to have a sexual relationship under your own roof is asking for trouble. Of course it’s an option to tell her she can’t leave the house? You’re the adult and the parent. You can’t use her height as an excuse to let her do what she wants

[quote lanatolater]@Puntastic I haven't. I've got myself to the point where I can't even look at him, never mind start a confrontation with him. I guess that does make me sound like a wuss. This guy is 6 foot tall with an awful temper and I don't think he has the capacity for criticism [/quote]
I'd go for the confrontation, but would record audio on my phone if I were you (not to press charges against him as would be inadmissible because he wouldn't know you were filming, but as a way to prove your side of the story if things go wrong).

If he gets violent, that may actually have the benefit of removing the wool from DD's eyes, and you can then get police involved (this is why I'd record audio, so he can't lie and say you goaded him into it). If he starts shouting at your DD in your earshot again, tbh I think you'd be remiss not to step in, scary though it may be.

I don't understand how she would leave the house if you locked the doors
She's 14, you're the parent! You need to put your foot down. Tell the boy in no uncertain terms he's not to see her and you'll be calling the police if he comes to your house. Tell her she's not to see him and if she does, ground her. Just lock the doors and take her keys away from her.
The conversations and educating her about abusive relationships can come later. Right now the priority is keeping her safe.
Jesus. I thought my mum was lenient but there's no way she'd have allowed this kind of thing at 14!

The door is a twist lock so you can't lock it. It would be easy to get out when I'm in bed. Also, the mental health thing means she has to socialise. Being locked in the house is not something that would help her and I'm not even sure it's legal?!

With house arrest as her only option I'm pretty sure she's just go and stay with her dad

Change the locks then, to something that can be kept secure. As far as I know there's no law against grounding a child, which is what she is.
If she has to socialise, then her friends can come to the house and you can vet who she's spending time with. She can go out, but only with you there...for example, to the shops. Until you're satisfied she can be trusted.
If she does sneak out there have to be consequences - a few days added to the grounding, or phone taken away.
She may have mental health issues but these are only going to get worse if she continues to be in an abusive relationship. So putting an end to it, even if you have to be cruel to be kind, will be for her benefit in the long term.

@lanatolater - I’m definitely not the perfect parent or better than anyone else, far from it, I’m quite laid back in most things with both my young teens. They are “children” though and do as I say. They are respectful and the consequences of leaving the house without asking wouldn’t be worth it to them. My kids aren’t angels. I’m sure they do stuff the shouldn’t but I am aware of where they are when they aren’t at home and they have enough respect not to break any major rules.

You mention your daughter is 5ft 10. How is that relevant? If she’d get physical with you if you stopped her going out then that’s a major issue on it’s own.

[quote lanatolater]@Flowers500 I've spoken to social services but with the camhs and school involvement they said there was no need for "overkill". I'll take all the help I can get but social services ss really just refer out to the appropriate authorities and let them support [/quote]
Is the school refusal/anxiety a result of this relationship? Is this a part of the 'isolation' element of an abusive relationship? My own experience - very similar- I wish my mum had the strength and courage to put in a shit ton of boundaries and given me the opportunity to break free from my abusive teenage relationship. It would have given me the perfect reason to escape, without putting myself in a position to be 'blamed' by him for wanting more for myself (like going to school). Couple this with the relationship education, self esteem boosting, quality time spending with yourself and friends and she will see her way out of it.

As it was, I spent another 10 years in the same abusive relationship.

I'd always choose a teen rebelling against boundaries that she knows are there because you love her and want the best for her, over the life long consequences of allowing this relationship and her current lifestyle to continue...

I was 'allowed' to enter into an adult relationships at 14. The reasoning was similar to yours. I am so sad for my younger self and the absence of parenting that would have lead to a much healthier and happier adult life. Please, step in. Step up. It will be difficult, you might alienate her for a short time but you literally have her entire future in your hands, right now. Do not underestimate the power you have in saying I love you and this is why I would like to walk with you to school, I love you and this is why I think for now there will be no sleepovers, I love you and this is why your boyfriend can come for dinner with us but not stay over, I love you and this is why I want to put some boundaries in place. Then teach her about the importance of boundaries for herself. Empower her to know that it is her right to say no. It is her right to say yes. It is her right to say I don't know. Without justification.

This will all be about how you present yourself. You need to be confident that you are doing the right thing (which you are) and you need to deliver it from a place of love and respect. Think carefully about how you present it to her. Use your words carefully, respect her and support her mental health and self esteem but be firm and consistent. This will make her feel safe and loved and hopefully give her some space from him. Consider widening her life... take her for a weekend break away - even if it's only to see family and insist that it's a phone free weekend. You probably have another year before this relationship becomes very difficult for her to extract herself from. Give her every opportunity to realise how amazing she is and how many life opportunities she has.... You can do this. You clearly love her and want the best for her. This means you cannot be her friend. You can however be a loving, consistent, strong woman in her life.

Thank you @DRGT that's made me cry. I really do love her so much and have inky down what I thought was best for her xz

op.

From you comments you’ve clearly taken on board all the really helpful advice and you deserve credit for that
How do you think it would go if you set down with DD and said to her that you won’t allow her boyfriend to stay overnight anymore because you’ve realised that it was the wrong decision because it is something that all children of her age are not emotionally ready to handle. So modelling accepting when you’ve made a mistake and learning from it.

I second the idea of keeping her busy. Try and find things that will build her self esteem and broaden her social circle. Cook together. Volunteer together. Do online courses together.

Exercise together or find her a group she can join for this.

Best wishes

Fucking hell. I absolutely despair.

She's 14 years old for god's sake. You're supposed to be her parent not her unruly best mate.