To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

[WellThisIsShit]

This sounds so hard. Good luck with everything

[Branleuse]

[quote Nybble]@me4real yes that's true. I think that whether BPD or ADHD/Autism or neither, it's worth investigating as I think if either of these are involved then the approach for dealing with it will be different to the advice that OP is getting.[/quote]
Dont kid yourself youd get any extra help. Far from it

[me4real]

I wasnt allowed my bf over and so was mostly at his staying over

@Newmumatlast If you were underage your parents shouldn'tve let that happen either of course. If you were overage then it's a bit different when it comes too whether it's ok for parents to allow.

If someone's abusive they'll be abusive at some point, your parents couldn'tve been around 24/7. I was 17 when I had an abusiie boyfriiend who slapped me in the face in my home after he stayed over, while my parents were at work.

And also my parents it turns out didnt like him but didnt voice their concerns - maybe if they had and gave examples of how others who love me aren't like that, I might also have seen it a bit more

That's a good point. Years later, a year or so ago, I had a dodgy lover. One friend told me what she thought he was like, but I thought her view was influenced by her having a diagnosed phobia of men.

I don't know if, if other people had been more insistent/open with me about what they thought, it would've helped. But it definitely wouldn'tve hurt.

[Newmumatlast]

@lanatolater

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

Oh OP this is so hard for you and I completely get it as I was in an abusive relationship as a teenager. I couldn't see it properly at the time. It was mainly verbal and the sorts of things you describe but then it did become physical at which point I was already low enough that I didnt leave. Obviously I did eventually. One protective factor you're exercising that I didnt have is you allowing him to stay over where you can monitor them. I wasnt allowed my bf over and so was mostly at his staying over where my parents couldn't see or hear how he treated me and his parent either didnt care or ignored it or wasn't even in. I'm not entirely sure how you resolve it either. You don't want to push her away but you also want to have her snap out of the influence he has on her. Thinking of what might have helped me, perhaps having one on one time doing activities that built my self esteem. Being in scenarios or watching films which happen to show behaviours as wrong that would've made it click in my head. Counselling or therapy (I didn't do this for a very long time). Maybe something like the freedom programme. Positive language building up my self esteem and confidence rather than focusing on him. And also my parents it turns out didnt like him but didnt voice their concerns - maybe if they had and gave examples of how others who love me aren't like that, I might also have seen it a bit more. Sorry thats not the most helpful but being there for her and supporting her is valuable in itself x

[lanatolater2]

[quote me4real]**@lanatolater2* Don't tell CAMHS she's having anything else*, or services don't offer stuff as readily/use it as an excuse not to do much

If you have, then don't tell them about any other stuff you manage to organize.

Great that you've found some stuff- do you know when she starts?[/quote]
She starts 2 weeks today. Please, god, it helps!!!

[me4real]

@lanatolater2 Don't tell CAMHS she's having anything else, or services don't offer stuff as readily/use it as an excuse not to do much

If you have, then don't tell them about any other stuff you manage to organize.

Great that you've found some stuff- do you know when she starts?

[ScrollingLeaves]

“tipOver
This is a very emotional topic for me to talk about unsurprisingly so hopefully all this is coherent.”

Yes, it is coherent.
No wonder you are still living with what happened to you. I so hope that perhaps you might consider finding someone to talk to now who fully understands the seriousness of they wounds caused by this early experience. Perhaps this would help a little.

It just shows how right OP is to be so worried about her DD. Sometimes on MN you see people saying, “Lots of people have sex and 14” or, “You have no right to interfere “ etc

[lanatolater2]

Name change fail!

[selfieelf]

@tipOver

ScrollingLeaves, my situation was different to what OP describes in that I met this person online and he lived far away. My parents allowed him to come and stay with us, otherwise we would have never met in person. So I'd say be very, very wary of anyone your child has met online, but unfortunately I don't really have much in the way of advice for OP specifically, except don't give up. I think if I had been in OP's daughters situation rather than the one I was in I wouldn't be resentful of my parents now, as I'd know she was trying her best but there wasn't anything she could do to truly stop it. I really do wish I could give more helpful advice.

Thanks for sharing your experience - I think if they live far away then there are many ways of making contact very difficult. Like you say, if he hadnt stay then you'd have probably not had other options to meet up.

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience xx

[tipOver]

ScrollingLeaves, I hope you're right and that it can help. Also, thank you for your empathy, I'm in tears a little bit now. It's very cathartic to be taken seriously after a long time of that not happening. So maybe some more advice is to believe your child if they say something like this has happened to them, and make sure that services such as cahms do too and that they take it seriously. I do think that half of my trauma was being told things like "It sounds like you're just upset he broke up with you" by adults in school etc I tried to open up to. I've never told my parents though personally as I know they'd blame themselves. At the end of the day you can only do your best to protect your child.

This is a very emotional topic for me to talk about unsurprisingly so hopefully all this is coherent.

[Helenluvsrob]

Op if SS aren’t taking notice consider raising the risk of child sexual exploitation.
Horrible though it is to think that she is “ ticking the boxes “ for risk. mental health issues . Low self esteem . School issues . And along comes the manipulative boyfriend. She is already at his beck and call. Would she really say no if he started the “ if you loved me you’d do this “ line .

Horrible for you both x

[ScrollingLeaves]

“Tip over
I really do wish I could give more helpful advice.“

What you say is helpful as it is a warning to parents in general as to what can happen to young teens starting from on-line relationships too.

It is good you think if you had been OP’s daughter you would have felt she’d done her best to protect her.

[tipOver]

ScrollingLeaves, my situation was different to what OP describes in that I met this person online and he lived far away. My parents allowed him to come and stay with us, otherwise we would have never met in person. So I'd say be very, very wary of anyone your child has met online, but unfortunately I don't really have much in the way of advice for OP specifically, except don't give up. I think if I had been in OP's daughters situation rather than the one I was in I wouldn't be resentful of my parents now, as I'd know she was trying her best but there wasn't anything she could do to truly stop it. I really do wish I could give more helpful advice.

[isthismylifenow]

I am not quite sure how CAMHS works but the counselling that she is being offered isn't from a therapist by the sounds of it. It think its ridiculous that she will be bumped off a list for just speaking to someone about what is happening right now. She is on the list to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist I assume. I would absolutely not tell them. She could have chatted to a neighbour who took a short counselling course and be bumped off a list for a medical need......

It's bonkers.

I hope that you are both doing ok OP.

[ScrollingLeaves]

“tipOver

That said, it sounds like you really are doing everything you can. My resentment comes from a lack of enforcing completely enforceable boundaries leading to what happened to me. I was also not taken seriously after the fact - by school, cahms, anyone. It sounds like that wouldn't be the case with your daughter as she has a supportive mum. Good luck x”

💐I am so sorry your life was blighted by what happened to you. What you describe was terrible.

Looking back, what could your parents have done step by step to stop you from seeing him? How would you not have rebelled and found a way to see him anyway?

I am not asking rhetorically but as a genuine question in case it helps OP and others in this predicament. She many are worried about driving their child further into the relationship.

[tipOver]

That said, it sounds like you really are doing everything you can. My resentment comes from a lack of enforcing completely enforceable boundaries leading to what happened to me. I was also not taken seriously after the fact - by school, cahms, anyone. It sounds like that wouldn't be the case with your daughter as she has a supportive mum. Good luck x

[tipOver]

I haven't read through the whole thread yet, but I also 14 when I was in an abusive relationship with a 16 year old boy. My parents suspected he was controlling but would still allow him to visit. He raped and sexually abused me repeatedly. I don't know if I will ever recover mentally from the trauma I went through, I now have anxiety and depression and symptoms of PTSD. I know that my parents could have prevented me seeing him by not giving in to me, but they didn't want me to resent them for it. Well, I do now that I've been irrevocably damaged.

[Ladyraven0483]

And from reading more comments he probably has caused the anxiety, I was fine until I met that ex then I started having panic attacks in class over him tormenting me. Get her away from him.

[Ladyraven0483]

Get her away from him
I know a lot of people say oh if you try to stop her it’ll drive her to him, she’s 15 fgs and you can have rules that helps her to stop seeing him. I was in a similar relationship from 13 to when I was about 17 he was awful and it had left me with mental health problems and issues trusting people.
Just don’t let her out with him, and if he’s known for violence he could v easily start hitting hsr

[lanatolater2]

@JudyGemstone yes I will absolutely take them up on the counselling. There's every chance it could be very helpful, maybe even more so than what camhs do.

It just didn't sit right with me that camhs wanted to take her off their radar simply because she has these 10 sessions in place. There was talk of a psychologist being provided by camhs at one point who would do an assessment of DD. Surely that's two separate things as this counsellor wouldn't be qualified to make such an assessment

[JudyGemstone]

Most counselling charities run on voluntary counsellors, many of them trainees. It’s how they can exist.

A diploma in counselling is a full qualification, albeit minimal compared to many.

CAMHS psychologist provision may well not be weekly therapy or as many as 10 sessions.

I’d strike while the irons hot and take what’s on offer now, no need to advise CAMHS straight away. Be aware that CAMHS don’t necessarily provide regular counselling/therapy anyway.

[lanatolater2]

Thanks both, I will keep quiet about it for now then.

[ScrollingLeaves]

yes to what freckles20 said.

Stay on the list but don’t give up hope with the person she can see now. It will make a big difference just to be getting someone to talk to at all, and she may be very good.

[freckles20]

Well done OP for getting this help.

Please don't give up with the school. Keep pushing. I know it's exhausting and thankless, but keep trying.

I wouldn't notify Camhs if DD sees the charity counsellor. Stay on the list for now. You don't yet know if DD will attend the sessions, or how helpful they might be. As such I think it's sensible to stay on the Camhs list, but in some areas the list is appallingly long.

I understand your concerns re the counsellor. It is probably worth a try though. Listening, and holding space for someone who is distressed can be powerful.

Wishing you and DD a positive outcome. You are doing a grand job.

Also- there is a teenager board on MN which may be helpful.

[lanatolater2]

I've started a separate thread for this on mental health but I've had so much advice on this thread I wanted to ask here too.

CAMHS are still being useless. I've spoken with SS and explained I'm struggling and support is lacking and they said they will speak to school. School isn't responding to my emails or VMs so I'm calling the LA tomorrow for further advice on that.

In the mean time, we've been offered counselling for DD through a local charity to start next week. VERY grateful. CAMHS told me that if/when this was confirmed I should let them know so they can take her off their list for one-one with one of their psychologists.

Ive researched the lady at the charity and she is actually a marketing manager and property developer with a "dip couns" and volunteers for the charity part time.

I really don't want to be ungrateful and of course in all likelihood this lady is well qualified and could be a godsend for DD. But, should 10 sessions with her mean that I stop badgering CAMHS for support for DD?

I've been accused on this thread for taking too much at face value and not fighting for DD so I don't want to just accept that due to this counselling, CAMHS will effectively be washing their hands of DD.

What should I do?