To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

[lanatolater]

Yes I think that's exactly the approach that's needed. To just set a load of new rules without acknowledging my mistakes will get her back up and appear to have come from no where.

The curfews are there anyway. She broke it tonight and for that she's been told no sleepovers for two weeks. Not having him stay over at all will go down like a sack of shit but it needs to happen

[Regularsizedrudy]

Op this boy is an abuser and he has chosen your dd because she is vulnerable. He knows she has no father figure and that she has no boundaries, he has easy and constant access to her. You need to start making things difficult for him. Yes he may be scary but at the end of the day he is a child. Once you start making access to your dd difficult he will soon move onto to the next vulnerable girl sorry to say.

[lanatolater]

In answer to my original post though and having taken all the comments on board, I won't forbid them from seeing each other. A more ordered, boundaried and supervised relationship is the best way to go I think. What would be ideal is if he decides that's not all that appealing and gets bored

[bevelino]

OP, needs to build a healthy and trusting relationship with her dd to enable boundaries to be put in place. OP has given dd far too much freedom and it will not be easy to suddenly stop that without a lot of potentially challenging behaviour from dd.

OP, you need to place a structure around her social life as a first step. I have 4 dds and when they were teens we would sit down and work out what everyone was doing for the week. Clear expectations and boundaries would be put in place during those discussions.

[Oceanbliss]

@lanatolater Oceanbliss to be quite honest, I'm scared of him. He's huge and he's got a known violent past. I'd love to tell him to fuck off but I fear he'd take my dd with him!

That is fair enough. I probably would be too if I was in your shoes. I wasn’t trying to suggest that you tell him to fuck off or advise you as I think that this is a very difficult situation. I wish your dd’s father would step in and scare this boyfriend off or you had someone who could and would scare him off for you. I ‘d be tempted to relocate far away with my dd if that were possible or take her on vacation far away for a few weeks so that she can get a bit of distance and time away from him to get a better perspective and to give you a safe place to help your daughter without him being around to interfere.

But in all honesty I don’t know what to do in your shoes.

[lanatolater]

@bevelino I'm just in awe and envy of these kinds of set ups. ALL the patents I speak to can't get out of their kids what their plans are from one minute to the next never mind be in a position to sit down with teens and make a plan a week in advance! It makes me wonder what the hell is in the water round here if this stuff really goes on in some houses.

All we get is maybe town with friend X later today, which becomes lunch at friend Y's which becomes cinema with friends X and Y then a call to say actually they're all at the park with friend Z and can they have a sleepover

[lanatolater]

@Oceanbliss she was away for the long weekend with a friend and her family last month which I'd hoped would give her some perspective bit she was straight back with him on her return. I'd love to take her away for a couple of weeks but funds won't allow.

Thank you for your honesty and for saying you don't know what youd do in my shoes. That's quite comforting and makes me feel like not an utter failure

[paralysedbyinertia]

Oh gosh, this is an incredibly difficult situation.

I do think that a lot of this is down to parenting, I'm afraid, but you can't change the decisions that you have made in the past. That boat has sailed, so you need to focus now on damage limitation.

Unfortunately, your dd has developed some really unhealthy habits and attitudes, so although she definitely needs better boundaries at 14, it will be difficult to just impose these on her suddenly. She won't be able to understand why things that were ok before are no longer acceptable now, and she will push back. So I would go really slowly and gently with any changes that you decide to introduce. And if you do make changes, explain your reasons for them. Don't make her feel like it's a punishment, she needs to understand that it's all about keeping her safe.

I think the first priority is to start rebuilding your relationship with her. Really invest time and effort in the relationship. I have a 15yo who doesn't ignore boundaries because she fundamentally trusts me, considers me to be fair and reasonable and knows that I have her best interests at heart. It has taken years to develop this kind of relationship, so it won't happen overnight, but the quality of your relationship is key. Spend time with her, really listen to her, build trust. Keep your promises. Do fun stuff together. Build her self esteem. Treat her with respect and be interested in her view of the world. Let her know how much you love her, and don't just assume that she knows. Show that you care through kind little gestures. Make sure that she is in no doubt that you're on her side in this life, you want her to be happy. That might sound obvious, but she needs to really feel it. She needs to understand that you're not just a crazy control freak who interferes in her life because she has nothing better to do, but a loving parent who really wants the best for her. She is just a child and she really needs her mum.

The more solid your relationship is, the more open she will be to listening to your advice, and the more receptive she will be to some of the resources/videos that others have suggested. Without a strong relationship, she will just keep pushing back against you all the more. Honestly, it might sound like it's irrelevant to the problem that you've described, but actually, it's central.

While you're trying to build up the trust, it's likely that you'll clash about some stuff. If that happens, try to stay firm while being calm and reasonable. Explain, don't just tell. Listen, don't shout. Admit it when you've got stuff wrong. Apologise for any occasions when you lose your cool.

I think it would be really good if you could get some good parenting advice to help you deal with this, because I think you would really benefit from some professional help on how to start rebuilding the relationship with your daughter and guiding her through the next few years. I'm not sure if there are charities that can offer this kind of support - the school might know. I think it will be really important for you to start building your own confidence as a parent so that you feel able to be the parent that your dd so clearly needs.

Good luck.

[Oceanbliss]

@lanatolater

DRGT: Please, step in. Step up. It will be difficult, you might alienate her for a short time but you literally have her entire future in your hands, right now. Do not underestimate the power you have in saying I love you and this is why I would like to walk with you to school, I love you and this is why I think for now there will be no sleepovers, I love you and this is why your boyfriend can come for dinner with us but not stay over, I love you and this is why I want to put some boundaries in place. Then teach her about the importance of boundaries for herself. Empower her to know that it is her right to say no. It is her right to say yes. It is her right to say I don't know. Without justification.

I think this is good advice.

[flowerbombVR]

Just read the thread and want to say I'm rooting for you and your dd op. I think if you can stay with this thread you will get support and encouragement from other women/mother's to help you get back on track with your relationship. You have reached out and told it like it is and are taking the great advice given. That in itself say's a lot about you. You are a great mum who has had it tough yet here you are reaching out for answers. I think it sounds like the right direction you are planning to move in and will be here to support you as you go. You've git this and pat on the back fir knowing it needed to change.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you

[ChoChoCrazyCat]

@lanatolater Well...ok, it's your life and your child...but, I don't see how you're going to achieve this, given your DD doesn't follow your rules and the boy definitely doesn't care for them, has anger issues, and you're scared of him.

[paralysedbyinertia]

Great posts from @DRGT and @Rainbowqueeen.

OP, @bevelino is absolutely right that there are lots of teens who communicate really effectively with parents about their plans, and who understand that the boundaries imposed by their parents are there to keep them safe. This doesn't happen by magic, though. It comes from a relationship that is founded on trust and respect, and from a deep understanding that the parents ultimately want what the child wants - for the child to be happy and to have a great life.

[Oceanbliss]

Just want to add that parenting is hard the good advice by DRGT might work to protect your daughter. But you know your daughter best and if as a headstrong teenager she will abide by your boundaries. Even if it doesn’t stop her from dating this abusive boyfriend your messages of love and boundaries will sink in.

Also, thx for your reply. From one mum to another I really hope it works out and you get support.

[Rejoiningperson]

You just get stuck in and refuse to back out I think in these situations. Annoying for your DD as it might be!

You walk her to school. You give her lifts. You monitor her phone (to be honest if you are worried about her welfare I’d do it upfront if she can handle it or discreetly if she can’t, as long as you are acting ‘ in a duty of care’ and are boundaried yourself). You repeatedly say that it’s not a good idea, but in a way that opens up the conversation. Keep your sentences ‘open’ and short and leave gaps so that she speaks more than you speak. That way, even if you are being clear and firm, she is able to work through this herself too.

Remember you will learn much more if you listen and give her loads of opportunities to share with you. And you won’t ‘put her off’ if you are honest and say, look, he’s bad news. But how do you feel?... etc...

It’s her own views that should guide your next steps. So if she says ‘oh but he’s so great... and makes me feel good’ and then you notice that without school or activities she has too much of a void in her life, then slowly but surely get her into healthy activities - and boost her self esteem loads yourself so she’s not so dependent on him to do it.

You can also minimise hugely the amount of time she spends with him and where - and pull back again if it goes pear shaped.

[me4real]

So, you're allowing a 14 year old child to have a 'boyfriend' stay over? :/

That's dodgy for a start and it will also be encouraging their relationship to be more intense than it would otherwise be, due to the amount of time spent together.

Not having him stay over at all will go down like a sack of shit but it needs to happen

@lanatolater Yep, and not just for 2 weeks. Keep it that way until she's of age.

[BlackDaffodil]

OP Im not sure if anyones mentioned a similar Thread.

My Son, His GF (and her Mother)

two Threads.

lots of good advice on there.

[ForwardRanger]

There's a lot to unpack here but basically your daughter needs firm boundaries and it is for you to set and maintain them. It is clear from your posts that you do not know what this means and that you are not confident in your parenting ability so a good place to start would be finding support for yourself.

I know other people's advice can be annoying and hurtful, I can assure you my intentions here are good. And you should know that I have been to hell and back with my teens and we're now in a great space, so I don't say these things lightly.

Firstly you need to separate yourself from the drama, it's known as stepping out of the drama triangle. www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

This is not a quick thing to absorb or learn, you need to chip away at it, but it works and will allow you to make very positive changes to your relationships.

Identify your boundaries and learn how to. maintain them
This link will explain it better than I can www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries#how-to-define-your-boundaries

I'd also advise a parenting course. None of us arrives at parenthood fully equipped for it and it's so much more challenging if we are parenting alone or our own parents were inadequate. Look for one specifically for parenting teens. Your daughter is reacting to your parenting. As you strengthen, she will gain confidence in you and be more likely to make good choices.

With these supports you will be much better equipped to make decisions that are focused on your family's best interests rather than being in survival mode, lurching from crisis to crisis.

But in a nutshell, you need to give your daughter curfews, rules are about who can and cannot come to your home and hold her accountable. If she doesn't use her phone responsibly, cancel her connection. You're the boss. It doesn't matter how much she wails, what matters is that she is safe.

[1forAll74]

i would not allow this boy to stay over at your home. If you allow this to happen for this age of children, it just becomes normal, which it isn't. The boy friend is becoming controlling it seems, but your daughter cannot see this as yet. She needs to be told this, and be aware of further upsets that may occur for her.if she sticks around with this lad.

This sounds a bit like one of the storylines currently on Coronation Street. !

[sunshineandlollypops]

As a mother to young adult daughters, I would have to reiterate what @DRGT has written.
Your daughter needs to understand that the boundaries you set are put in place because you love her and want to protect her. She needs to learn how to value herself.
I don't know what services / clubs you have in your area, but look for something that might interest your daughter. Anything that will give her something to look forward to and to take the focus off the boyfriend.
I wish you luck.

[Fleetw00d]

Really feel for you op, my dd is only a baby but can completely see how difficult it would be. My partner would probably scare the living day lights out of someone if he thought they were abusing his daughter, I honestly would not want to be that person. It's probably not recommended by others and quite old school but is her dad around to talk to him directly? Your dd would be mortified now of course but it might cause the boyfriend to either fuck off or change his ways. Or to talk to her as a protective daddy? Do you have a relationship or know his parents at all, could you talk to them about his worrying behaviour? They might not see this side of him or have a clue what he's like. I think she's very young to be in this relationship and it could, being her first serious, have very damaging effects on her future relationships and what she chooses to accept from a boyfriend. Personally I would be getting involved, while trying to stop her dad from killing him haha, and putting in boundaries and trying to keep her away from him as much as possible. She'll kick off now but thank you for it later. Is there any counselling she can have to make her realise that what he is doing isn't right? She's so young and with her anxiety she might just not be able to see past his facade, to be honest it's also really worrying that her bf is so young and displaying this sort of manipulating behaviour already and makes you wonder what has caused that as surely he was a lovely little boy a few years ago. He's also cheated on her already, and I'm guessing she's forgiven him for this? God i really feel for you, it fills me rage just thinking about it and I commend you being so calm, I would be wanting to shout and scream at him and have some sort of Liam Neeson 'I will find you' speech, but can't imagine that having the desired effect.

[GingerScallop]

Wow! so much wow. He is abusive. You have enabled (through fear of losing her/driving it underground). And you are expecting too much from a child. Two children actually. You expect a troubled 14 year old to get your troubled 14 year old safely back home in the middle of the night?

[percheron67]

PRU?

[Looubylou]

I would ring social services again, and keep doing so regularly, so that your concerns for your daughter are on record. Insist on some support. There are lots of families who have support from CAMHS, but also have either social services or Early Help Service, if SS decide criteria for Child in Need Assessment is not met. They should be offering to refer to EHS for you, but in my area you can self refer. Schools and school nurses can also refer. Are you having regular Team around the Family meetings with school and anyone else involved? School should be leading on this - following local CAF procedures. Make it clear your daughter is a victim of abuse, not just a difficult teen. You are also a victim if you are too afraid not to allow a violent abuser into your home. I really feel for you, and your concerns about pushing your daughter away, but you are slowly losing her anyway. I really hope you get the support you both deserve.

[Puntastic]

@percheron67

PRU?

Pupil Referral Unit. For kids whose behavioural issues make mainstream education unfeasible.