To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

Thanks @WitchSharkadder I feel like this boy has taken all my power away and more and more she is just ignoring me and becoming more and more rebellious so as to please him

@lanatolater

I do think it was friendship related yes. At least to begin with. She had a boyfriend before who spread lies about her and a lot of her friends turned against her. But not for the reasons you say - her curfew is more strict than most of them (home before dark of alone and back by 10 if with friends) and most of them are allowed their boyfriends to stay

...is this your daughter telling you that? Because unless you live somewhere very rough I can’t imagine most people allowing their 14 year old daughters to be shagging in their houses.

@Flowers500 I know it to be true. Having spoke. To parents most seem to believe that it's better to have the kids under the roof than god knows where.

Most. Not all. Some don't allow it but those seem to be the girls bonking in bushes

In fact, the strictest parent out of all of them has the DD who's been expelled three times, fights in the street and who's had 2 pregnancy scares.

This is what I'm finding so hard. My instinct told me to be super strict with my dd but as she's grown up I feel more and more powerless

I ran away at 14 to be with my boyfriend ( now ex!) He was stealing cars and getting in trouble with the police. My friend also 14 was being physically abused by her boyfriend at the same time and he was allowed to stay over from 15 so she had no escape. I’ve also been listening to a 16 year old girl today who’s been in a abusive relationship with another girl and her parents will not allow her to say she has anxiety as she’s ‘a kid and has nothing to have anxiety about’

It’s instinctive for parents to pull the - ‘your the kid I’m an adult now listen’ but when your totally obsessed and experiencing what you think is love is the first time - it’s the worst thing for parents to do.

If you can up sticks and move - amazing. But if you can’t your really going to have to box clever. And you can’t lock her in the house. Society has shifted massively in the last decade due to SM and our 14 year old girls are now at where our 17 year old girls were 10 - 15 years ago.

Do not under estimate the strength of emotion and feelings she will have.

From now on he’s not allowed in her room That is one thing non negotiable. She needs a safe space. There is no way I’d let that happen any way. Girls need at least ONE safe space they can retreat to.

Don’t accuse him of being abusive back off for a bit. You’ve got to win back her trust to open up and that will not happen when your slagging him off.

Don’t start a conversation at home about it unless your both chilled out. Take her out for a coffee, walk or something where she doesn’t actually have to look at you. And gently raise it by asking if she is ok. How are things going.

If she tells you something don’t show that you are worried unless you actually should ring the police and she is in danger. Instead ask her how she feels about it. And try and discuss it that way and don’t judge.

Don’t focus on him. Focus on her. Build her back up. She’s clearly not in a good mental health position.

This would be my worst nightmare and I’d have to fight the urge not to go round and strangle him but I know what I was like at 14 and my first ‘love’ - I actually fought my stepmother one night who was blocking the door way.

Her curfew needs to needs to be brought much much earlier. She shouldn’t be walking the streets at this time even with him.

@lanatolater

Her dad pays for her phone so I don't have any control over that and he's useless

Have you discussed this with her Dad? He may be useless but surely he cares about her enough to be concerned as you are?

Does her dad know what's happening? It sounds absolutely dreadful and I can't believe the sleepovers either! Sounds like an area where the parents can't be bothered to properly parent and let this kids just rule.

[quote lanatolater]@Flowers500 I know it to be true. Having spoke. To parents most seem to believe that it's better to have the kids under the roof than god knows where.

Most. Not all. Some don't allow it but those seem to be the girls bonking in bushes [/quote]
Ah god this has made me laugh! Never shagged in a bush but shagged in my bedroom with my parents down stairs and got pregnant - at 15.

Stop being controlled and scared by her. If she runs away/ goes underground call the police. She is not old enough to make these choices. Do you have any therapies in your area like equine therapy or art thery? Does she have a job she wants to go into? Are their any activities you could do related to these things? Stay strong, you're the one in charge and I think you've both forgotten that

She rarely sees her dad so he has even less power than me. I keep him in the loop with what's going on but he has nothing to say

How much support is your DD getting from her current school with the anxiety/refusal? Has she been offered a reduced timetable etc?

Have they referred her to any voluntary/online services? My DD (16) has had some incidences of needing support for other reasons and found www.kooth.com/ really useful.

As for the boyfriend...God that's tough. DD had a crush/friendship with a lat at that age that I suspect could well have gone that way but thankfully he preferred to repeatedly lead her on, go out with other girls and destroy her friendships when she wouldn't play along with his BS.

I can understand you're wanting to keep her near rather than 'shagging in bushes' but she's still so young. I think banning her seeing him will definitely backfire, but you can still put boundaries in place about when and how they conduct their relationship.

PP's suggestions of the Teen Freedom Programme and long term contraception are things I would be putting into action as a priority.

I don't know if Barnardos could provide you with any support/advice? I know they;ve been involved with several of the troubled girls at the school where I work but am not exactly sure what their remit it.

@Hotankles you've hit the nail on the head there. I know it's a silly childish obsession but to her it's very very real and she believes it's love. She's absolutely obsessed with him and worships the ground he walks on. Terrifies me she could run away and with his home and school life he'd have nothing to lose really. He's think nothing of dragging her down with him.

@MinnieJackson I just keep being told that any counselling has a six month wait minimum. I feel so alone with everything

@MintyCedric yes they had her on a reduced timetable but it's getting her in the door that's the issue so it was inky somewhat successful. In all honesty they're hopeless

What happened to just grounding a teen? I'd go further than banning sleepovers- I'd ban socialising outside the house full stop. And then she can't stay out later than planned because she can't even go out. Why not just ground her for a week? Every time she puts a toe put of line?

I find your attitude absolutely unbelievable. You're allowing your 14 yo child to have her boyfriend there overnight, in the same bed, and you're referring to other children as 'bonking in bushes'! And other children have their boyfriends overnight in their houses! Where is this place that this happens? It's shocking.
I'm sorry but you need to parent your child properly. I don't believe for one second that you're the 'one of the strictest' parents. I don't think her boyfriend is the problem, I think you are.

I'll check out moth and barnados. I've made a list of all the suggestions on this thread so I've got some phone calls to make come monday!

@Puntastic she'll just leave the house. I can't lock her up. Sadly!

My daughter has just turned 15. There’s no way on gods earth I’d let her boyfriend sleep at our house or her sleep there. I’m her parents and it’s my job to protect her and parent her, not be her friend.

@angieloumc I'm just telling it like it is. It is shocking I agree! But that's how the landscape is at the moment and it's what parents of teens are dealing with here. We're not in a rough area and it's not a rough school but outskirts of london so fairly mixed I suppose.

If you'd have told me 5 years ago I'd be in this position I'd have not believed you.

[quote lanatolater]@Puntastic she'll just leave the house. I can't lock her up. Sadly![/quote]
She’d just leave the house! She’s a child for good sakes, if you say she can’t go out she can’t go out. It really is that simple. If she’d ignore you and go anyway then that needs addressing. My 15 year old wouldn’t dare leave the house without asking first.

Oh come on @angieloumc

The OP has come here asking for advice to try and help her DD. No one is a perfect parent and you can't possibly think this boyfriend is innocent in the situation.

@lanatolater Are you getting any support, because tbh I'd imagine you could use it?

In normal circumstances I'd suggest distraction as the best way of lessening the connection to the boyfriend, but obviously that hinges a lot on having support and finances to facilitate it.

A lot depends on the child you have too. Some will follow rules and others wont. If you've got the headstrong kind then I think you have to get a bit more creative than just being shocked and laying down the law

@lanatolater

If anything I had to relax my "home before dark" on a few occasions because the girls were turning against her for being a baby and having to leave early

So? Why are you letting teenage girls dictate your parenting rules?! She is going off the rails because you have given her no boundaries. You need to stop this. She is a child.

@MintyCedric I'm not getting any support and honestly I'm at breaking point.

And a previous bf before this one ? I am afraid you are trying to bolt the stable door after the filly has had a taste of life on the other side . Your leniency has led to this . You say that Dad has no part . I think that a man at times at your house might make this little shit and your daughter behave a bit better . Staying over WTF ? Why didn't you and don't you try to install some values and aspirations for life in her ?