To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

[lanatolater]

Her dad pays for her phone so I don't have any control over that and he's useless

[lanatolater]

@midsummabreak thank you we will watch the video together tomorrow. I've also made plans for the two of us to spend tomorrow with a mum/daughter we're both friends with. This friend has voiced her opinion (same as mine) about his relationship

[Flowers500]

If she’s not going to school then she shouldn’t be seeing friends or BF

[sumpplneedshaking]

Your child is 14 and your treating her like an adult. It's time to start being a parent and put boundaries in place. Yes she will rebel but you need to be tough and hang in there.

[lanatolater]

@Flowers500 that's always been the rule all her life if she's been off school poorly but camhs and school have both said with school refusal that's anxiety related that punishing for non attendance through denying her fine with friends is advised against as it increases isolation and is a punishment for something she can't help

[Perdigal]

Fair enough @TatteredHare but it did actually work for me I was a v headstrong teenager and my mother is strong but it stopped my behaviour and opened up the channels for communication.

Leadership is all very well but I suspect it's a skill that's been lacking here and that horse has already bolted. Hard to now turn that around even if adopting late leadership...

[Perdigal]

Actually I'd go to a professional that specialises in teenagers/ parenting about this as they will know what the actual best course of action is.

[Wellpark]

Think about getting her the contraceptive implant. You don't want her getting pregnant to him. And resist the PRU especially if he goes there. Speaking from experience here. It won't help to have her seeing him day and night.

[SunscreenCentral]

I don’t understand situations where young teen boyfriends “sleep-over”. Does this mean in the same bed? This is insane. A barely humanoid utterly rampagingly hormone-driven teenage boy given a bed with your very young girl who just wants her boyfriend to really really like her? Nah. Didn’t happen here

[lanatolater]

@SunscreenCentral I know, I hate it. But after seeing videos and hearing stories of friends of hers bonking in bushes at the park at 13 I thought I'd rather have her under my roof.

[ScabbyHorse]

If she is not going to school then can you set up some community work for her or structured jobs so she is too busy and tired to see much of him? Work on improving your relationship with her and get her cooking or something that has tangible results and gives a sense of accomplishment and pride. I have a 14 year old and am lucky that so far he doesn't really go out just games with friends (too much). She will still be looking for guidance from you even though she'd never admit it! Can you both paint her bedroom or something with the radio on and raise her self esteem.

[Gymsmile21]

If she don’t go to school -fine- is work being sent over to her to still complete? If not, why not!

How did she take the punishment? Ok? Threw a strop?

[lanatolater]

@ScabbyHorse now there's an idea. There are loads of old people round here she could run errands for. I'll look in to it

[dadshere]

Without making it sound like you are a terrible mother. You facilitated your 14 year old daughter and her bfs sex life? You let her stay out till midnight?
I think you need to get some help. your parenting is putting this girl at risk

[lanatolater]

@Gymsmile21 yep she's thrown a strop, said I'm obviously just saying no sleepovers so she can't see as much of him. I must think she's stupid to not see what I'm doing and that I'm a joke. Says she'll just see him out instead.

[toocold54]

Think about getting her the contraceptive implant.

I agree.
Her even having a pregnancy scare might mean he gets to control her even more. Her getting pregnant would just be awful!

If you tell her you’ll make the appointment but won’t go in with her I wonder if you could have a word with the nurse/doctor before her appointment and explain what’s going on and they might ask her questions and be able to talk her round more than you or school who she thinks is against her.

[lanatolater]

@dadshere no I didn't let her stay out until midnight. She was staying at a friend house and they were home there by 9. She left the house without the parents knowledge and came back here at 11.30

[ihavethehighground]

This is horrendous. They are children.
Where are the boundaries ? Make it clear he can't see her again. She's so young and he is being abusive. Why would you let your child be in that situation? Have a chat with the police about this. Your daughter needs protecting

[lanatolater]

@toocold54 another excellent idea, thank you

[lanatolater]

@ihavethehighground the reason is all the nuances as I've explained them

[JetBlackSteed]

Is the school anxiety related to her friend groups? Her peer group have turned against her because she is allowed boyfriend to stay over and late curfew? Many other mothers of teenage DD will discourage that friendship on those reasons, and teen girls can herd together and be mean.
Your comment that she was with friends when they broke up may mean that's not irretrievable, just that your DD needs some skills to avoid him, with the backing of her peer group, and get herself back on track.
But you need to drive this and give her the skills.

[lanatolater]

I do think it was friendship related yes. At least to begin with. She had a boyfriend before who spread lies about her and a lot of her friends turned against her. But not for the reasons you say - her curfew is more strict than most of them (home before dark of alone and back by 10 if with friends) and most of them are allowed their boyfriends to stay

[WitchSharkadder]

This is heartbreaking. I was your daughter 20 years ago. I was very lucky that all ended well but it very nearly didn't and took me having a baby and the boyfriend completely isolating me from friends and family and then getting very violent for me to get out. I said all the things that your DD is saying, nobody 'got it', saw how lovely he was most of the time, his jealous rages were my fault because I talked to a boy at school/wore a tight fitting top/ too much make up/insert shit excuse here. I was 15 and besotted.

It seems your DD has more issues than just the boyfriend and I understand completely the advice CAMHS have given but I think, right now, getting her out of this relationship has to be priority. If I'm honest, I wish my parents hadn't been 'cool' about it (at least in the beginning). I wish they'd have grounded me completely and not let me anywhere near him. So, harsh as it sounds do that. I understand your concern about your DD's anxiety but that isn't going to improve while she's with this boy anyway.

I really hope your DD gets out of this very soon. Good luck.

[lanatolater]

If anything I had to relax my "home before dark" on a few occasions because the girls were turning against her for being a baby and having to leave early

[lanatolater]

She was arranging sleepovers at other kids houses so as to be allowed out later