To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

I mean this kindly because I know is difficult but you need to worry less about pushing her away and more about setting appropriate boundaries. She's having to deal with an abusive relationship and other issues She's not mature enough to handle and you need to protect her from that. And imo it comes from being strict when needed.

She's only 14 and it's time for you to pull the plug on it all. No going out l,
No seeing him.

How 'underground' can she go? You're treating her like she's 16 or 17.

And yes I have teenagers

Punishment to be issued for not coming home on time. Come down hard. She broke the rule first, there is a consequence, which is he isn’t allowed to sleep over now for 2 weeks.

2 birds, 1 stone.

Well for example she's now out with him and it's 10.30pm. If I say no sleepovers won't she just go out and stay out until whenever she likes then not even have the safety of someone to come home with? Or say she's out with friends but actually be with him?

@Gymsmile21 I think I will have to do this

You're the parent. Don't worry about pushing her away and parent her to protect her. 14 is far too young to be having boyfriends stay overnight. Don't allow that any more. Start getting strict about when she's supposed to be home and allowed out. Have consequences if she doesn't stick to it. Anxiety isn't stopping her socialising so she can go to school. Don't agree to her going to a PRU. I wouldn't stop her seeing him but I'd control it a lot more. Good luck.

This might sound mean but you’ve let her have a relationship she’s not mature enough for. Letting her boyfriend stay over when she’s so young was never going to end well. Put some house rules in place with her. If she doesn’t go to school she doesn’t get to go out. 9pm at the lastest to be home by. She doesn’t need to like it, you need to be her parent not her friend. What does she want to do with her life. Encourage her to have ambitions and look into how to achieve them. He will be less appealing when she’s got something else to focus on.

I'd break down and let her actually see the effect it's having on you and your mental health. I have younger children so people might say that's terrible advice. However having been a tricky teenager at times myself I do remember the occasions my mother would show this vulnerable side and it made me stop in my tracks.

She feels invincible but she might change her view if she sees she's damaging you ? Sometimes that honestly is the best policy. Happy to be corrected but the "forbidden" route isn't great and nor is just allowing it - options are a bit limited here.

Good luck sounds tough on you x

Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

Sit her down and explain that she NEVER has to take responsibility for a boyfriend's insecurity or neuroses. There is a big difference between being considerate and it being her 'fault' and to blame if it 'made him' do anything.

I agree that The Freedom Program would be a very good idea.

She hasn't been answering her phone but I just tried again and he answered saying their about 10 minutes walk away. So it's taken them an hour and 15 minutes to do a 40 minute trip.

This is what I mean, she's angry with me so she's just not answering her phone and ignoring me and staying out late to punish me meaning she's even less age than if I'd not said anything.

@ufucoffee it's school related anxiety not social

@Perdigal it's not great advice no. Teens need firm 'leadership' , not mum going to pieces in front of them

I've been advised to allow her to socialise even if she hasn't been to school as otherwise I'm punishing her for something she can't help. If she doesn't socialise outside of school she won't see anyone and the isolation is worse

I've tried to tell her none of his behaviour is her fault and that it's his problem if he can't cope with her spending time in a mixed group but she worships this boy. She just won't listen

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it.

This sounds so difficult!
Honestly as a parent anything you say she is going to rebel/push the boundaries so the more negative you are about him the more you’re pushing her towards him unfortunately.

I think you’ve tried everything so it’s time to change tactics. Maybe apologise to her and say you had an image of him but we’re just worried about her and you’d love to get to know him more and have him round more often.
Once she knows you are not trying to spilt them up she will hopefully see him for what he is (it’ll also mean they’re both at yours so you can keep track of what’s going on).

Okay they're back and I've told her no sleepovers for 2 weeks

This is tricky as "stopping" her will push her further towards him.
No advice, didn't want to read and run, but I hope someone will come along who can advise. You must be going out of your mind with worry.

This is going to sound harsh, but I'd say no school, no socialising.
She's having a great time. 14 yo, boyfriend stays over, mum says no school, late curfew.
She needs some boundaries set. She's 14.

You’re her PARENT!!! And it’s only a miracle that she’s not knocked up at 14. You are allowing a child to repeatedly end up in dangerous situations. There’s no room for BS here your daughter is in serious danger and it sounds like you have no idea how to even go about putting boundaries in place to keep her safe. I would self refer to social services and ask the school for help, you’re clealry way over your head here.

She is your daughter, you need to reconnect with her. I had a boyfriend at 15 who was a twat (i couldn't see it) stayed with him for years, pushed my mum away. He ruined my self esteem and took me to a very dark place. Because my mum hated him, it made me distant from her. Spend some time just listening and trying to chip away at the wall she is building. She needs you so much right now even though she doesn't realise it x

@toocold54 I think along with the 2 week sleepover ban I will try to spend more time with them when he's here.

We do sometimes all watch movies together but I've been avoiding it a bit lately as I can't bare to be in the same room as him to be honest. I think you're right though and I need to swallow my dislike for him and do this

@Flowers500 I've spoken to social services but with the camhs and school involvement they said there was no need for "overkill". I'll take all the help I can get but social services ss really just refer out to the appropriate authorities and let them support

Does she have a phone and do you pay for it?

She"s too young for this relationship and it needs to stop.

Abandoning her on a desserted road late at night, what a prince!

I am sure some charities would provide counselling for free. She needs it. Her self esteem is very low if she is willing to put up with this.

I know it is hard and you want to preserve a relationship but you do not want to be a grandma and her to be tied to this boy for life through a baby! know you don't - so she really needs some boundaries. Would her friends help talk sense into her.

But 100 percentage you gave my sympathy. This seems very, very tough.

@Helptonight thank you. Now lockdown is lifting it gives us opportunities to do more together

escapethetrap.co.uk/resources/

Wait until she is alone. Show her the video. Don’t stress if she initially thinks it is not relevant to her situation. It is planting seeds for her to reflect on later.

She may not be open to a teen course on relationships but if she will watch it, show her the freedom program too.
Keep being supportive and stay firm on boundaries as much as possible , as others say keeping routine for school is priority. So difficult for you as he seems to be undermining her routine for school which may be so that he is not the only school dropout
In time she will be so glad that you were there for her. Stay calm as much as humanly possible, although so hard with her heightened emotions and such a destructive BF who has his own history of childhood neglect. She will slowly slowly gradually mature , and with that maturity make better choices, with you as her rock, but right now you it is hard to watch her choose such a destructive relationship
Scary for you as he is putting her in danger in many ways and if there was a way to get her away to relatives I would get her out and away from him. But life is never that simple. For you Op , please know that in time she will tell you she is so glad you never gave up on her

The problem is that she may not be able to accept that he is abusing her and have difficulty seeing his behaviour for what it is.