To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

OP, I'm so impressed with your responses on here. You're listening, you're following up on advice, you're contacting agencies recommended here, but most of all you're keeping your temper when faced with many smug and arrogant responses.

I've no advice I'm afraid, because this is such a complex and difficult situation. There are no easy answers because every positive action can lead to negative results when you're dealing with a girl with mental health issues. And I think that's what people aren't recognising. Add in some stunningly naive and impractical advice like "don't let her leave the house " and "don't let her have sex" and I'm full of admiration for your calm responses.

I refuse to shame her

OP my heart goes out to you. It really isn't as simple as many posters have made out. Please don't blame yourself. It's incredibly hard to decide what to do for the best, and then even harder to do it sometimes.

I understand your fear of pushing her away. It's a real fear, and a real possibility- so you're right to tread carefully.

I wish I had the answers.

@saraclara thank you. Overall I've found this thread so so helpful. I've got a page of A4 of ideas that I'm working through so although some posts are upsetting it's been really good for me/us

@freckles20

OP my heart goes out to you. It really isn't as simple as many posters have made out. Please don't blame yourself. It's incredibly hard to decide what to do for the best, and then even harder to do it sometimes.

I understand your fear of pushing her away. It's a real fear, and a real possibility- so you're right to tread carefully.

I wish I had the answers.

Thank you

Op I could have written this minus the sex. You are where we were 3 years ago but things got worse for us.
Ring SS. State that you can no longer cope with your daughter and that for every boundary you put in place she threatens suicide. Teens are manipulative shits. The problem is working out what is teen behaviour and what is mh. Say you need help as you are scared of her reactions. I cried down the phone to them. You also need to state that camhs are opposing the boundaries you are trying to implement. You need early help. They can put a rocket under school and camhs and help you too, even if your Dd doesn't want to deal with them directly.
School wise-can she got in and do her work in isolation? Dd preferred this for a while as it was quieter.
I can't pretend there is a magic switch and tbh I am completely exhausted by it all but keep going. Keep pushing for help.
I would ask her to write a letter of what she wants the rules to be, you write one too, then go out of the house somewhere and try to come to a middle ground. Yes don't isolate her completely but she needs boundaries. FaceTime is there for a reason. She's grounded but can have phone. She can contact people that way.

I also think a lot of those kinds of posts come from a place of fear. No one wants to believe a child could be in this position so it's much easier to think - oh it's never going to happen to me, or MY dd would never do this, or IF my dd was in this position I'd simply say no and tell her she can't go out etc etc. The sad truth is that they all live independent lives and have lots of struggles we never had in our day. It takes a hell of a lot of love and compassion and patience and in my case, making mistakes to help them navigate their way through

OP this all sounds so stressful.

For all those posters bleating on about their perfect parenting ... how does this help the OP? And I strongly believe that the teens we end up with are a combination of luck and personality ....

I think on reflection I will try SS again. They were firmly of the opinion that this is in my, the school and CAMHs hands and that they'd only intervene if I wasn't engaging or if there was neglect at home. But I didn't labour the point to them how I wasn't coping... to be honest I was coping much better until this week when everything seems to have escalated.

The school have said learning in isolation isn't an option. That's if I could get her in the door at all. There's space for her to have a time out but they say there aren't resources/ staff to manage a child permanently out of class. Having heard what others have said on this thread I see now that I need to be much firmer.

I've always respected the authority Amd word of the school and what I've been told by them, never until now have I had cause to push back or make demands.

@BigSandyBalls2015 I think we also have to throw parenting in to that mix of luck and personality but yes you do have to work with the child you get. It's not one size fits all parenting and one set of actions definitely doesn't secure one definite outcome.

@BigSandyBalls2015

OP this all sounds so stressful.

For all those posters bleating on about their perfect parenting ... how does this help the OP? And I strongly believe that the teens we end up with are a combination of luck and personality ....

That’s rubbish.

I was allowed my boyfriend to stay over and I ended up pregnant at 15. That was down to really shit parenting. The adults in your life are supposed to protect you from making these mistakes. My step mum put me in the pill at 14 because she read my dairy and seen that we had done the deed. He was 15. Instead of contacting his parents for a talk and discussion she frog marched me of to the GP. I had really weak parenting from the start and I needed self esteem building and boundaries. Instead I was given contraception - which the GP didn’t blink an eye at.

Some people just dont like to admit it but your kids are result of the adults/parents attitudes and behaviours. Children really are a product of their upbringing.

The OP needs to focus less on the lad and start looking at herself and dds relationship and admit where it’s gone wrong and move heaven and earth to try and rebuild it.

“lanatolater

Sorry who said she gets little exercise”

I do apologise as I must have misunderstood. I thought she couldn’t play football at the moment because of not going to school, and that the reason for allowing her to the park to hang out with friends was that she wouldn’t get out otherwise. I did not think of the seeing friends at the park as being for exercise if it was. I did understand she sometimes has a dog walk with you.

The reason for suggesting it was a concern if she does not get exercise is that fresh air, daylight, and exercise help so much with anxiety and depression. Conversely, lack of it, causes anxiety and depression.

I am not sure who thought she was getting beaten up by her boyfriend. You have given the impression there was some sort of abuse from him, which I thought might be coercive and emotional.

Thanks @ScrollingLeaves we do dog walk (I said that as a response to someone who suggested her getting involved with animals) and if we don't have the dog we always get out and walk. We're very lucky to live in a place with lots of leafy areas and we have one of those park gyms that we mess about on. She's definitely not short of exercise and fresh air. The park is more for the social element so she's not isolated hanging out with a 45 year old woman - I don't think she gets a lot of exercise there .

Someone down thread said they'd be furious if their Dd was okay with their boyfriend being beaten up. Maybe it was a typo... my dd is bit being physically abused but I would say certainly mental/ cohersive abuse

*isn't being physically abused

OK I worded that badly, I obviously didn't mean parental involvement doesn't feature at all in how our kids turn out, but less so than some believe. How do you explain several siblings, only one of whom goes off the rails?

@BigSandyBalls2015

OK I worded that badly, I obviously didn't mean parental involvement doesn't feature at all in how our kids turn out, but less so than some believe. How do you explain several siblings, only one of whom goes off the rails?

That's a very very good point!

Have you contacted your local Mind? They quite often provide / help with counselling.

Also try turning point www.turning-point.co.uk/services/mental-health.html

@me4real yes that's true. I think that whether BPD or ADHD/Autism or neither, it's worth investigating as I think if either of these are involved then the approach for dealing with it will be different to the advice that OP is getting.

OP my heart goes out to you. You're in a shit situation, desperately trying to keep your daughter alive.

I don't really have anything helpful to say - I have sons and they're not teenagers yet.

One thing you've mentioned a few times is that your daughter seems to struggle with lots of people and noisy situations. One of my boys is showing autistic traits so I've been looking at tools to help, like weighted blankets etc. I've recently come across ear plugs that help dim-down the noises and make the outside world less stressful (less stimulating).

I will see if I can find a link, but it basically means the wearer can still communicate & participate but the 'extra' noise is muted. It might help get your daughter across the threshold at school.

This sort of thing

https://www.flareaudio.com/products/calmer?gclid=CjwKCAjw1uiEBhBzEiwAO9BHWriKKLSSdz7GZ3WqHiekNeBOloptj2QATFlhpM1gq2x9cuDF21-hoChv8QAvDDBwE

I haven’t read whole thread but I think you have little choice other than to move far enough away. Neither of them will have the money or the tenacity to continue seeing each other. Then get her counselling and start instilling some boundaries. She’s partly confused because you’re allowing her to do too much too young.

For some reason I can't access my account and had to create a new one. It is me!!!

@ThinkWittyThoughts thanks all added to my list!

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil that would be ideal but we're in a council place, just got it six months ago and were given a shell which my family had carpeted and made livable so it's not that simple to move away. It's a very nice thought.

@lanatolater2 Well done OP. It sounds like you're taking charge. Keep going. Don't make it just a matter of you do the things on the list once and then stop. Think of stuff and do stuff every step of the way when needed (while making time to self-care.) You can always make a new thread if you need help with a new state off play, under another name if you prefer.

It does piss me off though that people should have to!

I've been in the mental health system for many years. They prioritize partly based on a risk assessment. A lot of people make a suiciidal gesture and so that doesn't get people all that far up the list necessarily. They assess based on how likely the person is to end their lives. They have decided your daughter is not at urgent risk they have to act on immediately and carry on acting on. That's a good thing.

Of course, we are going to care for our own loved ones more, and we don't usually have to prioriitize/make a list of who we help amongst our loved ones.

Another thing they factor in is how much effect someone's MH is having on their functioning, education etc. Keep telling them she's not doing well. Keep pushing people for services and then keep pushing some more.

Just wanted to say you’re doing a great job Lana, and your daughter won’t appreciate now how lucky she is to have you but one day she will.

Keep your head up, keep calm and keep going. I think she’ll be ok.