To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

@lanatolater the thing is schools are taught LA policy and don't bother to learn the law or even question what they are told. It's sad but true that if you need anything outside of bog standard educational provision the last people best set to advise you is the school themselves.

She is vulnerable as a 14yo with mh issues, let alone the abusive bf and dysfunctional friendships. You need to lay this on thick if the agencies call you back, or chase if not. There is sadly a subculture in some areas where teens behave out of control, often associated with drug and alcohol abuse, hanging around parks and skipping school. Permissive or negligent parenting, dysfunctional family backgrounds, low educational aspiration may be contributory factors but not exclusively. Your role is to reduce the influence her so called friends can have.

@EarringsandLipstick well, exactly that really. Like she did today. I really do believe everyone is well meaning in their posts but I think many are coming from a place of experience where their teenagers wouldn't dream of leaving the house. But this does happen. Today I tried to stand in front of the door and physically stop her from leaving but she overpowered me.

Lana I do hear what you are saying and you are right. Although I have a 14 year old DD, I am not in the position you are.

I'm also a single parent. I know where I live in Ireland that there would be help for me as a parent if I needed it. But I see from your posts that it is complex and much less supportive in your area.

I'm really sorry there isn't help available for you.

Regardless of how you got here, you're in a really tough place.

Have you noticed any pattern on days she will go to school? So any particular lesson, or usually X amount of days at home before she goes back?

But @lanatolater this has come about because you haven't put in place the boundaries to keep her safe long before she got to 14 and a size to overpower you. I've got five teens, I'm tiny, they were all bigger than me by nine years old. When they were over a foot taller than me if I said "no, you can't go out" they didn't go out or even attempt to. I didn't need to lock doors or stand in their way because we had established from being smaller than me that I was their parent and would always act in their best interests even if they found that completely maddening at times. We have mutual respect for each other I have never been physical with them and they wouldn't dream of being physical with me.

@angieloumc I getting the support that's available. Which admittedly is appalling. I'm not sure who or what within social services could help with any of this. I suppose I could call them and tell them how bad the support from school and camhs is...

@hiredandsqueak it seems so! I will call first thing tomorrow and ask why she hasn't been offered the home stuff and why I was told the 15 days had to be concurrent

Thank you @EarringsandLipstick happy to hear in Ireland services are better. I think very sadly, in London there are so so many children in such awful situations without a parent who is engaged and who cares that my situation just isn't a priority

@MinnieJackson it's definitely the start of the school day that's hardest. The getting past the threshold bit. That's where the panic attacks happen. But then with each lesson the same can happen. It doesn't seem to be a particular lesson but certain classrooms can set her off if they're very busy

@hiredandsqueak I appreciate that but this is where we are

But you aren't getting support that you both need. The school have advised you wrongly, you didn't quetion it and your dd isn't in school so how can they support someone who isn't there? You need to make a formal complaint to the LA about their failure to make provision for a child unable to attend school.
You are on the waiting list for CAMHS, how is that support? Have you complained through PALS yet? That is a surefire way of getting CAMHS to see your daughter again it's a case of being assertive.
You've told Social Care that you are getting the support she needs but she's not getting support is she? LA aren't providing the education she is entitled to and CAMHS arent giving her the MH support she needs either. Time to tell social care that no you aren't getting any support which places the ball firmly in their court.

OP, while I think that the support you're getting now may be pretty poor, it's you who is her parent, and I think you've been trying to be her friend rather than her mum. Now you're trying to put rules in place, she's pushing against them as previously you've been so permissive.

Please encourage her to look at Childline, for her to have someone to talk to that isn’t you (who will reinforce what a healthy relationship looks like, why you might be doing what you are doing) and who can also give support for her mental health and even school issues.

The way you’re being told this is your fault for not having boundaries and so on I place is really unhelpful- this is a real case of there but for the grace of God go most of us.

I think you’ve done your absolute best and that keeping communication open is massive. Childline can support her when she doesn’t want your support (because you’re saying what she doesn’t want to hear). That doesn’t mean they will be against you, far from it, just it’s a different perspective and sometimes a 3rd party’s view can lead to changes.

@hiredandsqueak ss must be aware of how crap CAMH are? When I told them we were under their care that's when they said that was what they'd have recommended to happen. I don't think they thought it would be instant, I think they were saying their job was done as clearly there is a parent who is engaging with the correct authorities in order to safeguard the child. If you think they will have any sway in making camhs step up I will call them tomorrow and ask, it can't hurt. It just doesn't seem like the correct agency to me and nor did it them.

@lantolater flipping heck I don't live in some middle class suburban paradise. My children are who they are because I made sure that they got the parenting and education they needed so that they didn't think it was ever going to be tolerated that at fourteen they were hanging round parks and coming home and shagging their abusive boyfriends with my approval or girlfriends. It doesn't matter where you live it's how you raise them and the standards and expectations you set. I could have lived next door to you, who knows I may live on your street but my dc would not and did not do what you suggest is commonplace.

I will 100% complain about the 15 days thing

@hiredandsqueak I'm not sure what you'd like me to do? Go back in time and parent like you did?

@Theoscargoesto thank you, childline also added to my list! Dd will think I've lost the plot with all these new ideas flying around but honestly, I'm really grateful

Look I've been there with CAMHS, they said a six month wait, I said that is no use my daughter needs help now. They said when she made a serious attempt at her life she might get pushed up the list. I contacted PALS made a formal complaint told them that if anything happened to my daughter I would hold each one of them personally responsible. within 49 hours had head of CAMHS telephone me asking to visit at home so we could sort out what was needed. Had psychiatrist and medication, psychologist and PMHW all in place and ready to see dd before he left. I don't take no for an answer when it's my dd's life at risk.

@hiredandsqueak I will contact PALS in the morning

I didn't know about PALS, CAMHs led me to believe that what we are experiencing is the system as it is for everyone and that there was no way around it. This thread has really empowered me to push harder

You can't go back in time of course you can't but what you can do is see the risks she is running now and do everything in your power to make changes and don't be so accepting of "it's where I live, it's what her friends do, other parents are worse". You can be the person to make changes and make a difference, you are going to need support and I can tell you how to get that support by being a bolshy complaining PITA like I am but the work is going to have to be done by you.

@hiredandsqueak making changes now is exactly what I'm doing

Look if I've learnt anything over parenting five kids it's that being quiet and accepting gets you nowhere. It doesn't come naturally to me as I'm a quiet introvert at heart but I put on a good act at being strong determined and assertive and I do write bloody good letters of formal complaint.