To stop my dd from seeing her bf

[lanatolater]

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

Even if you advocate more strongly for her, will your dd engage?

@hiredandsqueak sorry if I seemed blunt. I'm just not finding it helpful hearing what other people did in the past that was so much better than what I did when I can't change what has already happened. All I can do is move on from here with a child who is already 14. I can't go back and be a better parent when she was 5,8,12 and make her into a person who respects me well enough not to go out when I've told her not to. I have to work with what I've got and I'm willing to change.

@LIZS I hope so, she has said she really wants counselling. I think all the waiting is making her enthusiasm wane however which is sad.

My DS is over 6ft tall and nearly 16. He’d never be out past dark as I go and fetch him. Wouldn’t occur to me to let a partner stay over at his age let alone for a 14yr old!

I suppose it's difficult when you have just one child not to accept what you are told at face value. My youngest two have autism so I learned quickly that to get what they needed I had to be somebody that made it happen.
It's more difficult because of covid although that should be improving rapidly I would think but the things that contributed to keeping mine on the straight and narrow were after school activities so depending on which one we've pursued sports and music and chess and guides and scouts. Fundamentally whatever they were interested in so as to fill their time purposefully. They didn't have time to roam the streets what with clubs and homework etc. Does your dd have interests that you could look into finding out clubs? If on benefits you will probably be able to get a reduced rate leisure pass. Go with her it will give you time to bond and the best conversations happen outside of the home where there isn't a door between you or the option to run off.

I'd love her to do more activities. I've always encouraged her and when she was small she was always doing different things. We had money then but there are things she can do that don't cost. She's always been one of those to start something then move on to something else. Ballet for two months, Football for 3, dance for two weeks etc etc. Ultimately her anxiety would get in the way of her going to the clubs but football she got back in to at secondary school then COVID put paid to that and I haven't managed to get her to go back despite coaxing.

There have been lots of ideas on here that I'm working through and will try to get her involved in something if I possibly can. Her self esteem is so low right now it's hard to get her to enthuse about anything.

Doesn't help her school doesn't say homework so there's not much to occupy her tone with after school in that sense. I'd always say you have to come home to do your homework but there wasn't any!

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds incredibly tough.

Can I ask, does your DD react very strongly emotionally when things go wrong or she doesn't get her way?

Has she had any diagnosis for her mental health at all?

@Nybble YES 100 times yes! She can't bare it. Shakes and goes faint.

No mental health diagnosis as yet. She had an assessment with camhs but it was very underwhelming. The doctor was wet as a lettuce and didn't ask her anything meaningful

Pester CAHMs. Everytime she makes any reference to self harm let them know. This is usually something they take urgent notice of. Email them so it is in writing. really rooting for you both OP. Good on you for fighting to turn things around. Noone is perfect and acknowledging mistakes and being accountable is a good start. Your DD will see eventually what you are doing is for all the right reasons.

I have a 14 year old OP and her life is so removed from your daughter's it's unbelievable. There is absolutely no reason why boyfriends should be staying or she should be wandering the streets at night alone! Why the hell can't you invite some decent girls over to your house so she can socialise there for a while? Why has she got no aspirations? No hopes beyond this dead beat boyfriend? I feel so sad for her. At her age she should be doing homework, seeing friends and laughing about boys- not having sex with them with her parent's consent and needing bloody code words!

You, as her parent, have to take ownership of this. Your parenting has been so far off the mark up to this point you are going to have to go all out to help her get her life back on track.

I asked as your DD's behaviour is very similar to a teen I know with EUPD.

Her parents had an incredibly difficult time with her between the ages of 14 and 16 while she got a diagnosis. She got expelled from 2 private schools, got involved with drugs, was incredibly promiscuous (not implying your DD is) and was impossible to parent. Her parents were completely blindsided and 'normal' parenting didn't work for her at all. Things like 'tell her she's not allowed out' would be met with a door slammed in their face and her disappearing. She attempted suicide a number of times and also self-harmed.

Your bewilderment at her behaviour and what to do really sounds similar to what her parents went through.

The diagnosis made a huge difference and with medication and therapy she is vastly different.

happy to hear in Ireland services are better.

They may not be overall (probably aren't) before other Irish posters are wondering what I'm on!

Sorry I was being specific to where I live, and services I know of.

Also I appreciate you are on benefits & so paid services are probably not possible. Which is very hard.

I had exactly this situation with DD she ended up excluded from school with no friends as she couldn't hold herself together , it was like an addiction.

After a few months I just flipped, I called the police as he had been violent to her sadly she wouldn't press charges and even said I caused the bruising at one point . It was hard but I detached and toughened up ( she's also a rebel) I cut her mobile off if she didn't follow the rules and curfew (only for very short periods of time 2-3 hours) but just so she knew I'd do
It. I also reported her missing to
Police if she went AWOL. It did make the situation slightly more bearable but wasn't a cure , they did split up eventually but were together 3 years. She is 20 now and sadly still likes "bad boys" but now there's very little I can do

@Nybble that could well make a lot of sense.

@boomwhacker I think different peoples approach to parenting is led by the individual child's needs and although (as I may have mentioned!) I appreciate I've made mistakes, when you have a teenager who is so visibly traumatised by emotional stimulus it can sometimes feel kinder and safer to, for example, let the bf stay over. I haven't done things the way I have because I'm lazy I've done them because of a feeling in my gut that it's what she needed to be safe. I wanted her to feel listened to and supported. Moving forward I do need to make changes, and I have. I expect many teenagers have lives far removed from what you describe your dd's to be like. Certainly around here. Yes it is very sad, I feel sad for her too.

Some parents on here have described being much more strict than me yet their children have still been plagued by mental health problems. We're all just trying to do our best.

@dailymailgoaway2 is there anything you wish or feel you could have done differently at the time? I'd love to avoid a further 3 years of this boy!

For what it's worth, the code word idea is actually very helpful. If they're unable to speak on the phone (peer pressure etc) and find themselves in a sticky spot they can let you know and you can make a call to tell them they have to come home and they can use you as an excuse to leave. In an ideal world I'd have lots of naice decent girls to invite round but dd's friendship group does seem to have a lot of troubled kids in and I like her to know she has an easy way out if things get sticky. She used it once when a fight started (Saturday lunchtime, nice family park near us) and some other girls were coaxing her to join in. It worked beautifully.

I think you need to make a distinction between her mh issues, which can affect anyone, and the behaviour which she could , with the right boundaries and support, control. At the moment the mh issues are restricting how you react to her, rather than you seeing it as a need to insist on boundaries.

Particularly if she has an underlying additional need her impulse control may be poor and she will need to develop strategies to avoid the current attention seeking behaviour and dubious friendships. In the meantime it is your role as parent to define these boundaries and model better choices. Maybe start from that assumption and ask for support as to how to do so.

[quote lanatolater]@dailymailgoaway2 is there anything you wish or feel you could have done differently at the time? I'd love to avoid a further 3 years of this boy! [/quote]
I don't think anything would have stopped it sadly , I wish I'd become less emotionally involved as it took over my life and she wouldn't listen to rhyme or reason. Suppose if anything I wish I'd been more strict sooner but would it have worked , who knows , she has never respected boundaries she would rather destroy her own stuff before I got the option of removing it to regain control

@LIZS I think you're right. Her emotional responses meant that I at times felt I couldn't come down as hard as I should have because it was so painful to see her so upset.

@dailymailgoaway2 I guess that's it, who's to know if you having been stricter could have pushed away away further. It's all so bloody hard!

Have a look at some of these links on BPD (EUPD):

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/

www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/

If your DD does have BPD (caution: they are often hesitant to diagnose during adolescence) then you can get advice on specific techniques for managing BPD behaviour, so perhaps worth investigating?

@Nybble definitely, thank you

Interestingly.. there is another Thread on here, albeit from a Sons Mother who has a gf who threatens suicide when he has other plans etc.

The OP is in Australia, I wonder of its worth you reading her Threads .. sadly she is wrought with it all.